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Critchett 
Lady  Huntsworth's  Experiment 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 

GIFT  OF 

California  State  Library 


111 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S 
EXPERIMENT 

Hn  ©rioinal  Gome&E  in  Ubree  acts 


BY 

R.  C.  CARTON 

AUTHOR   OF   "  LIBERTY   HALL,"   ETC.,   ETC.,   ETC. 


COPYRIGHT,  1904,  BY  SAMUEL  FRENCH. 


CAUTION  :— Professionals   and    Amateurs  are   hereby   notified 

that  this  play  is  fully  copyrighted  under  the  existing  laws  of 

the  United  States  Government,  and  nobody  is  allowed 

to  do  this  play  without  first  having  obtained 

permission  of  Samuel  French,  34  West 

22d  St.,  New  York  City,  U.  S.  A. 


NEW  YORK 
SAMUEL  FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

24  WEST  220  STREET 


LONDON 
SAMUEL  FRENCH,  LTD. 

26  SOUTHAMPTON  ST. 
STRAND,         LONDON,  W.  C. 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 


Produced  at  the  Criterion  Theatre,  London,  z6th  April,  sooo. 


CHARACTERS. 

CAPTAIN  DORVASTON  (late  Bengal  Cav- 
alry)    Mr.  Arthur  Bourchier. 

REV.  AUDLEY  PILLENGER  (Vicar  of 
Stillford,  in  the  parish  of  Drone- 
borough)  Mr.  Eric  Lewis. 

REV.  HENRY  THORSBY  (his  Curate) Mr.  A.  E.  Matthews. 

GANDY  (Man-servant  at  the  Vicarage).. .   Mr.  Ernest  Hendrie. 

NEWSPAPER  BOY Master  R.  Denny. 

MR.  CRAYLL Mr.  Dion  Boucicault. 

Miss  HANNAH  PILLENGER  (Rev.  Au- 

dley's  sister) Miss  Fanny  Coleman. 

LUCY  PILLENGER  (their  Niece) Miss  Gertrude  Elliot. 

KEZIAH  (Servant  at  the  Vicarage) Miss  Polly  Emery. 

CAROLINE  RAYWARD  (Cook  at  the 

Vicarage) Miss  Compton. 


ACT   I. 
THE  VICARAGE  GARDEN. — Morning. 

ACT  II. 

THE  VICARAGE  KITCHEN. — The  same  evening. 

ACT  III. 
THE  VICARAGE  LIBRARY. — Next  morning. 


LADY    HUNTWORTH'S   EXPERIMENT. 


1054536 


LADY  HUNTWOETH'S  EXPERIMENT. 


PLAN  OF  BREAKFAST  TABLB. — ACT  I. 


FACING  DOWN   STAGE. 


Note  1. — Those  articles  not  marked  with  an  asterisk   are 
discovered. 

Note  £. — Those     articles    marked    with    an    asterisk    are 
brought  on. 

Note  S. — Great  car*  must  be  used  in  setting  the  table. 


LAPY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 


o 

5; 


§ 

^ 
£ 

\ 
s: 


LADY   HUNTWORTH  S   EXPERIMENT. 


Ac-til. 


Petition*  of  Articles  tLnciftrii  *nj  w  fieri 
f>1actaL  tt/ktn,  Irouekt  on*,  **hick  mutt  it  ver- 
txaet 


>*  r 

Class 

a      Q*  ^f- 

Pla.it. 

WarV 

Tray. 

$ 

R*t*tt 

Bo* 

Flan  0f  Window  Ltirtc    as  ^i$c0v*r«l 
facing  Jown.  £fmet  , 


ft 

as  difcovtrrd  *T 

ritt  of  Curtain., 

ffitk  Hit  preprrtitt 
it. 


S»  Itnon 

Di.K 


• 


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af^iuotl^Z^M  ri«^* 


* 
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£h«"  m         4  CUrtt 

Mdk 


r+ci*j.do*m  Slfy» 

Plan  «f  Butler'i  Tray  ».tk 
last   Iced   m  it 


Sutler  i  Tray 


r^e/M  /,m,  i/a—. 
"•Un  Umnni  h*«vAff(dtl  *r»Mul 

Tiki.  wk.n  tlkcnojf  Butl<rk'Tr«y 


LJLDY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 


sc 

I 

*> 
s* 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S   EXPERIMENT. 


Discovered  set  on 
Breakfast  Tuble 

on 
Butler's  Tray  L.C. 


All  off  L.O.E. 

for 


ACT  I.          PROPERTY  PLOT. 

Circular  Table,  L.C.        4  Rustic  Chairs,  Round  Table,  L.C. 
Seat  round  Tree,  R.C.        Parsley-bed,  L.I.E. 
Small  Rustic  Table,  L.  of  Tree  R.C.     Bench  in  front  of  Window. 
Table  Cloth 
4  Napkins  in  Rings 
4  Large  Plates 
4  Small  Plates 
4  Cups,  Saucers,  and  Spoons 
4  Large  Knives  and  Forks 
4  Small  Knives 
Large  Fork  and  Spoon 

1  Cruet 
Slop  Basin 
Milk  in  Jug 

Sugar  in  Basin  with  Tongs 

Butter  in  Dish  with  Knife 
Jam  in  Dish  with  Spoon 
Toast  in  Toast-rack 
Kidneys  in  Entree  Dish 
Tea  in  Tea-pot  (4  people) 
Large  Oval  Salver 
Large  Circular  Salver 
Small  Card  Salver 
3  Eggs  in  stand  and  Spoons 

2  White  Pudding  Basins 
Fork 

White  China  Dish 
2  Eggs  in  Basin 
Bottle  Salad  Oil 
Medium-sized  Salver 
Syphon  of  Potash 
Whiskey  in  Decanter 
2  Tumblers. 

Door  Bell  to  Ring  in  Kitchen. 

Letters  in  Tree  R.C.,  Discovered.      Letters  for  Thorsby,  L. 
"Standard"  with  par.       \     In  American  cloth  Wrapper 
"  Sporting  Life  "  for 

6  various  papers  Boy  off  L. 

Flowers  in  Bowl  for  Lucy    off  L.U.E. 
Five  Letters  for  Gandy  off  R.U.E. 
Tobacco  Pouch  ^ 

Matehes  and  Match-box  For  »ORVASTON. 

Marriage  Settlement  J 

Orchid  for  DORV ASTON  off  R.  "2  "  E. 

Cigars  in  case  for  CRAYLL.  Chimes  off  L.U.K. 


All  off  L.U.I. 

for 
CAROLINE. 


\ 
/ 


LADY  HUNTVVORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

ACT  II.        PROPERTY  PLOT. 

Kitchen  Table,  L.C.    2  Kitchen  Chairs.     Kettle  OB  Stove. 

Cake  in  Tin  in  Oven  down  Stage. 

Kitchen  Fender  and  Fire-irons.     Hearth-rug. 

Clock  ] 

Tin  Jelly  Moulds  >-  On  Mantelpiece. 

Candlesticks 

Jelly  Moulds  on  Walls  above  Mantel. 

Candle  in  Stand  and  Matches  on  Bracket  above  Fire-place. 

Meal-sack  above  Fire-place.  Towel  on  Roller  above  Meat-Jack. 

Plates  in  Rack  above  Sink 
Warm  Water  in  Bowl  on  Sink 

Work-box  containing  Pudding  CJoth, 

Needle,  &c. 

Glass  Tray  }•  All  in  Window. 

Newspaper  ("  Standard  ") 
Plate  Basket 

1  Meat  Cover  on  Wall  over  Meat-Jack. 
Almanac  on  Wall.     Brooms  and  Pail  in  Cupboard. 
Looking-glass  on  Flat  between  Garden-door  and  Larder. 
Mat  outside  Garden-door. 

Cheese  Dish  1 

Large  Butter  Dish      •    In  Larder. 

Fruit  Salad  J 

4  Cheese  Plates     ) 

4  Fruit  Plates        \     On  Dresser. 

1  Wine  Glass         ) 

Dresser  Furnished. 

2  Glass  Cloths  1      ,    „.,  ,       „,  „    _ 
"Family  Herald"     /    In  Kitchen  Table  Drawer. 

Orchid  in  Specimen-glass  in  Window.         Stuffed  Fish  in  Cases. 
Ham  on  Disn  for  Keziah.     Canary  in  Cage,  hanging  in  Window. 

Salmon  on  Dish  ^ 

4  Plates 

4  Fish  Knives  and  Forks 

4  Teaspoons  >   Discovered  on  Table. 

Piece  of  Rag 

Radishes  in  Water  in  Bowl   I 

Radishes  in  Dish  J 

2  Chickens  on  Dish     "I 

Salad  Bowl  ..  T      ,       „  .,    ,    „, 

4  Plates  f         Load  on  Butlers  Tray. 

4  Knives  and  Forks    J 

Fruit  Salad  \   o 

4  Plates,  Forks,  and  Spoons  /   " 


2nd  Load. 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

ACT  n.    PROPERTY  PLOT— Continued. 
Whiskey  Syphon  and  Glass 
4  Tumblers,  4  Claret  Glasses 
Bread  Platter  and  Knife 
Cheese  Dish  and  Butter  Dish 
Radish  Dish,  4  Knives,  and  4  Plates 

HAND  PROPERTIES. 
Hand-bag  for  GANDY  ) 

Music  Case  for  DORVASTOF  >•    Off  R.I.B. 
Cigars  in  Case  ) 

Pins  for  CAROLINE.     Letter  in  Letter-casa  for  CRAYLL. 


3rd  Load. 


ACT  III.        PROPERTY  PLOT. 

Oak  Table  R.  c.  and  Cover.  3  Oak  Chairs  R.  L.  and  Top  of  Table. 
Davenport  R.  Oak  Chair  at  Davenport.  Armchair  in  Alcove  L. 
Library  Steps  Alcove  R.  Settle  above  Fireplace.  Fender  and 
Fireirons.  2  Large  Rugs.  Stair  Carpet  and  Rods  on  Stairs. 
Pictures  on  Walls. 

ty  Matches      }     On  Mantelpiece  di. 


Electric  Push  below  Fireplace.     Books  in  Bookcase. 
2  pairs  Green  Plush  Curtains  and  1  single  ditto. 
2  Spring  Blinds  fitted  to  Window. 

HAND  PROPERTIES. 
2  Coffee  Cups  (coloured)        "| 

Milk  in  Milk-jug  All  on  Japanese  Tray  for 

Sugar  in  Basin  and  Tongs      [  CAROLINE,  L. 

Bread  and  Butter  on  Plate    J   • 


Cigarettes  in  Case  for  DORVASTON. 
Wedding  Ring  for  THORSBY. 
Lawyer's  Letter  for  CAROLINE. 

Papers  :  — 

"  Standard,"  "  Sporting  Life." 
"  Church  Times  *  for  GANDY,  R. 


NOTE.  —  Properties  are  marked  with  a  small  asterisk 
showing  their  position. 

The  crosses  with  numbers  in  Act  I.  show  where  the  chairs 
are  moved  to  ;  the  C.  one  is  not  moved  at  all. 

All  doors  want  proper  locks  on.  The  gate  in  Act  I. 
wants  a  latch  and  spring  to  make  it  spring  to. 

Inside  Broom  Cupboard  must  have  small  bolt  for  DORVAS- 
TON to  bolt  when  inside. 

The  down-stage  oven  must  open  to  receive  cake  in  tin. 
It  should  hare  iron  fixings  on  to  make  realistic  noise. 


THE  GEORGE  8.  LASK  COLLE 


LADY  HUNTWOKTH'S  EXPEEIMENT. 

ACT  I. 

SCENE. — The   Vicarage   Garden,   according   to  plan. 
TIME. — Early  morning. 


(After  the  curtain  rises  THOBSBY  enters  at  gate  L.  i.  E., 
looks  at  French  window,  crosses  and  looks  at  kitchen 
window,  goes  over  cautiously  to  the  tree  R.  ;  he  mounts 
on  the  seat  and  extracts  a  letter  from  the  cavity  in 
the  tree,  replacing  it  with  one  of  his  own;  he  then 
stands  leaning  against  the  tree,  while  he  opens,  kisses, 
and  begins  to  read  the  letter;  while  he  is  doing  this, 
GANDY  comes  out  of  the  house  with  toast  in  rack  and 
jam  on  dish  on  salver;  he  catches  sight  of  THOBSBY; 
crosses  to  top  of  table  L.) 

GAN.     Good  morning,  Mr.  Thorsby! 

THOR.  (startled,  squashes  letter  into  his  pocket) 
Eh!  Oh,  good  morning!  I  was — I — wanted  to  see  Mr. 
Pillenger. 

GAN.  Mr.  Pillenger  ain't  much  in  the  'abit  of  climbin' 
trees  before  breakfast,  (puts  jam  on  table) 

THOR.  No,  of  course  not.  (he  jumps  down)  I 
thought  I  saw  a  bird's  nest,  (looks)  I  was  mistaken; 
but  feeling  (BOY  heard  whistling  the  A.M.B.)  rather 
warm  after  my  walk,  I  fancied  it  would  be  cooler  under 
the  branches.  My  object,  in  fact,  was 

GAN     Shady!      (crosses  down  L.  of  table) 

THOP.    What? 

3 


4-  LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

GAN.     I  was  sayin'  it's  shady  under  the  h'oak.     (puts 
toast  on  table) 
THOB,     Exactly. 

(NEWSBOY  enters  at  gate,  crosses  to  c.  and  calls  towards 
kitchen  window.) 

BOY.     Papiers! 

GAN.     Late  again!     (crosses  in  front  of  table) 

BOY.     No,  I  ain't,     (turns  and  faces  GANDY) 

GAN.  Yes,  you  h'are.  (looks  at  silver  watch)  Four 
minutes  and  a  half  late.  (THORSBY  sits  R.  and  reads 
letter)  Your  prospects  of  a  Christmas-box  are  dark- 
enin'  week  by  week. 

BOY.     Well,  but  I  say,  Gandy!      (crosses  down  c.) 

GAN.  Mr.  Gandy!  A  leetle  more  respect  micht  assist 
your  grandmother's  next  h'application  to  the  coal  and 
blanket  fund.  Now,  is  this  to-day's  "Standard?" 

BOY.     Yus!      (giving  it) 

GAN.    Very  good.    And  the  other  papers? 

BOY.     "  Sportin'  Life!  "     (gives  it) 

THOB.  "  Sporting  Life!  "  (BOY  sees  jam,  and  works 
round  to  top  of  table)  That's  rather  an  innovation,  isn't 
it? 

GAN.  (crosses  to  THORSBY  c.)  It's  for  Captain  Dor- 
vaston.  We  deplore  it,  but  we're  'elpless.  (places 
papers  on  table  R.  c.,  startles  BOY  and  comes  towards 
him.  BOY  backs  towards  gate.  To  BOY)  Go  along  with 
you,  and,  mind  me,  if  there's  any  more  tip-cat  down 
our  road,  I  call  at  the  police  station. 

BOY.  All  right.  Keep  your  'air  on.  (goes  off,  sing- 
ing the  chorus  of  A.M.B.) 

(LUCY  comes  out  of  house  with  bowl  of  flowers.) 

LUCY.     Good  morning,  Mr.  Thorsby!      (c.) 

THOB.     Good  morning!     (rises) 

LUCY.    You're  an  early  visitor,     (puts  bowl  on  table) 

THOR.     Yes,  I — I  was 

GAN.  (has  crossed  and  turns  at  porch)  Bird's 
nestin'!  (he  goes  in  through  porch) 

LUCY,  (they  both  watch  him  off,  LUCY  goes  up  a 
little  and  down  again)  What  does  he  mean? 

THOR.  He  caught  me  standing  up  on  that  seat.  I 
had  just  found  your  letter,  (she  hushes  him)  and  I 
had  to  give  some  explanation. 

LUCY.  And  couldn't  you  rise  to  anything  better  than 
that?  My  dear  Harry,  what  an  idiot  you  are. 


LADY  HTJNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.  5 

THOR.  You  see,  I  greatly  dislike  any  deviation  from 
the  truth. 

LUCY.  Truth  is  a  luxury  very  few  of  us  can  afford. 
When  you  and  I  are  married 

THOR.  (advancing)  Darling!  (rushes  to  embrace 
her,  she  waves  him  off) 

LUCY.  Stay  where  you  are!  All  the  back  windows 
have  eyes  to  them.  Muslin  curtains  don't  count.  When 
we  are  married (crosses  L.) 

THOR.     In  fact,  after  to-morrow 

LUCY.  Oh,  Harry,  do  shut  up  a  minute.  You  object 
to  shams,  how  is  a  properly  organised  household  to  be 
carried  on  without  'em?  (sits  R.  of  breakfast  table) 
Suppose  I'm  up  to  my  neck  in  something  important — 
putting  finishing  touches  to  a  new  ball-dress,  we'll  say 
— and  some  female  horror  calls — mustn't  I  be  out  be- 
cause I  happen  to  be  at  home?  Deviation  from  the 
truth!  My  dear  boy,  I  should  deviate  for  all  I  was 
worth.  So  you  got  my  letter? 

THOR.    Ye's. 

LUCY.     And  your  answer? 

THOR.  I  posted  it  in  our  usual  letter  box.  (going  to 
tree) 

LUCY.  All  right,  I'll  get  it  directly.  Does  it  give 
full  directions? 

THOR.     I  think  so.     (comes  c.) 

LUCY.     Got  the  special  license? 

THOR.  Yes.  (makes  to  embrace  her,  she  puts  him  off 
and  points  to  windows) 

LUCY.     You've  arranged  with  old  Bristowe? 

THOR.     Yes. 

LUCY.  And  we  bike  over  to  Ingledene  Church — what 
time?  Early  of  course? 

THOR.     I  said  nine. 

LUCY.  Very  well,  (rises)  Now  you'd  better  go.  (he 
objects)  They'll  be  coming  out  to  breakfast. 

THOR.     (again  advancing)     Darling! 

LUCY,  (motions  him  off  again)  Back  windows! 
(crosses  up  c.  to  house  to  see  if  they  have  been  seen) 

THOR.  (turning  towards  her)  I  was  going  to  say 
that  I  can't  help  regretting  the  way  we  are  treating 
Captain  Dorvaston. 

LUCY.  You  mind  your  own  business,  (she  crosses 
down  R.  and  leans  on  rustic  table)  Captain  Dorvaston 
is  in  my  department. 

THOR.  I  never  fully  understood  how  you  came  to  be 
engaged,  (crosses  to  her) 

LUCY.    Simple  enough.    My  father  was  a  colonel  who 


6  LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

did  some  rather  big  things  on  the  Indian  frontier,  and 
in  a  dust  up  with  one  of  the  native  Princes  got  him- 
self into  rather  a  tight  corner.  Jack  Dorvaston — he  was 
only  a  subaltern  then — pulled  him  out  of  it,  and  in  fact 
saved  his  life;  so  when  the  governor  died  a  year  or  two 
later,  he  left  a  strong  wish  behind  that  the  Captain 
should  marry  me. 

THOB.     I  understand. 

LUCY,  (crosses  round  and  sits  on  tree  seat  R.)  It 
was  a  queer  way  of  showing  his  gratitude,  seeing  that 
I  was  then  a  particularly  unattractive  child,  all  elbows 
and  knees. 

THOB.    Lucy! 

LUCY.  It's  all  right,  don't  be  nervous;  time  has 
softened  them  down,  (beckons  him  nearer)  I  have  a 
notion  that  Jack  has  always  funked  the  thing,  but  his 
colonel  had  given  his  orders,  (he  sits  on  table)  don't 
you  see?  And  that  was  enough  for  him.  I  don't  regard 
discipline — military  or  parental — with  the  same  amount 
of  respect.  British  freedom  means  the  right  to  make  a 
fool  of  one's  self  in  one's  own  way.  You're  my  way, 
and  that's  enough  for  you.  (he  tries  to  take  her  hand, 
she  draws  it  away)  Back  windows! 

THOR.     I  suppose  no  one  guesses  that  we ? 

LUCY.  Mean  business!  No,  with  the  exception  possi- 
bly of  Cook. 

THOR.      Cook!      (he  looks  at  her  in  surprise) 

LUCY.     Somehow  I've  a  notion  she's  tumbled  to  it. 

THOB.    Would   it  matter?-  Would   she ? 

LUCY.  Prattle  about  it?  No,  I  think  she  rather  likes 
me — tolerates  would  be  a  better  word. 

THOB.    Tolerates?    A  woman  of  that  class? 

LUCY.  Cook  is  a  very  great  personage;  she  rules  the 
vicarage.  Auntie  made  a  show  of  resistance  at  first, 
but  Uncle  and  Jack  have  been  abject  slaves  from  the 
start. 

THOB.    Really? 

LUCY.  Oh  yes;  when  a  woman  is  striking  in  ap- 
pearance, evidently  has  a  past  history,  and  can  make  an 
omelette,  I  don't  see  what's  going  to  stop  her. 

THOB.    What's  her  history? 

LUCY.  How  should  I  know?  She  was  recommended 
to  us  by  the  Duchess  of  Sturton  at  the  time  she  opened 
the  bazaar — you  remember.  Local  philanthropic? 

THOB.     Then  you've  nothing  tangible  to  go  on? 

LUCY.  Not  from  a  masculine  standpoint.  (rises) 
Cook  doesn't  give  herself  away,  but,  like  Achilles,  she 
has  one  vulnerable  point,  and  in  the  same  locality. 


LADY  HUNT  WORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.  f 

THOB.     How  is  that?     (rising  with  LUCY) 

LUCY.  She  wears  the  neatest,  quietest  shoes  imagin- 
able, only  I  happened  to  notice  they  have  Louis  heels 
(he  looks  in  wonder)  That  tells  you  nothing — the  in- 
ference is  too  subtle;  but  it's  quite  enough  for  me. 
(GANDY  appears  with  butter  on  tray,  he  comes  right 
of  table)  Make  a  dignified  clerical  exit — here  comes 
Gandy. 

THOB.  (takes  hat  and  backs  to  c.)  I  think  I  won't 
wait,  Miss  Lucy.  (GANDY  coughs,  THOBSBY  turns  nerv- 
ously, and  looks  at  him)  So  will  you  kindly  give  my 
message  to  Mr.  Pillenger? 

LUCY.     Certainly! 

THOB.  Thank  you.  (crosses  to  gate  L.)  Good  morn- 
ing! 

LUCY.  Good  morning.  (he  looks  towards  LUCY — 
catches  GANDY'S  eye  and  exits  through  gate.  LUCY  is 
applauding  his  exit  when  GANDY  turns  and  hides  her 
action.  LUCY-  sits  on  garden  chair  and  opens  the 
"Standard")  Gandy!  what  is  there  for  breakfast? 
(GANDY  has  crossed  to  top  of  table  and  placed  butter 
on  it) 

GAN.    H'eggs! 

LUCY.    Poached  ? 

GAN.     Biled. 

LUCY.     Auntie  said  poached. 

GAN.     Cook  said  biled. 

LUCY.    Oh!     There's  some  fish,  isn't  there? 

GAN.    Kidneys. 

LUCY.     But  Auntie  particularly  mentioned  fish. 

GAN.     Cook  thought  kidneys  would  be  preferable. 

LUCY.    Oh!     (she  reads  paper) 

(Ms.  PILLENGEB  comes  out  c.  looking  at  his  watch.) 

PIL.  Ah,  Lucy!  breakfast  not  ready?  (LUCY  rises 
and  crosses  to  c.) 

LUCY.     Breakfast  is  late — as  usual. 

PIL.    As  usual?    What  do  you  mean  by  as  usual? 

LUCY.     I  mean — as  usual,     (returns  to  seat) 

PIL.  Cook  is  most  punctual.  If  some  trivial  hitch 
has  occurred  this  morning,  I  daresay  a  perfectly  reason- 
able explanation  will  be  forthcoming,  (takes  "  Sport- 
ing Life  "  off  table) 

GAN.    Kidneys  was  late!      (at  table) 

PIL.  Kidneys  was  late!  (to  LUCY) — er — were  late. 
I  knew  it!  That  man  Skeggs'  meat — which  I  more  than 
suspect  of  being  colonial — is  never  delivered  in  time. 


8  LADY  HUNT  WORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

(to  GANDY)  Explain  to  Cook  that  the  delay  is  of  no 
consequence,  and  beg  her  not  to  hurry. 

GAN.  (speaking  as  he  goes)  She  won't  hurry!  (he 
goes  into  the  house;  PIL.  and  LUCY  look  at  each  other; 
PIL.  then  opens  paper  and  sees  his  mistake.) 

PIL.  (takes  "Standard"  from  LUCY)  If  I  shall  not 
be  depriving  you  of  the  "  Standard  "-  — ? 

LUCY.  Not  at  all!  (she  picks  up  "Sporting  Life") 
I'll  have  a  look  at  Jack's  "  Sporting  Life." 

PIL.  (crossing  to  table,  turns  to  her)  By  the  way, 
during  the — I  trust — brief  interval  of  time  that  must 
elapse  before  your  marriage  with  Captain.  Dorvaston, 
you  might  hint  to  him  that  the  newspaper  he  favours 
is  at  variance  with  the  general  tone  of  a  pious  house- 
hold. 

LUCY.     I'll  mention  it. 

PIL.     I  am  obliged  to  you.     (crosses  and  sits  L.) 

(Miss  PILLENGEB  comes  out  through  French  window.) 

Miss  P.     Good  morning,  Audley! 

PIL.  Good  morning.  (LUCY  rises,  crosses  and  kisses 
Miss  PILLENGER  and  returns  B.) 

Miss  P.    Well,  Lucy! 

LUCY.     Good  morning,  Auntie. 

Miss  P.  Is  breakfast  not  ready?  (looking  at  table 
through  glasses) 

PIL.  No,  it  isn't  ready1 — not  quite  ready.  I  have  no 
doubt  it's  nearly  ready. 

Miss  P.  I  shall  really  have  to  speak  sharply  to  Cook. 
(moves  towards  kitchen) 

PIL.  I  see  no  necessity  for  any — er — drastic  step  of 
that  description.  The  delay  is  due  to  that  man  Skeggs. 

Miss  P.     Skeggs?     (returns  to  c.) 

PIL.  Skeggs.  It  is  also  traceable,  in  a  minor  degree 
to  yourself — your  injudicious  selection  of  kidneys. 

Miss  P.     Kidneys? 

PIL.  Yes;  you  are  aware  of  my  preference  for  fish, 
and  therefore  I  consider  the  substitution  of  kidneys — 

Miss  P.  I  ordered  fish — and  I  did  not  order  kidneys. 
Cook  is  entirely  responsible  for  the  change,  and  I  shall 
certainly (moves  towards  kitchen  again) 

PIL.  Hannah!  Hannah!  If  Cook  understood  your 
order,  which  is  by  no  means  obvious  (Miss  PILLENGEB 
crosses  round  and  sits  L.),  she  was  doubtless  influenced 
by — er — by  Lucy's  partiality  for  kidneys. 

LUCY.     I  never  touch  them. 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.  9 

PIL.  Well,  she  couldn't  know  that.  Really  I  think 
this  discussion  has  been  sufficiently  prolonged. 

(GANDY  comes  out  loith  breakfast.  He  places  large  salver 
with  tea  in  tea-pot,  dish  of  kidneys,  and  eggs  in  stand 
on  chair  at  top  B.  of  table.  MB.  PILLENGEB  hands 
him  the  "  Standard,"  which  he  puts  on  back  of  chair. 
He  then  places  eggs  and  dish  of  kidneys  on  table,  takes 
tea-pot  and  tray  up,  and  crosses  to  L.  to  place  it  in 
position;  he  then  removes  cover  of  kidney  dish,  and 
slowly  exjts  through  porch.) 

PIL.  Here  is  the  breakfast.  Let  us  endeavor  to  ap- 
proach it  in  a  seemly  spirit.  Where  is  Captain  Dorvas- 
ton?  (LUCY  crosses  to  L.)  Upon  my  word,  Lucy,  con- 
sidering the  ties  that  will  unite  you,  I  hope  very  shortly, 
to  Captain  Dorvaston,  I  think  he  might  conform  to  my 
rules. 

LUCY.  Jack  was  late  last  night,  (sits  and  takes 
napkin  out  of  ring) 

PIL.  He  was.  Creaking  boots  after  midnight  are  a 
serious  infliction. 

LUCY.     I'll  call  up  to  him  if  you  like. 

PIL.  I  should  be  indebted.  (LUCY  rises  and  goes  up 
c.  MB.  PILLENGEB  takes  napkin  out  of  ring  and  puts  it 
inside  his  collar) 

LUCY,  (goes  up  stage)  Jack!  Jack!'  (CAPTAIN  DOB- 
VASTON  opens  window,  he  is  in  his  shirt  sleeves) 

DOB.     Hulloa! 

LUCY.     Breakfast! 

DOR.    What  say,  little  woman? 

LUCY.  Breakfast!  Kidneys!  Devilled!  (MR.  PiL- 
LENGEB,  MlSS  PlLLENCEB  and  GANDY  Oil  Start) 

PIL.     Tut!   tut!     Broiled— broiled! 

DOB.  Right-0!  down  in  a  minute!  (he  shuts  the 
window.  LUCY  returns  to  the  table) 

Miss  P.  What  are  your  plans  for  to-day,  Audley? 
(Miss  PILLENGEB  has  undone  napkin  and  is  pouring  out 
tea) 

PIL.     I  expect  to  be  rather  busy. 

LUCY.  It's  sermon  day,  isn't  it?  (hands  toast  to  MB. 
PILLENGER,  and  takes  an  egg  and  toast  herself) 

PIL.  It  is.  So  I  trust  your  piano  practice  will  be 
reduced  to  a  minimum. 

LUCY.  I'm  going  down  to  the  village.  I  suppose 
you'll  have  broken  the  back  of  it  by  lunch  time. 

PIL.     Possibly — probably! 


10          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

(DOBVASTON    comes    out    from    French    window;    takes 
LUCY'S  hand  between  both  his  caressingly.) 

DOB.  'Fraid  I'm  a  bit  late.  How  are  you,  sir?  (bow- 
ing to  MB.  PILLENGEB  and  Miss  PILLENGER) 

PIL.     In  my  ordinary  health,  I  am  obliged  to  you. 

DOB.  You  look  astonishing  fit.  (sits)  Now  d'you 
know,  I  feel  as  jumpy  as  a  flea. 

Miss  P.    Captain  Dorvaston! 

DOB.  Fact,  ma'am!  (takes  his  napkin  out  of  ring) 
How  are  you  this  morning? 

Miss  P.    Without  being  actually  indisposed,  I  feel — 
(hands  tea  to  LUCY) 

DOR.  Chippy — I  know;  same  here.  Where  are  those 
kidneys  you  were  shouting  about,  Lucy?  (MB.  PILLEN- 
GEB hands  them)  Thanks!  (MR.  PILLENGER  passes  kid- 
neys to  DORVASTON,  which  he  serves  himself) 

LUCY.    You  kept  it  up  again  last  night,  Jack? 

DOB.  I  had  a  gentle  flutter  at  the  Plough  and  Rain- 
bow. There  was  a  little  pool,  so  of  course  I  went  in. 

Miss  P.  I  hope  you  changed  your  things,  (DORVAS- 
TON and  LUCY  laugh)  Captain  Dorvaston.  Damp  cloth- 
ing is  so  very  dangerous. 

LUCY.     Pool  is  a  kind  of  billiards,  Auntie. 

Miss  P.  Oh,  I  misunderstood!  Your  tea,  Captain 
Dorvaston.  (she  hands  tea  to  DORVASTON) 

DOB.  Thank  you,  ma'am.  (PILLENGER  hands  salt, 
etc.) 

LUCY.  How  did  you  do  over  it?  (hands  toast  to  DOR- 
VASTON) 

DOR.     So  so.     I  took  a  few  lives  at  the  finish. 

Miss  P.  Dear  me!  It  sounds  rather  a  bloodthirsty 
pastime. 

DOB.  There  was  a  man  there  named  Crayll — nailing 
good  player!  Potted  'em  just  as  he  liked.  He  seemed 
to  be  a  thirsty  little  beggar.  I  should  say  he  took  a 
bit  of  knowing. 

LUCY.    Who's  that,  Jack? 

DOB.  This  fellah  Crayll.  He's  stopping  at  the  Plough 
and  Thingummy — we're  going  to  try  a  horse  together. 

LUCY.    To-day? 

DOB.  Yes.  Said  he'd  call  round  some  time  this  morn- 
ing, (pause) 

PIL.  Hannah,  we  must  dine  earlier  this  evening,  in 
view  of  the  Penny  Reading. 

DOB.  Another  of  those  festive  gatherings!  Hope  you 
don't  expect  me  to  tip  'em  anything  this  time? 

PIL.     No,    Captain    Dorvaston;    your   contribution   on 


LADY  HUNTWOETH'S  EXPERIMENT.  H 

the  last  occasion  may  have  been  well  intentioned — I 
judge  no  man,  and  will  hope  so 

DOB.  Thought  it  was  just  the  thing  to  wake  'em  up 
after  that  Shakespearian  bit  of  yours — The  Ball  of 
Worsted. 

PIL.     The  Fall  of  Wolsey! 

Miss  P.  I  was  not  present  last  time.  What  did  Cap- 
tain Dorvaston  read? 

DOB.  It  was  an  account  of  the  last  American  glove 
fight,  don't  you  know? 

Miss  P.     Oh! 

PIL.  Described  with  a  wealth  of  technical  detail. 
(hands  his  cup  to  Miss  PILLEXGER)  The  whole  occur- 
rence was  most  regrettable.  I  was  observing,  Hannah, 
we  shall  have  to  dine  earlier 

Miss  P.     I  had  some  idea  of  making  it  a  cold  meal. 

PIL.  Cold  meal!  A  most  unpleasant  suggestion. 
Cold  food,  especially  in  the  evening,  has  a  tendency  to 
lie  heavy  on  the  stom — er — that  is,  I  see  nothing  feasi- 
ble in  the  notion. 

DOB.  Oh  no,  hang  it  all,  ma'am!  Cold  stuff  ain't  the 
kind  of  thing  to  do  a  Penny  Reading  on. 

Miss  P.  I  thought  under  the  circumstances  it  might 
be  easier  for  Cook. 

PIL.     Eh? 

DOR.    What?     (long  pause,  the  men  look  at  her) 

Miss  P.     But  as  you  both  object 

DOR.     Hold  on,  ma'am! 

PIL.     One  moment,  Hannah! 

Miss  P.     I  will  explain  to  Cook. 

PIL.     Hannah!     Hannah!     You're  so  hasty. 

DOB.     Hannah — ma'am — pity  to  be  hasty. 

PIL.  If  you  will  permit  me  to  explain  myself,  Cap- 
tain Dorvaston?  I  have  no  wish,  Hannah,  to  add  weight 
to  Cook's  very  arduous  duties. 

DOB.     Hear,  hear!      (slaps  the  table) 

PIL.  (raising  his  voice)  And  therefore  it  seems  to 
me — er — unmanly  to  lay  stress  upon  possible  digestive 
difficulties  which  fortitude  and  a  little  pepsin  should 
enable  us  to  face  with  calmness.  Let  the  meal  be  a 
cold  one.  (Lucv  has  folded  up  napkin  again,  and  taken 
"  Standard  "  from  back_  of  chair,  and  is  reading  it) 

DOB.     Point  of  fact,  it  makes  a  pleasant  change. 

Miss  P.     But,  Audley! 

PIL.  The  queston  is  decided.  We  will  not  pursue 
the  subject,  (pause) 

DOB.     (to  LUCY)     Anything  in  the  paper? 


12          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

LUCY.  There's  something  about  the  Huntworth  Di- 
vorce case. 

PIL.  We  have  no  wish  to  hear  any  news  relating  to 
such  a  matter. 

DOB.  But  it's  an  old  business,  ain't  it?  When  I  was 
at  Malta  last  year,  the  chaps  used  to  chat  about  it  at 
mess. 

LUCY.     Lord  Huntworth  brought  the  divorce  didn't  he? 

PIL.  Yes,  Lord  Huntworth  was  the  petitioner.  It 
was  a  sad  case. 

DOB.     I  know  Bob  Caruthers. 

LUCY.  Who's  he?  (rises  and  crosses  up  to  DORVAS- 
TON — still  reading  the  paper) 

DOB.    The  co 

PIL.     Tut!  tut! 

DOB.     Bob  was  an  extraordinary  good  chap! 

PIL.  How  can  any  individual  be  described  as  good 
who  has  occupied  the  position  of — er — a  co-respondent? 

DOR.    Bob  managed  it. 

PIL.     You  seem  to  ignore  poor  Lord  Huntworth. 

DOB.  Didn't  know  Huntworth — did  know  Bob.  He 
once  lent  me  a  monkey  when  I  wanted  it  badly — lent 
it  when  he  wanted  it  badly.  Devilish  good  chap! 

PIL.     Tut!  tut! 

DOB.     Beg  pardon,  sir — slipped  out. 

LUCY.  Did  you  know  Lady  Huntworth,  Jack? 
(crosses  to  R.  and  sits  under  tree) 

DOR.    No.     Heard  she  was  a  nice  woman. 

PIL.     Nice? 

DOR.     So  fellahs  who  met  her  used  to  say. 

Miss  P.  But  I  always  understood  the  suit  was  unde- 
fended. 

PIL.     Entirely  undefended. 

DOB.  Matrimonial  thimblerig  is  a  confusing  game  to 
watch. 

PIL.    Thimblerig? 

DOB.  Three  thimbles,  don't  you  know?  Husband — 
wife — and  the  other  chap.  (Mu.  PILLENGEB  looks  up) 
Well,  what  I  meant  to  say  was,  it  ain't  easy  for  the 
looker-on  to  say  which  thimble  the  fault  is  under.  By- 
the-bye,  I  saw  something  in  the  paper  about  Lady 
Huntworth  the  other  day. 

PIL.  Surely  the  whole  affair  is  uninteresting  and 
unsavory? 

DOB.  Noosance  to  forget  a  thing!  What  was  the  bit 
you  were  reading,  Lucy? 

LUCY.  That  yesterday  the  rule  was  made  absolute. 
What  does  that  mean? 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          13 

DOB.  Only  that  the  time  was  up.  They  keep  'em  in 
blinkers  for  six  months  after  the  verdict.  (DOBVASTON 
draws  napkin  through  the  ring)  But  that  wasn't  what 
I  read?  What  the  devil  was  it  now? 

PIL.  Tut!  Really!  Really!  I  think  we've  all  fin- 
ished, haven't  we?  (GANDY  appears  with  letters,  three 
of  which  MB.  PILLENGEB  takes,  and  two  Miss  PILLENGEB) 
Hannah,  you  will  probably  wish  to  interview  Cook. 
(DOBVASTON  rises,  takes  chair  B.,  sits  and  begins  to  load 
his  pipe) 

Miss  P.  I  will  see  her  in  your  presence.  (GANDY 
has  come-back  to  top  of  table)  Gandy,  will  you  ask 
Cook  to  come  to  me?  I  wish  to  give  her  my  orders. 

GAN.     H'orders?     (DOBVASTON  fills  pipe  and  lights  it) 

Miss  P.    Orders. 

GAN.     I'll  name  it  to  her.  (slowly  exits  through  porch) 

PIL.  (opening  letter,  which  he  holds  during  the 
whole  scene -with  COOK)  Hannah,  I  would  suggest  that 
whatever  you  have  to  say  to  Cook  may  be  said  calmly 
and  without  un'due  severity. 

Miss  P.  (opening  letters  which  she  holds  during  the 
whole  scene  with  COOK)  That  should  be  left  to  my  dis- 
cretion; a  stand  must  be  made  somewhere. 

(GASOLINE  has   come  out  of  kitchen  during   this;  she 
advances  to  the  table.) 

CAB.  You  wished  to  speak  to  me?  (the  men  turn 
and  face  her) 

Miss  P.  Yes,  Cook.  I  want  to  give  you  the  orders 
for  to-day's  dinner. 

CAB.  Certainly!  What  do  you  fancy?  What  would 
you  all  like?  (she  glances  round,  both  men  beam  at 
her) 

Miss  P.  Before  we  speak  of  that  I  have  a  word  to 
say  with  regard  to  the  breakfast. 

CAB.     To-morrow's  breakfast? 

Miss  P.  No,  to-day's.  I  am  very  much  astonished  and 
annoyed. 

PIL.     Tut,  tut! 

CAB.  What  was  wrong  with  the  breakfast?  When  I 
sent  it  out  it  looked  all  right. 

Miss  P.  Why  were  my  directions  disregarded?  I 
ordered  the  eggs  to  be  poached — you  boiled  them;  I 
mentioned  fried  bacon — none  came  to  table;  I  requested 
you  to  procure  fish — you  gave  us  kidneys.  Now  what 
have  you  to  say? 


14          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

CAB.  I'm  afraid  I  forgot  about  the  eggs?  I  haven't 
any  other  excuse  to  offer. 

PIL.     A  most  reasonable  explanation! 

DOB.  Things  do  slip  one's  memory.  (Miss  PILLEN- 
OER  glares  at  DOBVASTON) 

CAB.  I  didn't  cook  any  bacon;  it  had  got  rather  low, 
and  I  didn't  think  the  result  would  please  you. 

PIL.  Impossible  to  cut  rashers  from  bacon  that  is — 
er — practically  non-existent. 

DOB.  Thing  no  fellah  could  do!  (Miss  PILLENGEB 
glares  at  him) 

CAB.  I  remember  you  did  mention  fish,  but  you've 
had  a  good  deal  of  fish  lately,  so  I  thought  I'd  try  you 
with  kidneys.  But  if  there  has  been  any  inconvenience, 
I'm  sorry. 

PIL.     There  has  been  no  inconvenience. 

DOB.  None  at  all.  (Miss  PILLENBEB  glares  at  DOB- 
VASTON) 

PIL.  Hannah,  I  think  we  may  pass  (as  they  say  in 
the  House  of  Commons)  to  the  orders  of  the  day. 

DOR.    Hear,  hear!     (PILLENGEB  looks  at  him) 

Miss  P.  Well,  Cook,  since  you  express  your  regret 
(DOBVASTON  and  LUCY  laugh)  I  will  say  no  more.  Now 
as  to  this  evening,  you  will  be  in  sole  charge  of  the 
house,  (both  men  look  up)  as  I  have  given  Keziah  per- 
mission to  go  to  the  Penny  Reading — so  I  think  we 
will  make  it  a  cold  meal,  as  that  will  entail  less  wash- 
ing up. 

CAB.     Just  as  you  like. 

Miss  P.    We  will  begin  with  salmon. 

CAR.  (reflectively)  Salmon?  Yes,  you  might  have 
salmon. 

Miss  P.    Pickled  salmon. 

CAB.  Oh,  no,  not  pickled!  (both  men  shake  their 
heads)  That  would  be  a  pity!  I'll  make  you  a  mayon- 
naise. 

PIL.     Delightful! 

DOR.    Rippin'! 

CAB.     I  shall  want  some  lettuces.     I'll  tell  Gandy. 

Miss  P.     After  that  we  will  have  two  cold  ducklings. 

CAB.     Ducklings?    It's  late  for  ducklings. 

PIL.     Maturity  in  poultry  is  to  be  deprecated. 

DOR.  Leathery  beasts  at  this  time  of  the  year.  (Miss 
PILLENGER  glares  at  DOBVASTON) 

Miss  P.     Then  why  not  a  gosling? 

CAB.     It's  early  for  geese. 

DOB.     Deuced  early! 

PIL.    Entirely  premature. 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          15 

Miss  P.  When  I  mentioned  a  goose  I  was  thinking 
of  Mr.  Pillenger.  (DORVASTON  and  LUCY  laugh) 

PIL.     Tut,  tut!     Hannah! 

DOE.  Hope,  ma'am,  when  you  mentioned  a  duck,  you 
were  thinking  of  me. 

Miss  P.  I  fail  to  understand  you.  My  brother  is  ex- 
ceedingly partial  to  goose. 

CAB.  There's  a  ham  in  cut,  so  I  think  we'd  better 
fall  back  on  fowls.  It  isn't  easy  to  do  anything  very 
novel  with  cold  fowls,  but  if  I  stuff  and  glaze  them,  I've 
no  doubt  they'll  pass  muster. 

Miss  P."  But,  Cook,   I 

CAB.    You  like  sweets,  of  course? 

Miss  P.     Certainly,  you  had  better  make  us 

CAB.  Will  you  leave  the  sweets  to  me?  I  want  to 
try  a  new  kind  of  fruit  salad;  it's  my  first  attempt, 
but  you'll  find  it  will  be  all  right — and  perhaps  I  might 
throw  in  a  shape  of  jelly — we'll  see. 

Miss  P.    Buk 

CAB.  What  time  will  you  dine? — at  least  it  isn't  din- 
ner— what  time  will  you  sup? 

Miss  P.     At  seven  to-night,  instead  of  half-past. 

CAB.  Seven!  I  shall  be  ready.  Is  there  anything 
else  you  wish  to  say  to  me? 

Miss  P.  No,  Cook;  I  don't  suppose  anything  will  be 
gained  by  my  saying  any  more,  (turns  away  and  reads 
letters) 

CAB.  Very  good!  (takes  kidney  dish  off  table,  MB. 
PILLENGEB  assisting  her;  she  crosses  c.) 

DOB.  (speaking  eagerly)  Ah!  here's  that  bit  about 
Lady  Huntworth.  (CABOLINE  looks  round  at  him  in  a 
startled  manner)  It's  in  the  Agony  column,  (reads) 
"  Will  Lady  Huntworth  communicate  with  Messrs. 
Brampton  and  Stokes,  Capel  Court,  on  a  matter  of  con- 
siderable importance?" 

PIL.  Why  should  we  resume  the  discussion  of  that 
disgraceful  woman?  (CABOLINE  turns  and  looks  at  him) 

Miss  P.    Why,  indeed?     (CAROLINE  looks  at  her) 

DOB.  (to  LUCY)  When  we  were  talking  just  now, 
couldn't  remember  where  I'd  read  that.  Hate  to  forget 
a  thing. 

Miss  P.  Cook!  (CABOLINE  stands  thinking  quietly) 
Cook! 

CAB.     I — beg  your  pardon! 

Miss  P.  We  needn't  keep  you,  if  you  quite  under- 
stand about  the  supper. 

CAB.  Oh,  quite,  thanks!  (exit  into  kitchen;  DOBVAS- 
XON  rises,  looks  after  her  u.  B.) 


16          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

Miss  P.  Don't  you  think  that  woman  has  a  very 
singular  manner? 

PIL.  Singular!  No,  she  is  certainly  superior  —  very 
superior. 

Miss  P.  (rises,  crosses  c.  )  She  is  so  superior  that 
she  seems  above  taking  my  orders. 


comes  out  during  this  and  continues  clearing 
away.  He  places  MB.  PILLENGER'S  chair  up  B.  c.  and 
Miss  PILLENGEB'S  chair  up  L.  above  gate.  Folds  cloth 
over  tray,  and  takes  it  into  the  kitchen.  Then  comes 
back,  folds  up  table  and  takes  it  away  into  house  be- 
fore cue,  "  This  is  July.") 

DOB.  I  wouldn't  say  that,  (crosses  to  c.),  ma'am;  she 
met  you  half  way  over  the  salmon,  (returns  to  win- 
dow. Miss  PILLENGEB  goes  up  with  dignity  and  enters 
house  through  French  ivindow) 

PIL.  (rises,  crosses  c.)  Thorsby  is  late.  I  expected 
him  to  call. 

LUCY.  He  came  early  this  morning,  but  he  wouldn't 
wait. 

PIL.  Tut,  tut!  He  knows  I  wished  to  see  him.  I 
have  two  christenings  at  one-thirty,  and  an  interment  at 
three.  However,  Lucy  and  —  er  —  Captain  Dorvaston 
(crosses  and  brings  DORVASTON  down)  as  you  are  to- 
gether for  once  —  I  will  avail  myself  of  the  opportunity 
to  say  a  few  serious  words  to  you  both.  (DORVASTON 
and  LUCY  look  at  each  other  nervously) 

DOB.  Peg  away,  sir!  (LUCY  stands  near  table  B. 
DORVASTON  stands  centre) 

PIL.  I  have  no  wish  to  appear  unduly  inquisitive  on 
a  subject  with  which  I  have  merely  an  indirect  concern 
(sits  B.  of  table)  but  may  I  enquire  if  you  have  fixed  the 
time  that  will  make  you  both  —  that  will  make  us  all 
happy?  (puts  arm  on  table  and  leans  back.  LUCY  and 
DORVASTON  again  look  at  each  other)  Has  a  date  been 
arrived  at? 

LUCY.     Not  precisely. 

DOR.     Not  to  a  day  or  so. 

PIL.    Have  you  settled  on  the  week  or  the  month? 

DOR.  No,  we  haven't  got  as  far  as  that.  But  some- 
thing was  said  about  the  autumn. 

LUCY.    The  late  autumn. 

PIL.  (has  been  leaning  his  arm  on  the  table  —  now 
sits  up  and  faces  them)  The  late  autumn!  (sits  up) 
But  last  autumn  something  was  said  about  the  early 
spring;  the  question  was  then  relegated  to  the  late  sum- 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          If 

mer.  This  is  July,  and  where  are  we?  (he  leans  back 
and  is  about  to  rest  his  arm  on  table,  but  GANDY  has 
just  removed  it,  with  the  result  that  he  loses  his  bal- 
ance and  comes  on  his  hand.  DOBVASTON  goes  to  his 
assistance) 

DOR.     Allow  me,  sir! 

PIL.  Thank  you.  I  was  unaware  that  Gandy  had 
removed  the  table.  But,  to  resume  what  I  was  saying — 
can  you  give  me  any  definite  information? 

DOR.  You  see,  sir,  I  haven't  worried  Lucy,  because 
I  know  girls  are  apt  to  be  a  bit — a  bit 

PIL.    Well? 

DOR.  Noosance!  I've  lost  a  word.  Girls  are  apt  to 
be  a  bit 

LUCY.     Coy. 

DOR.  That's  it!  Thanks,  little  woman — a  bit  coy. 
(comes  to  PILLENGER) 

PIL.  Coy!  (rises,  comes  c.)  Well,  the  expression 
hardly  seems  .to  me  to  convey  Lucy's  habitual  de- 
meanour; but  in  any  case  she  is  of  age.  (to  LUCY) 
You  were  twenty-one  last  week  I  think? 

LUCY.     Yes,  I  was. 

PIL.     Your  small  fortune  is  carefully  tied  up. 

DOR.     Quite  right,  sir,  so  it  ought  to  be. 

PIL.  Captain  Dorvaston  (patting  him  on  the  shoul- 
der) is  in  a  firm  financial  position. 

DOR.     Pretty  fair  as  things  go. 

PIL.  Then  why  any  further  delay?  Why  not  Aug- 
ust? Nice  seaside  month.  My  own  thoughts  are  turn- 
ing towards  Eastbourne. 

DOR.  I  had  an  offer  from  a  fellah  I  know  to  go  halves 
in  a  shoot  this  August,  (going  to  LUCY)  but  I  wouldn't 
let  that  stand  in  the  way,  not  for  a  moment. 

LUCY.     Thanks,  Jack,     (crosses  down  R.  a  little) 

PIL.  Take  my  advice,  let  no  trivial  obstacle  inter- 
vene between  you.  Let  there  be  no  postponement  or  in- 
terruption. 

DOR.  There  shan't  be,  sir.  (CABOLINE  comes  out 
from  porch) 

PIL.     That's  well!      (they  shake  hands)     That's  well! 

CAB.  Gandy!  (both  men  turn  round  to  her  without 
releasing  hands) 

PIL.  Do  you  want  anything,  Cook?  (crosses  up  to 
her  L.) 

DOR.  Anything  I  could  do?  (they  both  go  up,  DOB- 
VASTON on  her  R.) 

CAR.     I  wanted  Gandy  for  a  second. 

PIL.     Certainly.    He  was  here  just  now. 

2 


18          LADY  HUNT  WORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

DOR.     Saw  him  a  minute  ago. 

PIL.     I'll  call  him.      (goes  L.  )     Gandy! 

DOR.     Fancy  he  went  this  way.     (goes  R.)     Gandy! 

PIL.     Sorry  to  detain  you!     Gandy! 

DOR.     Noosance  having  to  wait!      Gandy! 

CAR.  Pray  don't  bother  about  it;  I  only  wanted  him 
to  pick  me  some  parsley. 

PIL.     No  trouble  at  all.    Where  is  Gandy? 

DOR.  What's  happened  to  the  beggar?  Could  I — er — 
take  on  the  job? 

PIL.  Tut,  tut!  absurd!  How  should  you  know  the 
proper  way  to — er — pick  parsley? 

DOR.  Never  too  old  to  learn,  sir.  (to  CAROLINE) 
Where  should  I  be  likely  to  drop  across  it? 

CAB.  There's  a  small  parsley  bed  over  there  (she 
points  left) 

DOR.    Right-O!      (crosses  L.,  kneels) 

CAB.  But  it's  really  too  bad  to  trouble  you.  (crosses 
c.  MR.  PILLENGER  goes  with  CAROLINE  on  her  L.  ) 

DOR.  Not  a  bit!  To  oblige  you  I'd  pick  oakum! 
(he  kneels  and  picks  parsley) 

PIL.  I — er — regret — that — er — the  absence  of  Gandy 
— as  to  which  I  shall  require  some  explanation,  should 
have  caused  you  all  this  inconvenience. 

CAR.  It  doesn't  signify.  Captain  Dorvaston  is  doing 
the  work  very  nicely. 

DOR.  Fact  is  I've  broken  out  in  a  new  place.  Where 
shall  I  put  the  pieces?  (holding  up  parsley) 

CAR.  In  this  dish.  (MR."  PILLENGER  takes  dish  from 
her,  and  DORVASTON  snatches  it  from  him — puts  parsley 
in  it,  and  holds  it  out) 

DOR.  It's  very  easy  when  you  get  into  the  swing  of 
it.  Will  that  be  enough? 

CAR.     Plenty,  thanks. 

DOB.  There!  (rises,  crosses  to  hand  her  bowl;  PIL- 
LENGER  trying  to  get  hold  of  it) 

CAR.     I'm  much  obliged. 

DOR.  Don't  you  think  I  should  make  a  good  gar- 
dener? 

CAB.     Capital,  I  should  say.     (crosses  to  porch) 

PIL.     Tut!  tut!     (she  goes  up  stage) 

DOR.  Cook!  Cook!  (she  turns  round)  If  I  try  for 
the  situation  will  you  give  me  a  character? 

CAR.  I'm  afraid  I  haven't  one  to  spare!  (he  laughs; 
she  returns  to  the  kitchen) 

DOB.  (going  up  to  window,  then  turns  to  PILLENGER) 
By  George  she's  a  devilish — er 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          19 

PIL.  Tut!  tut!  (up  L.  c.;  LUCY  knocks  on  the  table 
two  or  three  times  to  draw  their  attention) 

DOB.  Just  so,  sir;  but  I  mean  she  is — don't  you  know 
— isn't  she? 

PIL.  (crosses  down  L.  c.)  She  is  undoubtedly  pos- 
sessed of  great  refinement  for  anyone  in  her  present 
sphere. 

DOR.     Refinement!      (crosses  down  R.  c.) 

PIL.  We  gathered  from  the  Duchess  of  Sturton  that 
Cook  had  seen  better  days.  Her  Grace  is  somewhat 
vague  conversationally;  but  we  understood  as  much  as 
that. 

DOR.  (confidentially,  he  hides  LUCY  from  PILLEN- 
GEE'S  view)  Funny  thing  a  woman  like  that  should  be 
running  loose.  Odd  she  hasn't  married  some  fellah. 

PIL.  It  is  singular — in  tact  remarkable.  For  a  cer- 
tain type  of  man  she  would  make — I  should  say — an 
admirable  wife. 

DOR.     Just  the  wife  for  a  soldier  man! 

PIL.  Pardon  me,  I  disagree  with  you.  No — she  has 
a  quietude,  a  dignified  reserve — that  would  fit  her  to 
preside  over  the  household  of  a  staid  medical  man — 
or  a  barrister  in  fair  practice — who  was  no  longer  young 

— or  even — a — a (catches  DORVASTON'S  eye)  But 

we're  wasting  the  morning,  (crosses  L.) 

LUCY.  Don't  say  that,  uncle,  (they  both  stare  at 
her) 

PIL.     Lucy!      (crosses  to  top  of  chair  B.) 

DOR,    Hulloa,  little  woman!     Still  there? 

LUCY.    Yes,  I'm  still  here. 

DOR.  By  George,  sir,  (crosses  and  sits  on  chair  fac- 
ing the  others)  weren't  we  all  chatting  over  something? 

PIL.     I — er — think  I  was  urging  you  both — to — er 

LUCY.  You  were  urging  us  to  name  the  day — and  to 
avoid  any  kind  of  trivial  interruption,  (the  men  look 
at  each  other) 

PIL.     I — believe  that  is  so. 

LUCY.     And  Jack  agreed. 

DOB.     Yes. 

LUCY.  And  I  chimed  in  with  the  general  sentiment. 
But  of  course — at  the  time — it  was  impossible  to  fore- 
see the  parsley,  (the  two  men  exchange  glances — she 
rises)  I'm  going  down  to  the  village.  I  punctured  a 
tire  yesterday,  and  I've  got  to  fetch  my  bike. 

PIL.  I  must  get  to  work.  I'm  late  as  it  is.  (crosses 
c.  looking  at  watch) 

DOR.  Make  it  a  ten  minutes'  sermon,  sir,  weather's 
extr'ordinary  hot. 


20          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

PIL.  I  beg,  Captain  Dorvaston,  you  will  spare  me 
any  such  irreverent  suggestions;  and  I  trust  that  if 
you  must  sleep  in  a  sacred  edifice,  you  will  render  your 
slumber  less  aggressive,  (moves  to  French  window) 

LUCY.  You  do  snore,  Jack — you  nearly  drowned  the 
second  lesson  last  Sunday. 

PIL.  (turning  to  LUCY)  You  are  not  blameless.  As 
his  future  wife,  it  is  your  duty — and — er — privilege — 
to  nudge  him.  For  what  purpose  has  Heaven  given 
you  elbows?  (he  goes  into  house.  Slight  pause.  DOR- 
VASTON puts  pipe  away.  LUCY  crosses  up,  turns  to  chair 
B.) 

LUCY.    Jack! 

DOB.    Yes,  little  woman? 

LUCY.     Do  you  care  for  me? 

DOB.     'Course   I   do! 

LUCY.  How  much?  (crosses  to  chair  and  kneels  on 
it) 

DOB.  How  much?  (rises,  crosses  c.)  Well,  I'm  a 
bad  hand  at  explaining  things. 

LUCY.  For  instance,  would  you  give  up  a  big  thing 
for  my  sake? 

DOB.     What  sort  of  big  thing? 

LUCY.     An  Empire? 

DOB.     Oh,  yes. 

LUCY.     A  peerage? 

DOB.    Oh,  Lord,  yes! 

LUCY.    Would  you  give  up — a  dish  of  parsley? 

DOB.  (long  puzzled  look)  What  do  you  mean?  I 
— don't  understand. 

LUCY.     You're  a  humbug! 

DOB.     Sorry  you  think  that. 

LUCY.    Well,  do  something  to  please  me. 

DOB.     Anything  I  can. 

LUCY.  Fetch  me  an  orchid,  (he  looks  surprised)  to 
wear  this  evening — there  are  lots  in  the  orchid  house 
— will  you? 

DOB.     'Course  I  will. 

LUCY.  Thanks.  (DORVASTON  crosses  up  B.  LUCY 
crosses  L.  c.,  and  DOBVASTON  crosses  down  to  her) 

DOB.  (places  hands  upon  LUCY'S  shoulder  and  speak- 
ing over  her  shoulder)  Little  woman!  Ever  since  the 
time  when  your  dear  old  dad  first  gave  us  the  word 
of  command,  I've  always  had  a  pretty  clear  notion 
where  the  word  duty  came  in;  so  when  once  you've 
pulled  yourself  together,  and  named  the  day,  I  mean 
to  pull  myself  together  and  do  my  level  damnedest  to 
make  you  happy.  D'you  see?  (turns  her  round) 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          21 

LUCY,  (facing  him)  Yes,  I  see.  (puts  hand  on  his 
shoulder)  I'm  quite  sure  you  mean  all  you  say,  and 
it's  nice  of  you  to  say  it,  and  to  mean  it.  The  only  thing 
is,  you  seem  to  be  entering  upon  a  matrimonial  cam- 
paign without  any  transports. 

DOB.     I  don't  follow. 

LUCY,  (takes  him  by  the  lapels  of  coat)  When  I 
said  you  were  a  humbug,  I  meant  there  is  one  person 
you  are  always  trying  to  deceive. 

DOR.     Who's  that? 

LUCY.  Jack  Dorvaston!  (he  looks  bewildered) 
Don't  you-  mind  what  I  say;  go  and  fetch  my  orchid. 
(turns  him  round  and  pushes  him  away.  He  pauses, 
rubs  his  head  reflectively,  and  at  last  strolls  off  a.  LUCY 
goes  over  to  the  tree  and  sits  for  a  moment  in  thought. 
She  suddenly  remembers  the  letter  in  tree,  and  jumps 
on  seat  to  get  it.  CAROLINE  has  come  out,  bringing  with 
her  two  pudding  basins  which  she  places  on  the  seat 
under  the  garden  window;  she  comes  down  to  table  B. 
to  take  up  the  neivspaper,  she  catches  sight  of  LUCY 
who  is  trying  to  get  the  letter  out  of  cavity) 

CAR.     (coming  c.)     Shall  I  do  that? 

LUCY.  Oh,  Cook,  is  that  you?  (turning  quickly) 
You  startled  me. 

CAR.     Did  I?     I'm  sorry. 

LUCY.    What  was  it  you  said? 

CAR.  I  offered  to  get  your  letter  for  you.  I  have  a 
longer  reach. 

LUCY.    What  letter?     (jumps  down) 

CAR.     The  latest  one  from  Mr.  Thorsby. 

LUCY.    Cook!     How  dare  you? 

CAR.     I'm  not  naturally  timid. 

LUCY.     You  are  excessively  impertinent. 

CAB.  Am  I?  Very  likely.  But  as  that  is  your  opin- 
ion, I'll  chance  a  rather  rude  question — When  are  you 
going  to  bolt  with  Mr.  Thorsby? 

LUCY.  What  do  you  mean?  I'm  foolish  to  listen  to 
you  at  all.  I  shall  go  to  my  uncle  and  aunt  and  tell 
them  what  you've  just  said,  (comes  close  to  COOK,  then 
wavers  and  takes  a  step  back) 

CAB.  (pause)  If  I  am  mistaken  about  you  and  Mr. 
Thorsby,  you  would  be  quite  right  to  tell  them.  Am  I 
mistaken?  (LUCY  tries  to  brave  her,  but  her  head  droops) 
Quite  so!  Then  I  think  I  would  get  the  compromising 
letter  out  of  the  tree  and  say  no  more  about  it — un- 
less you'll  let  me  do  it.  (makes  a  movement  to  get 
letter) 

LUCY.    Oh,  no!     (she  jumps  hastily  on  seat  and  gets 


22          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

letter)  There!  I  don't  care  if  you  do  know.  Anybody 
may  know  after  to-morrow. 

CAR.     So  it's  to  be  to-morrow? 

LUCY,  (jumps  down)  Yes,  it  is.  I  am  bound  to 
trust  you — I  can't  help  myself;  so  if  you  choose  to 
give  the  whole  thing  away,  you  can. 

CAB.  I  shan't  do  that.  On  the  contrary,  I  should 
like  to  do  any  little  thing  I  could  to  help  you.  (LUCY 
looks  in  wonder) 

LUCY.  Thank  you.  (slight  pause;  sits)  How  did 
you  find  out — about — us?  (looking  at  COOK) 

CAB.  (goes  up  a  step)  Two  or  three  Sundays  ago — 
I  was  coming  home  about  ten  in  the  evening — it  was  my 
Sunday  out — and  as  I  came  round  the  corner,  you  and 
Mr.  Thorsby  were  outside  the  gate. 

LUCY.     Oh!     (her  eyes  drop) 

CAB.  You  were  supposed  to  be  spending  the  evening 
with  your  friend  Mrs.  Bronson,  if  you  remember? 

LUCY.    Yes. 

CAB.  You  didn't  hear  me  coming  and  Mr.  Thorsby 
said  good-night  to  you. 

LUCY.     Oh! 

CAB.    He  said  it — very  thoroughly. 

LUCY.    Yes — I  believe  he  did. 

CAB.    That  was  how  I  found  out. 

LUCY,  (after  slight  pause)  How  funny  it  seems  to 
be  talking  to  you  about  it  all.  What  did  you  think — 
when  you  saw — what  you  saw? 

CAB.     I  was  rather  amused. 

LUCY.    What  did  you  think  of  met 

CAB.    Need  we  go  into  that? 

LUCY.     I  should  like  you  to  say. 

CAB.  Well,  to  tell  you  the  truth,  I  thought  you 
weren't  going  quite  straight. 

LUCY.     Because  of  Captain  Dorvaston? 

CAB.    Yes. 

LUCY.  I  don't  care  for  Captain  Dorvaston — and  I  do 
care  for  Mr.  Thorsby.  Surely  it's  better  to  marry  the 
man  you  love? 

CAB.  I  daresay  it  would  be.  I  have  nothing  to  say 
against  Mr.  Thorsby — he  seems  a  very  pleasant  young 
fellow.  I  shouldn't  think  he  would  take  to  drink  (LUCY 
looks  in  surprise)  or  turn  out  badly  to  any  special  ex- 
tent. Of  course,  one  can't  tell  beforehand. 

LUCY.     Cook!     (surprised) 

CAB.  It  would  be  all  right  if  you  weren't  engaged  to 
another  man. 

LUCY.    But  Jack  isn't  in  love  with  me!     (rises) 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          23 

CAB.     You  think  not? 

LUCY.  He  likes  me,  and  he  wouldn't  admit  to  any- 
body— certainly  not  to  himself — that  I  wasn't  all  the 
world  to  him,  and  a  bit  over;  but  in  the  way  of  real 
love  he  doesn't  care  a  rap  for  me.  He  doesn't  care — a 
sprig  of  parsley!  (they  look  at  each  other,  COOK  smiles, 
and  then  LUCY  takes  it  up) 

CAB.  Ah!  that  makes  a  difference,  (slight  pause) 
Well,  I  must  see  to  the  mayonnaise,  (she  turns  and 
goes  up  to  the  seat  under  the  kitchen  window,  she  begins 
to  break  eggs  into  the  basin.  LUCY  goes  up  to  porch 
and  sits  on  it,  leaning  her  head  against  the  pillar) 

LUCY.  Do  you  know,  I  think  you've  been  trying  to 
be  very  kind  to  me? 

CAB.     Not  at  all. 

LUCY.  I  was  wondering — if  you  would  tell  me  a  little 
— about  yourself. 

CAB.     Telt  you  what? 

LUCY.     Tell  me — about — your  life. 

CAB.  My  life!  No.  It's  waste  of  time  to  discuss 
failures. 

LUCY.  You  are  a  riddle — because  you  are — pardon 
me — a  lady. 

CAB.     Well? 

LUCY.  And  yet — yet — (looking  away)  Who  are  you? 
What  are  you? 

CAR.  The  Vicar's  cook,  (their  eyes  meet)  You  will 
do  me  a  favor,  Miss  Pillenger,  if  you  will  leave  it  at 
that. 

LUCY.  Oh,  certainly!  I'm  sorry.  I  didn't  mean  to 
be  inquisitive. 

(Church  clock  chimes  the  half -hour.) 

CAR.     I'm  sure  you  didn't. 

LUCY.  I  ought  to  go  down  to  the  village,  (crosses 
to  French  window) 

'CAB.  (takes  up  fork  and  begins  to  stir  eggs)  Don't 
let  me  make  you  late  for  any  appointment.  (COOK  puts 
boivl  on  window;  LUCY  tries  to  laugh,  and  exits  through 
French  window) 

(DORVASTON  enters  with  large  orchid.) 

DOR.  Here  you  are,  little  woman,  (looks  for  LUCY) 

CAB.  She  has  gone  down  to  the  village. 

DOR.  Hulloa!     Are  you  there,  Cook?     (goes  to  her) 

CAB.  Yes. 


24          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

DOB.     Doing  a  bit  of  al  fresco  cooking? 

CAB.     I'm  mixing  the  mayonnaise. 

DOB.  Are  you,  by  George!  That's  devilish  interest- 
ing. I  suppose,  now,  the  kitchen's  a  bit  hot  for  things 
that  go  off  color. 

CAB.    Yes. 

DOB.  Eggs,  for  instance,  (sits  R.  of  COOK)  I  suppose 
you  start  with  eggs  as  a  ground  plan — and  then — and 
then  you  beat  'em.  I  often  thought  I  should  like  to 
beat  eggs,  (seriously) 

CAB.  (rising)  You  can  beat  these;  at  least,  you  can 
stir  them,  if  you've  a  fancy  that  way.  I  want  to  baste 
my  two  fowls. 

DOB.     Oh!      (disappointed,  stops  stirring) 

CAB.  (she  gives  him  the  basin;  pause;  rises  and 
turns  to  porch)  Don't  leave  off  stirring  till  I  come 
back. 

DOB.  (beginning  to  stir)  Not  for  worlds.  (COOK 
turns)  But  basting  now,  basting  must  be  an  unusual 
engrossing  branch  of  the  science.  Couldn't  I  come  and 
watch  you  baste? 

CAB.  (standing  at  entrance  to  porch)  No;  go  on 
with  the  eggs  please.  That  orchid  seems  rather  in 
your  way. 

DOB.     Got  it  for  Lucy  to  wear  to-night. 

CAR.     Give  it  me. 

DOB.     Thanks!      (gives  it  to  her) 

CAB.     Tell  her  I'm  taking  care  of  it.     (going) 

DOB.     I  say,  Cook! 

CAB.     (pausing)     Yes. 

DOB.  I  want  awfully  to  have  a  chat  with  you.  (edg- 
ing to  end  of  bench) 

CAB.  You're  chatting  now.  (leans  against  post  and 
faces  DOBVASTON) 

DOB.  Can't  talk  here — people  about — and  there's  the 
basting. 

CAB.     That's  true. 

DOB.  You'll  be  all  alone  this  evening.  Don't  fancy 
I  shall  want  much  of  the  Penny  Reading — a  ha'porth 
will  be  plenty.  Thought  I'd  stroll  back — and  then,  don't 
you  understand? 

CAB.  I  think  I  understand  you,  but  I'm  doubtful  if 
you  quite  understand  me.  I've  an  idea  that  what  you 
want  to  say  wouldn't  interest  me  at  all. 

DOB.  (rises)  You're  wrong.  I  don't  mean  an  atom 
of  harm — swear  I  don't.  What  I  want  to  say  I  would 
say  before  anybody — only  I'd  rather  talk  it  over  quietly. 
May  I  come? 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          25 

CAB.     If  you  like. 

DOB.    Then  you  believe  in  me? 

CAB.  (pauses)  Yes,  I  think  I  do.  What  time  are 
you  likely  to  be  back? 

DOB.     Round  about  nine  thirty. 

CAB.  Nine  thirty!  All  right!  Don't  forget  to  stir 
the  eggs  (he  begins  eagerly)  Very  gently,  (enters  porch 
and  then  kitchen.  DOBVASTON  watches  her  off  and,  is 
looking  through  window,  still  stirring,  when  PILLENGEB 
comes  out  of  French  window) 

PIL.  Captain  Dorvaston!  Captain  Dorvaston!  Cap- 
tain Dorvaston!  (DOBVASTON  turns  to  him)  If  you  are 
at  leisure  I  should  be  glad  if (seeing  basin  and  point- 
ing to  it)  What  is  that? 

DOB.     Fancy  they  call  it  a  pudden  basin. 

PIL.    What  are  you ?  why  should  you ? 

DOB.  I'm  stirring  the  eggs  for  the  mayonnaise. 
Cook  asked  me  to. 

PIL.  Tut,  tut!  I  have  received  a  letter  from  the 
lawyers,  respecting  the  draught  copy  of  your  marriage 
settlement.  I  gave  it  to  you.  May  I  ask  you  to  fetch 
it! 

DOB.     Just  now,  sir? 

PIL.     Naturally.     Why  not? 

DOB.  Promised  I  wouldn't  leave  off  stirring.  Look 
here,  sir,  if  I  fetch  the  paper,  will  you  go  on  with  the 
eggs?  (gives  him  basin — they  both  stir — so  as  not  to 
stop) 

PIL.  Well,  rather  than  cause — er — domestic  incon- 
venience (takes  basin)  but  have  the  goodness  to  make 
haste.  The  position  is  not  without  embarrassment. 

DOB.  I'll  look  sharp,  sir.  (crosses  up  back)  Don't 
forget  to  stir  very  gently. 

PIL.  The  caution  is  quite  superfluous,  (crosses  to 
back  of  chair  B.) 

(Miss   PILLENGEB   comes   out   followed   by  LUCY;    both 
dressed  for  walking.) 

DOB.     Hulloa,  ma'am!     Going  for  a  prowl? 

Miss  P.  Fowl?  (crosses  c.) 

PIL.    Tut,  tut!      (conceals  the  basin  behind  him) 

Miss  P.  (crossing  to  him)  You  here,  Audley?  I  am 
accompanying  Lucy  to  the  village.  I  imagined  you  were 
writing  your  sermon. 

PIL.  I  have  been  delayed  by — er — unforeseen  inter- 
ruptions (  DOBVASTON  tells  LUCY  about  basin;  she 


26          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

goes  up  behind  PILLENGER  and  taps  it)  You  are  your- 
self wasting  the  freshness  of  the  morning. 

Miss  P.  I  thought  the  moment  was  opportune  for 
the  purchase  of  your  new  socks. 

PIL.     Tut,  tut! 

Miss  P.  But  you  have  given  me  no  instructions  as 
to  pattern  or  texture. 

PIL.  Both  are  indifferent  to  me.  I  rely  on  your  taste 
and  judgment. 

Miss  P.  I  will  go  then,  (she  moves  L.;  DORVASTON 
opens  gate  and  stands  talking  to  her;  LUCY  laughs) 

PIL.    What  is  amusing  you,  Lucy? 

LUCY.     I  was  laughing  because 

PEL.     I  have  no  wish  to  hear.      I  object  to  frivolity. 

LUCY.  Do  you,  uncle?  (crosses  L.)  Wait  for  me, 
Auntie,  (turns  to  DORVASTON)  Jack,  where's  my  orchid? 

DOR.    Cook  is  taking  care  of  it. 

LUCY,  (looking  at  PILLENGER)  What  a  treasure 
Cook  is.  (looking  at  DORVASTON)  I  wonder  what  any 
of  us  would  do  without  her?  (exit.  The  two  men  face 
each  other  for  a  second) 

DOR.  (laughs)  Sorry  I  let  you  in,  sir,  (coming  c.) 
but  Lucy  won't  say  anything.  I'll  be  back  directly — 
and,  I  say,  you  won't  forget  to  stir  very  gently?  (exit 
off) 

PIL.  (angrily)  No,  I  won't!  No,  I  won't!  No,  I 
won't  (crosses;  sits  R.  of  table,  stirs  violently  for  a 
moment,  then  remembers  and  slows  down;  COOK  comes 
out) 

CAR.  Captain  Dorvaston!  (sees  PILLENGER)  Is  Cap- 
tain Dorvaston (he  turns  round)  Oh,  you've  got 

it!  (comes  to  top  of  table) 

PIL.  The  basin?  Yes.  I  was  compelled  to  interrupt 
Captain  Dorvaston,  so  I  was  endeavoring  to  supply  his 
place;  I  fear  with  poor  results,  (puts  paper' on  seat) 

CAR.  Let  me  look?  (takes  basin,  crosses  a  little  c.) 
Thanks,  (she  looks  at  it)  Oh,  no — it's  all  right. 

PIL.  I  am  relieved  to  hear  it.  Still,  it  probably  needs 
the — er — hum — the  final  touch  of  the  artist,  (she  turns 
to  go)  You  don't  care  for — er — compliments? 

CAR.     (looking  round)     No!    (coming  c.) 

PIL.    Rather  an  unkind  restriction. 

CAR.  A  bird  of  some  experience  is  apt  to  change  its 
first  opinion  of  bird-lime. 

PIL.  Yes,  very  true.  But  compliments  that  are  the 
expression  of  honest  and — er — respectful  appreciation — 
what  of  them? 

CAB.    I   don't  know.    I've   never   met  that   kind   of 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.  27 

compliment.  If  you'll  excuse  me,  I'll  go  back  to  the 
fowls,  (going  up) 

PIL.  (he  follows  her  between  tree  and  table  to  porch) 
I  have  no  right  to  detain  you  from  more  congenial  so- 
ciety, (door  bell  heard)  But  I  have  something  I  partic- 
ularly wish  to  say  to  you.  (she  looks  at  him)  Some- 
thing I  wish  to  explain. 

CAR.     Certainly!     What   is   it? 

PIL.  My  explanation  might — in  fact,  would  occupy 
some  time,  (door  bell  heard  more  violently)  The  pres- 
ent moment  is  obviously  ill-chosen  for  the  purpose. 
You  will  be  the  sole  occupant  of  the  house  this  evening. 

CAB.     Shall  I? 

PIL.  Everybody — Keziah  included — is  going  to  the 
Penny  Reading — even  Gandy  has  asked  permission  to 
visit  his  aged  mother. 

CAR.     Has  he  an  aged  mother?     I  didn't  know. 

PIL.  He  "doesn't  lay  much  stress  on  her — she  suffers 
from  spasms,  and  is  a  Nonconformist. 

CAB.     Well? 

PIL.  I  thought  if  I  came  back  early  from  the  Parish 
room,  I  could  explain  what  I — er — wish  to  explain. 
(very  violent  ring  at  bell  without  interruption) 

CAB.  You  would  discuss  this  all-important  matter 
in  the  kitchen? 

PIL.     If  you — er — see  no  objection. 

CAB.  It's  your  kitchen,  and  your  responsibility;  but 
if  I  were  you  I  wouldn't  explain. 

PIL.     Do  you  prohibit  me  from  doing  so? 

CAR.  No,  come  if  you  like.  What  time  am  I  to  ex- 
pect you? 

PIL.  About  nine  o'clock.  It's  a  quiet  hour,  and  us- 
ually free  from  callers. 

CAR.  We'll  hope  it  will  prove  so.  Very  well — till 
nine  o'clock  then,  (she  goes  into  kitchen — he  crosses 
up  to  French  window  at  COOK'S  exit,  still  looking  after 
her,  buried  in  thought.  CRAYLL  comes  through  gate- 
way, stands  at  steps,  sees  PILLENGER  and  speaks) 

CRAY.  Mornin'!  (PILLENGER  does  not  hear,  so  CRAYLL 
prods  him  in  back  with  stick)  Mornin'. 

PIL.     Eh!     Oh,  good  morning!    (comes  c.) 

CRAY.    What  time's  the  funeral? 

PILL.    Funeral? 

CRAY.  Ain't  anybody  dead?  I  rang  your  beastly 
front  door  bell  till  my  arm  ached;  so  I  turned  it  up 
and  came  round  to  the  back. 

PIL.    My    butler — er — my    male    servant — is    rather 


28          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

remiss.  But  to  the  best  of  my  knowledge,  he  is  still 
alive. 

CRAY.     Damn  sorry  for  it. 

PIL.     Tut,  tut! 

CRAY.    What's  the  matter? 

Pit,.  I  cannot  countenance  such  language.  My  sacred 
calling 

CRAY,  (looking  at  him  more  attentively)  Oh,  I  see! 
Didn't  know  you  were  a  magpie.  Come  to  think  of  it, 
s'pose  I  passed  your  place  of  business  a  little  way  up 
the  road,  (pointing  up  L.) 

PIL.     Er — hum — yes. 

CRAY.  Oh,  well  then,  I  take  back  the  damn.  After 
all,  it  don't  do  to  open  one's  front  door  too  quick.  S'pose 
you  thought  I  was  the  Water  Rate,  (puts  foot  on  chair, 
pulls  out  handkerchief,  and  dusts  boot) 

PIL.     No,  sir. 

CBAY.     Gas? 

PIL.     Certainly  not. 

CRAY.  Then  what  the  devil  did  you  think?  (dusts 
other  boot) 

PIL.  I  had  no  theory  on  the  subject;  and  as  to  your 
language — I  really  must  beg 

CRAY.  Beg?  Yes,  that's  your  trade.  Same  time  I'll 
take  back  the  devil.  We  don't  often  part  company. 
Talking  of  the  devil,  did  you  ever  have  D.T.? 

PIL.  D.T.?  D.T.?  If  you  refer  to  the  "  Daily  Tele- 
graph," I  usually  read  the  "  Standard." 

CRAY.     No,   no!     D.T.     Jim-jams! 

PIL.     Jim-jams? 

CRAY.     Delirium  tremens — ever  had  'em? 

PIL.     Eh?    What?    Never,   sir,   never! 

CRAY.  Lucky  beast!  Well,  when  you  do  have  'em, 
you'll  know  'em  again.  I've  had  'em  twice. 

PIL.    Really! 

CRAY.  The  last  bout  was  a  blazer.  A  man  generally 
sees  snakes,  or  rats,  or  spiders.  It  was  spiders  with 
me.  (makes  movement  of  spider  on  PILLENGER'S  chest) 

PIL.    Was  it  indeed? 

CRAY.  Yes — fat  brutes  with  as  many  legs  to  'em  as 
an  Empire  ballet — all  over  the  walls  by  day — all  over 
the  bed  at  night.  If  you  lit  a  candle  you  saw  'em — if 
you  didn't  you  felt  'em.  Pah!  filthy  devils!  (sits  ex- 
hausted) Could  I  have  a  whiskey  and  soda? 

PIL.     You  haven't  mentioned  the  object  of  your  visit. 

CRAY.  Man  named  Dorvaston  hangs  out  here,  don't 
he? 

PIL.    Captain  Dorvaston  is  my  guest  at  present. 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          39 

CBAY.  Thought  so.  Promised  to  look  him  up. 
We're  goin'  to  price  a  horse — a  nailer — risin'  thirteen 
— and  well  up  to  Dorvaston's  weight — which  is  sayin' 
somethin'. 

PIL.     Captain   Dorvaston's   physique  is   substantial. 

CBAY.  If  he  stood  on  your  foot,  I  expect  you'd  ask 
him  to  move. 

PIL.     Probably! 

CRAY.  He's  goin'  to  be  somethin'  to  you  by  marriage, 
ain't  he? 

PIL.     He  is  affianced  to  my  niece. 

CBAY.     Hope  he'll  like  it.     (takes  cigar  out  of  case) 

PIL.     Why  should  he  not,  sir? 

CRAY.  I  daresay  you  stick  up  for  marriage — double 
blessedness  and  all  that  kind  of  muck,  (biting  end  of 
cigar) 

PIL.  I  regard  the  married  state  as  best  calculated 
to  confer  the  greatest  happiness  that — er — the 

CRAY.  Have  you  ever  bin  married?  (looking  up  at 
him) 

PIL.     No. 

CRAY,  (lights  cigar)  I  thought  not.  You  beggars 
are  always  jawin'  about  what  you  don't  understand. 
You've  never  had  D.T.,  but  that  wouldn't  stop  you  preach- 
ing about  drink.  You've  never  bin  married,  and  yet 
you  get  up  in  the  pulpit  and  talk  about  Hell  as  if  you 
knew  the  country. 

PIL.     May  I  ask,  Mr. — er 

CRAY.     Crayll. 

PIL.     May  I  enquire,  Mr.  Crayll,  if  you  are  married? 

CRAY,     (blows  out  light  and  smiles)     Not  at  present. 

(DORVASTON  comes  out.) 

PIL.     Ah!     Here   is  Captain   Dorvaston. 

DOB.  (coming  to  PILLENGER  c.)  There's  the  paper 
you  wanted,  sir.  It  took  a  bit  of  finding.  Keziah 
cleaned  my  room  out  yesterday,  (gives  it  to  him) 
Hulloa,  Crayll!  (slaps  him  on  back  and  crosses  L.) 

CRAY.     Hulloa!      (rises) 

PIL.  (to  DORVASTON)  Now  you  have  come,  I  will 
ask  Mr.  Crayll  to  excuse  me. 

CRAY.  Don't  name  it.  (crosses  to  L.)  Dorvaston 
will  see  to  me.  I  daresay  he  knows  where  the 
whiskey's  kept.  (DORVASTON  laughs  and  goes  up  a 
step  or  two  with  PILLENGER) 

PIL.  (aside)  Surely  a  most  offensive  person,  (crosses 
up) 


30          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

DOB.  He's  all  right,  sir.  He  takes  a  bit  of  knowing. 
(PILLENGEB  goes  into  the  house) 

CRAY.  Now,  for  the  Lord's  sake  get  me  a  drop  of 
whiskey  to  wash  the  parson  out  of  my  mouth. 

DOR.     (c.)     Whiskey   it   is!     Take  potash  with   it? 

CBAY.     A  little   potash,      (crosses  R.) 

DOB.    Right-O!     Have  a  look  at  "  Sporting  Life  "  ? 

CRAY.    What  d'ye  fancy  for  the  Leger? 

DOR.  Centipede!  It's  a  dead  snip.  You  should 
have  a  bit  on  it. 

CRAY.  No,  thank  ye.  Don't  like  the  name — it's  too 
spidery.  (DORV ASTON  goes  up  to  kitchen  window  un- 
seen by  CBAYLU  CRAYLL  crosses  behind  chair,  gets 
"  Sporting  Life,"comes  round  L.  of  table,  puts  hat  on 
ground,  stick  behind  him,  and  starts  to  read  paper) 

DOR.     Cook!     Cook!      (at  window  COOK  appears) 

CAR.    Yes? 

DOR.  Fact  is,  friend  of  mine  has  just  turned  up,  and 
he's  unusual  thirsty.  Would  you  bring  him  out  a 
whiskey  and  potash? 

CAB.    Certainly. 

DOR.    Very   kind   of   you— extr'ordinary   kind. 

CAB.  Not  at  all.  (she  disappears  from  window. 
DORVASTON  goes  back  to  CRAYLL) 

DOR.  Look  here,  I'll  run  up  and  put  another  coat  on, 
and  then  we'll  start. 

CRAY.     How  about  the  whiskey? 

DOB.  It'll  be  here  directly,  (exits  through  French 
window) 

CRAY.  Thank  ye.  (he  resumes  the  newspaper; 
COOK  comes  to  table  R.  with  small  tray  containing  whis- 
key, etc.;  she  brings  it  down  to  small  table,  and  speaks 
before  putting  the  tray  down) 

CAR.    Whiskey  and  potash! 

CRAY.  All  right!  (he  puts  down  cigar  on  tray  and 
turns  slowly,  the  paper  falls.  They  face  each  other  in 
mutual  astonishment) 

CRAY.  Goodness  a'mighty!  (slight  pause)  Is  that 
you?  (she  is  silent)  Is  that  you?  (speaking  louder) 

CAR.     Yes — what  then? 

CRAY.  Phew!  (wipes  his  forehead)  When  I  saw 
you  standin'  there,  dressed  like  that,  I  thought  I'd  got 
'em  again.  Damned  if  I  didn't. 

CAB.    Why? 

CBAY.  Why,  who'd  expect  to  see  Lady  Huntworth 
masqueradin'  as  a  cook. 

CAB.     I'm  not  Lady   Huntworth   any   longer.     Surely 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          31 

Lord  Huntworth  is  the  last  person  who  should  need  the 
reminder. 

CBAY.  I'm  not  Lord  Huntworth  down  here.  My 
name's  Crayll  for  the  present. 

CAR.     Really? 

CRAY.     I'm  keepin'  out  of  the  way — for — reasons. 

CAB.  The  local  police  don't  strike  me  as  being  very 
shrewd. 

CKAY.  Police!  What  d'you  mean?  It's  duns  I'm 
hidin'  from. 

CAR.     Duns! 

CRAY.     It's  debt — it  ain't  crime. 

CAB.  Ah!  not  yet.  Well,  good-day,  Mr.  Crayll.  I 
must  go  back  to  my  cooking,  (crosses  up) 

CBAY.  Here,  hold  on.  Damn  it,  don't  be  in  such  a 
hurry,  (crosses  down  c.)  I  want  to  talk  to  you. 

CAB.     I  have  to  baste  the  fowls. 

CRAY.  Curse  the  beastly  fowls.  I  must  see  you  alone 
for  half-an-hour,  d'you  hear? 

CAR.     I  hear'. 

CBAY.  It's  infernal  important.  Will  you  meet  me 
to-night-? 

CAR.     No. 

CRAY.    Why  not?    What  are  you  afraid  of? 

CAB.     I'm  not  afraid  of  you.     I  think  you  know  that. 

CRAY.  That  long  fool  will  be  back  in  a  minute. 
You'll  see  me  somehow  to-night,  because — you've 
damned  well  got  to — d'you  understand? 

CAR.  I  haven't  the  smallest  notion  why  you  want  to 
see  me,  but  since  fate  has  played  me  a  final  dirty  trick 
by  throwing  us  together  again,  perhaps  we  had  better 
understand  each  other.  So  you  can  come  here  this 
evening  for  half-an-hour.  I  shall  be  alone.  You  had 
better  tap  at  the  window. 

CRAY.     That'll   do — I'll   come. 

CAB.    What  time  shall  I  have  the  honor? 

CRAY.     I'll  get  here  about  nine. 

CAB.  (smiling)  Nine!  You  must  make  it  earlier 
than  that.  I  expect  I  shall  be  rather  busy  about  nine. 

CBAY.     Eight-thirty  then. 

CAR.  Yes,  that  would  suit  me.  (crosses  to  porch  and 
then  stops) 

CBAY.  (turns  and  sees  she  is  in  hesitation)  Is  there 
anything  else? 

CAB.  (crosses  down  c.  to  him)  As  you  seem  to 
want  to  talk  about  something  important  you  might 
break  through  a  rule  for  once — and  turn  up  in  a  pos- 
sible condition. 


32          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

CRAY.     Not  come  drunk — is  that  what  you  mean? 

CAB.  No,  I  don't  want  to  be  unreasonable.  At  that 
time  in  the  evening  you  are  certain  to  be  drunk, — but 
try  not  to  be  too  drunk  to  be  coherent.  I'll  expect  you 
at  eight-thirty,  (she  goes  up  stage,  stands  at  kitchen 
window,  after  she  has  gone  CRAYLL  picks  up  cigar  from 
tray  and  draws  at  it,  finding  it  out  he  throws  it  down 
violently  and  swears.  He  then  pours  out  whiskey  and 
drinks.  DORVASTON  comes  out  dressed  for  walking) 

DOR.    Ready,    old    chap?     (CRAYLL    half    chokes) 

CRAY.     In  half-a-minute.     (drinks  more  whiskey) 

DOR.  (speaking  across  to  COOK)  Ah!  Cook!  friend 
and  I  are  going  for  a  stroll. 

CAB.     It's  a  pleasant  day  for  walking. 

DOR.  How  is  our  mayonnaise  coming  on?  (CRAYLL 
looks  up  on  hearing  this) 

CAB.    Very  well,  I  think. 

DOB.  That's  all  right!  (to  CRAYLL,  who  has  been 
listening  vacantly)  Shall  we  get  along? 

CRAY.  Yes.  (DORY  ASTON  goes  out  at  the  gate;  CRAYLL 
puts  hat  on,  takes  stick,  rises,  crosses  L.  c.,  and  looks 
back.  As  he  does  so,  COOK  turns  and  looks  at  him) 
Goodness  A'mighty.  (he  then  goes  out  at  gate) 

(After  he  has  gone  COOK  comes  down  to  the  rustic  table 
and  takes  up  "  Standard.") 

CAB.  (reads)  "Will  Lady  Huntworth  communicate 
with  Brampton  and  Stokes,.  Capel-Court,  on  a  matter  of 
considerable  importance?"  (she  stands  in  thought  for 
a  moment,  then  turns  and  goes  up,  reading  the  paper 
as  she  goes) 

CURTATE. 


ACT  II. 

SCEXE. — The  Vicarage  kitchen,  according  to  plan. 
Ti  ME. — Evening. 

(As  curtain  rises  COOK  takes  salmon  to  larder  R.  u.  E. 
and  returns  to  table  down  L.  with  fruit  salad;  GAXDY 
enters  with  butler's  tray;  crosses  to  R.  of  table; 
KEZIAH  enters  and  takes  ham  to  larder  and  returns 
to  dresser.) 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          33 

GAN.     Sweets,  Cook! 

CAB.  Quite  ready!  (clearing  tray  of  chicken  dish 
and  plates)  They  seem  to  have  taken  very  kindly  to 
the  stuffed  fowls. 

GAN.  Oh,  horful!  There's  'ardly  a  gizzard  left  for 
hus  to  make  a  supper  of.  Dorvaston's  the  worst. 

KEZ.  (at  dresser)  Oh,  and  master  too.  (takes 
plates)  I  thought  he'd  'ave  bust  'imself — I  did  reelly. 
(crosses  to  top  of  GANDY,  places  plates  on  butler's  tray) 

GAN.  They  told  me  to  look  sharp.  It's  wonderful 
they  don't  want  a  rest.  (CAROLINE  holds  up  dish  of 
fruit  salad;. GANDY  takes  dish  in  both  hands  admiringly; 
then  lets  COOK  put  it  on  tray)  So  that's  it,  Cook?  It 
looks  lovely. 

CAB.     Glad  you  like  it. 

GAN.  (takes  up  tray)  It  'aint  no  good  me  likin'  it, 
I  shan't  get  none — they'll  see  to  that.  (moves  to  R., 
KEZIAH  moves  to  follow  him)  Keziah,  don't  you  come. 
You'll  never  wait  at  table — your  mind  can't  rise  above 
'anding  bread  wfcen  nobody  wants  it.  (she  returns  to 
top  of  table;  he  carries  tray  to  door  R.,  then  pauses) 
It  do  look  lovely.  Let's  pray  to  'eaven  they  don't  eat 
it  all.  (he  goes  out;  COOK  crosses  to  larder  with  chicken 
and  back  round  top  down  to  L.) 

KEZ.  (a*  top  of  table  clearing)  Gandy's  a  bit  narked 
to-night,  (rubs  knives  with  a  piece  of  rag)  When 
there's  a  bit  of  anythink  extra  for  supper,  'e  does  grodge 
it  to  'em,  don't  'e?  Now  with  me  it's,  as  you  may  say, 
different.  If  any  trifle  takes  me  fancy — such  as  a  breast 
of  chicken — or  what  not — while  it's  bein'  carved  I  sim- 
ply turn  me  'ead  away. 

CAR.  (L.  of  table  arranging  plates)  Take  these  plates 
into  the  scullery. 

KEZ.  Yus,  Cook.  Not  as  it  always  answers.  (COOK 
crosses  to  larder  with  salad  dish)  I  wes  'anding  that 
sauce  stuff — I  forgot  what  you  call  it,  Cook 

CAR.  Mayonnaise,  (at  larder;  crosses  back  to  L.  of 
table  and  begins  to  put  radishes  in  bowl  into  glass  dish) 

KEZ.  Yus,  Cook,  that  was  it — in  a  butter  boat.  Well, 
I  was  'anding  it  to  old  Madam  as  the  Captain  cut  him- 
self off — oh,  such  a  slice  of  'am — I  dote  on  'am,  I  do, 
reelly.  Well,  I  had  to  shet  me  eyes,  and  just  then 
Gandy  hustled  me  with  'is  elbow,  and  me  wrist  turned, 
as  you  may  say,  sudden  like,  and  I  upset  the  myanneasy 
on  to  milady's  gown.  She  did  talk  to  me  a  treat,  (takes 
fish  plates  to  scullery;  GANDY  enters  hastily,  stands  c.) 

GAN.  Now  then,  Keziah,  one  claret  glass  short. 
That's  your  silly  fault.  (KEZIAH  crosses  to  dresser,  gets 

3 


34          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

glass  and  hands  it  to  GANDY  B.;  then  returns  to  dresser 
for  plates) 

CAR.     Do  they  seem  to  fancy  the  fruit  salad? 

GAN.  Fancy  it!  Dorvaston  and  the  governor  are 
both  in  their  second  'elpings.  It's  'ideous  to  see  'em — 
'ideaous! 

KEZ.  (at  dresser)  I  shall  be  awful  late  with  me 
washin'  up.  (crosses  to  window  with  plates)  I  shall 
miss  a  good  'alf  of  it. 

CAB.  (crosses  to  larder  for  cheese)  I'll  wash  the 
glass  and  silver  for  you. 

KEZ.  (crosses  to  top  of  table  and  takes  chicken  plates 
to  scullery,  leaving  four  forks  on  table)  That's  won- 
derful good  of  you,  Cook;  it  is  reelly.  D'you  know  I'm 
in  two  minds  which  'at  to  wear. 

CAB.  Are  you?  (crosses  from  larder  to  table  B.  with 
cheese,  places  it  at  top  of  table) 

KEZ.  (fingering  top  of  chair  i,.)  The  straw's  tasty; 
but  the  large  'at  with  the  flowers  is  more  dressy  like. 

CAB.  I  wouldn't  wear  the  large  one  with  the  flowers. 
(returning  to  larder  for  butter) 

KEZ.    Wouldn't  you  now? 

CAB.  (stops  on  her  way  to  larder  c.)  It  might  have 
been  made  in  the  Old  Kent  Road. 

KEZ.     Might  it,  now?     Is  that  in  London?     (sits  L.) 

CAB.  Yes.  (crosses  to  B.  of  table  with  butter,  and 
stands  at  the  head) 

KEZ.  At  the  shop  where  I  bought  it,  they  told  me  as 
it  was  copied  from  a  London  pattern,  so  I  dessay  you're 
right,  Cook.  Well,  I  could  wear  the  straw,  but — (GANDY 
enters  with  tray — KEZIAH  rises,  crosses  to  window  ledge 
for  cheese  plates) 

GAN.  (speaking  sadly)  Now  then,  cheese — cheese. 
(CooK  is  at  top  of  table  clearing  butler's  tray) 

CAB.     I  see  they've  finished  the  fruit  salad. 

GAN.  Finished  it!  Of  course  they've  finished  it. 
It's  'eartbreakin'.  Put  the  dish  away,  and  let  me  try 
to  forget  it. 

KEZ.  (comes  down  to  table  L.)  'As  the  Governor 
still  bin  goin'  it?  (putting  cheese  plates  on  butler's 
tray;  COOK  places  cheese  and  butter  on  butler's  tray) 

GAN.  I  should  think  'e  'ad.  Ah!  and  it  will  pay  'im 
out.  This  night  s  work'll  lie  'eavy  on  'im.  I  know  'is 
constitooshon.  Ready,  Cook!  A  bit  of  that  cheddar  all 
round  ought  to  just  settle  'em.  (COOK  takes  fruit  dish 
to  larder,  KEZIAH  crosses  to  top  of  table,  and  puts  rad- 
ishes on  butler's  tray.  GANDY  hurries  out.) 

KEZ.    As  I  was  sayin',  Cook,  (calls)  as  I  was  sayin' 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          35 

I  could  wear  the  straw,  only  I'm  wishful  to  look  me 
best,  cos  the  young  gentleman  as  I'm  walkin'  out  with 
at  present'll  be  there. 

CAR.  Oh!  (crosses  to  B.  of  table,  takes  cloth  out  of 
drawer,  and  back  to  c.) 

KEZ.  We  shan't  be  able  to  sit  together,  cos  of  old 
Madam — "  I  don't  allow  no  followers,"  she  said  when  I 
come  after  the  place — "  I  don't  allow  no  followers " — 
You  know  'er  sniffy  way?  (KEZIAH  takes  plates  to  scul- 
lery, leaving  spoons  on  table) 

CAB.  (puts  cloth  on  table,  crosses  to  mantel  and  gets 
matches  off-  bracket)  What  does  your  young  gentleman 
do  when  he  isn't  following? 

KEZ.  Didn't  I  tell  you?  (comes  back  to  table)  'E's 
at  Bilkins,  (sits  on  table  B.)  the  pork  butchers.  You 
remember  that  pound  of  sausages  that  came  from  me 
aunt  at  Cambridge?  (COOK  nods)  That  was  'im — 'e 
began  with  sausages — (COOK  lights  gas  over  stove  L.) 
next  comes  along  a  photograph  frame,  last  week  pig's 
feet  and  a  shell  pin-cushion.  'E's  free  'anded,  as  you 
may  say. 

CAB.     He  must  be.     (crosses  to  R.) 

KEZ.  Won't  you  be  feelin'  lonesome  (COOK  lights  gas 
B.  and  leaves  match-box  on  dresser)  this  evenin'?  All 
of  us  out — and  Gandy  goin'  to  see  'is  mother.  She  lives 
two  stations  down  the  line  and  used  to  take  in  washin', 

CAB.     No,  I  don't  fancy  I  shall  feel  lonesome. 

KEZ.  I'll  (jumps  off  table,  comes  round  and  sits  on 
chair  B.  and  gets  book  out  of  drawer)  lend  you  my 
girl's  "  Special  Monthly  Journal."  There's  a  most  inter- 
estin'  tale  in  this  number.  It's  in  'ere.  There's  an  'url 
and  'e  goes  ridin'  through  a  wood  and  'e's  all  dressed 
up  in  armour,  you  know — just  like  the  dish  covers. 
(COOK  crosses  to  window,  gets  knife  basket  and  comes 
down  to  top  of  table)  I  say,  Cook,  when  you  lived  in 
London  did  you  ever  see  any  'urls? 

CAB.     One  or  two. 

KEZ.     And  do  they  dress  themselves  up  like  that? 

CAB.  Not  as  a  rule,  (cleaning  spoons  and  putting 
them  in  basket) 

KEZ.  My  word,  I  wish  I'd  bin  born  a  toff!  They 
must  find  life  come  easy. 

CAB.  (at  top  of  table)  Not  always.  Trouble  is  like 
a  postman — sooner  or  later  he  knocks  at  every  door. 

KEZ.  Why,  they  can  eat  and  drink  just  what  they 
like. 

CAB.  No.  After  a  time  their  doctors  have  a  word 
to  say. 


36          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

KEZ.     And  they  can  wear  just  what  suits  'em. 

CAR.  They  wear  whatever  their  dressmakers  and  tail- 
ors tell  them  to  wear — whether  it  suits  them  or  not.  It 
generally  doesn't. 

KEZ.  Any'ow  they  don't  'ave  to  pay  for  their  break- 
ages. 

CAB.  In  the  long  run  they  pay  just  as  heavily 
for  their  breakages  as  you  do  for  yours.  (crosses 
and  replaces  basket  on  window  ledge  and  comes 
down  L.) 

KEZ.  My  word!  Think  of  that  now!  (GANDY  enters 
and  puts  down  tray  on  table;  KEZIAH  jumps  up  and 
crosses  to  head  of  table) 

GAN.  That's  over,  (sits)  I'm  fair  sick  of  it.  The 
governor  is  rushin'  on  to  'is  fate.  (COOK  takes  off  the 
bread,  cheese  and  glasses  and  puts  them  on  lower  end 
of  table;  KEZIAH  takes  up  cheese  plates,  knives,  butter 
and  radish  dish,  leaving  the  syphon,  decanter  of  whis- 
key and  one  glass  till  the  last)  Took  radishes  with 
'is  cheese.  (KEZIAH  looks  horrified)  Keziah,  I  have 
brought  out  the  Captain's  whiskey  and  syphon — I  shan't 
be  'ere  to-night,  so  you  must  take  'em  up  to  'is  room 
the  last  thing,  d'ye  'ear? 

KEZ.  I  'ear.  (she  takes  whiskey,  soda,  and  glass  to 
window  ledge) 

GAN.  I've  done  most  of  the  clearin'  away.  (CooK 
takes  cheese  to  larder) 

CAB.  (to  KEZIAH)  Bring  me  the  bowl,  Keziah,  and 
then  you  can  put  your  things  on.  (KEZIAH  crosses  to 
table,  takes  butler's  tray  and  places  it  against  wall 
above  meat  jack,,  then  goes  to  scullery  for  bowl.  To 
GANDY,  coming  out  of  larder  and  crossing  L.)  Will  you 
have  your  supper  now?  (KEZIAH  brings  hot  water  to 
top  of  table;  then  takes  glass  radish  dish  and  butter 
dish  into  larder) 

GAN.  No,  thank'ee.  They've  put  me  off  it.  I  shall 
try  to  pick  a  bit  by  and  bye  when  I  get  to  mother's. 

CAB.  (to  GANDY)  Is  your  mother  a  good  cook?  (L. 
of  table) 

GAN.  No,  she  ain't;  far  from  it!  'Er  jints  are  flabby, 
and  'er  pie  crust  is  h'ashfelt. 

KEZ.  (coming  out  of  larder)  Is  there  anything 
more,  Cook,  as  I  can  do? 

CAR.     No,  thanks.     (COOK  takes  plates  into  scullery) 

KEZ.     Good  night,  Gandy.     (crosses  to  door  R.) 

GAN.  Not  so  much  Gandy!  Mr.  Gandy  would  do  you 
more  credit,  and  might  lead  to  a  cap  ribbon  at  Christ- 
mas. (CooK  comes  out  of  scullery,  takes  large  radish 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          3? 

bowl  and  re-enters  scullery)  It's  'ard  on  a  respectable 
man  to  mix  with  such  riff-raff. 

KEZ.  Riff-raff  your  own  self.  Why,  for  two  pins — 
I'd 

CAB.     Keziah!      (at  scullery  door,  crosses  L.  again) 

KEZ.     (meekly)     Yus,  Cook!      (c.) 

CAB.     Go  and  dress. 

KEZ.  Yus,  Cook;  I'm  sorry  as  I  spoke  hasty  before 
you. 

CAR.     Very  well,  go  along;   you'll  be  late. 

KEZ.  Yus,  Cook,  (she  goes  quietly  to  door  R.,  then 
turns  and  speaks  very  respectfully)  Good-night,  Mr. 
Gandy.  (she  then  goes  out) 

GAN.  (COOK  takes  bread  to  larder  top  way  and  re- 
turns round  top  L.)  That's  the  worst  of  domestic  ser- 
vice— one  'as  to  put  up  with  the  cheek  of  h'underlings. 
It  a'int  a  fit  life  for  such  as  h'us — we're  a  good  many 
cuts  above  it.  (he  rises)  Well,  Cook,  I  shall  'ave  to 
change  my  coat,  so  if  you  will  excuse  me 

CAR.     Certainly!      (washing  glasses) 

GAN.  But  before  I  go  to-night,  I  should  life  'alf  a 
word  with  you  about  a  little  matter  which  'as  bin 
fioatin'  on  the  top  of  my  mind  for  this  month  past. 

CAR.     Won't   it   keep? 

GAN.  No,  it  won't — not  if  you  was  to  put  it  in  the 
refrigerator. 

CAR.     People  change  their  minds  sometimes. 

GAN.     I  shan't  change  my  mind. 

CAB.  Well,  change  your  coat,  or  you'll  miss  your 
train,  (he  moves  towards  the  door,  as  he  does  so  LUCY 
enters  dressed  for  the  evening,  but  with  cloak  on) 

LUCY.  Cook!  I've  come  for  my  orchid,  (crosses  to 
c.) 

CAB.  I'll  fetch  it.  (crosses  to  window;  LUCY  crosses 
to  chair  s.  of  table) 

LUCY.  Gandy,  I  thought  you  were  going  to  see  your 
mother  to-night. 

GAN.  So  I  h'am,  miss — I  am  just  h'off.  (goes  out 
B.) 

CAB.     Here  it  is.     (crosses  down  B.  of  LUCY) 

LUCY.     Thanks! 

CAR.     Shall  I  pin  it  in? 

LUCY.     Thanks!     (COOK  arranges  the  flower) 

CAR.     What  time  to-morrow  do  you  take  the  plunge? 

LUCY.  Oh,  quite  early  in  the  morning,  before  any- 
body is  up.  Mr.  Thorsby  will  fetch  me. 

CAR.     I  see. 

LUCY.     Why  did  you  want  to  know? 


38          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

CAB.  So  that  I  should  think  of  you  and  wish  you 
luck. 

LUCY.  I  don't  see  what  reason  you  have  to  wish  me 
luck. 

CAB.  You're  a  nice  child — and  I  was  always  fond  of 
children. 


(DOBVASTON  comes  in — he  is  in  evening  dress  with  light 
overcoat  and  carries  a  small  music-case — he  doesn't 
see  LUCY  at  first.) 

•Dos.  I  say,  Cook,  I— ah!  (CooK  backs  and  he  sees 
LUCY)  I — hulloa,  Lucy! 

LUCY.  Well,  Jack,  what  do  you  want?  (CooK  retires 
round  top  of  table  down  L.  and  resumes  her  glass-wash- 
ing) 

DOB.  I — ah — I — wanted — to — er —  (seeing  orchid) 
Of  course,  I  came  to  fetch  your  orchid. 

LUCY.  You  needn't  have  troubled,  (looks  at  COOK) 
I  fetched  it  myself. 

DOB.     Didn't  know,  don't  you  know! 

LUCY.     Have  you  got  my  music? 

DOB.     Got  it  here,     (showing  music-case) 

LUCY.     That's  right.     Is  Auntie  ready? 

DOB.    Fancy  she's  waiting  in  the  hall,     (crosses  to  B.) 

LUCY.  Oh!  then  I  must  go.  (crosses  to  B.)  Good- 
night, Cook.  Thanks  for  taking  care  of  the  flower. 

CAB.     Not  at  all!     Good-night! 

LUCY,     (turning  at  door)     Are  you  coming,  Jack? 

DOB.  In  a  second.  Thought  perhaps  Cook  would 
give  me  a  light,  (takes  out  cigar  case) 

LUCY.  Very  well,  we'll  go  on.  You  can  catch  us  up. 
You  needn't  hurry,  (she  goes  out  door  B.) 

DOB.     (holding  cigar)     May  I? 

CAB.  There's  a  box  of  matches  on  the  dresser.  (DOB- 
VASTON crosses  to  dresser  for  matches,  lights  his  cigar. 
She  washes  glass  and  silver) 

DOB.  (crosses  to  top  of  table)  This  is  a  devilish 
snug  kitchen.  D'you  know,  I'd  much  rather  stop  here 
— and  watch  you  doing — whatever  you  are  doing — what 
are  you  doing? 

CAB.     Washing   up.      (washing   glasses) 

DOB.  Are  you,  by  George?  Washing  up,  now.  How 
is  that  generally  done?  (at  top  of  table) 

CAB.    With  water  and  a  tea-cloth. 

DOB.  It  must  be  an  awful  fag.  When  it  comes  to 
work,  seems  to  me  you  women  beat  us  hollow. 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          39 

CAR.  You  have  your  drill — and  parade — and  fighting, 
too,  in  these  days. 

DOR.     Fighting  ain't  work — it's  fun. 

CAB.  Each  to  his  trade!  I  prefer  cooking  and  wash- 
ing up.  (they  both  laugh)  Oughtn't  you  to  go? 

DOE.  Yes,  I'll  get  along.  I  say,  you  haven't  forgot- 
ten— nine-thirty? 

CAB.     No,  but  I  was  hoping  you  had. 

DOB.  Upon  my  soul,  what  I  want  to  say  won't  take 
ten  minutes.  Hulloa!  cigar's  out.  I'll  just  light  up 
again,  you  don't  mind?  (he  goes  to  dresser  for  matches. 

PlLLENGEB    looks    in   at   Window) 

PIL.     Cook! 

CAB.    Yes! 

PIL.  I  just  wished  to  say  one  word,  (he  comes  in 
at  the  back  door)  I  wish  (closes  door,  takes  off  hat, 
and  sees  DOKVASTON,  who  has  turned  at  the  moment) 
Tut! — dear  me! 

DOR.     Hulloa,  sir! 

PIL.  I  imagined  you  had  accompanied  my  sister  and 
Lucy.  They  have  started. 

DOR.     Came  in  here  to  fetch  the  orchid! 

PIL.     What  orchid? 

DOR.  The  orchid — and  I  hadn't  a  match — and  Lucy 
had  got  it  already,  don't  you  see — so  Cook  gave  me 
one — and — that's  how  it  was,  don't  you  know. 

PIL.     Cook  gave  you  an  orchid? 

DOR.     No,  a  light. 

PIL.  Then  why  allude  to  an  orchid?  However,  it  is 
quite  immaterial. 

CAB.  You  said  you  wished  to  speak  to  me,  Mr.  Pil- 
lenger! 

PIL.  (coming  a  little  to  her)  I  desired  to  express 
my  approval — my  warm  approval — of  the  excellent  meal 
you  gave  us  this  evening;  but  I  fear  I  have  not  sufficient 
time  to  do  justice  to  the  theme. 

DOR.  (R.  )  By  George,  sir,  you  did  justice  to  the 
fruit  salad? 

PIL.  Very  possibly,  Captain  Dorvaston,  but  I  may  re- 
mind you  that  your  own  appreciation  assumed  a  very 
practical  form. 

CAB.  Won't  you  both  be  rather  late?  (they  both  look 
at  each  other  and  then  go  up  to  the  door) 

PIL.  (turning  at  garden  door)  I  fear  we  shall.  I 
may  have  to  return  early — I  am  conscious  of  the  ap- 
proach of  a  headache. 

DOB.  Deuced  odd  thing!  I  feel  a  bit  off  colour—' 
doubt  if  I  shall  manage  to  see  it  through. 


40          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

Pit.  Tut,  tut!  you  look  singularly  well!  Merely 
fancy,  I'm  sure,  (opens  door)  Good-night,  Cook! 

CAB.     Good-night!     (PILLENGER  goes  out  at  back  door) 

DOB.     (following)     Good-night,  Cook! 

CAB.     Good-night! 

DOB.  (turning  at  door  and  speaking  in  whisper) 
Nine-thirty!  (CooK  nods — he  goes  out.  After  a  second 
MB.  PILLENGEB  puts  his  head  in  at  the  window) 

PIL.  Cook!  you  remember  our  appointment?  Nine 
o'clock. 

DOB.     (in  the  distance)     Are  you  coming,  sir? 

PIL.  (to  DOBVASTON)  Yes — in  one  moment!  (to 
COOK)  Nine!  you  quite  understand? 

CAB.     (calmly)     Quite! 

PIL.  Thank  you.  I  thought  I  would  just  recall  it  to 
your  memory.  I'm  coming,  Captain  Dorvaston!  (he 
goes;  COOK  continues  her  work;  GANDY  enters  B.,  is 
crossing  to  door,  stops,  comes  to  top  of  table  B.;  he  has 
changed  his  dress  and  carries  a  small  hand-bag;  he 
puts  this  down  and  his  hat,  and  hastily  consults  silver 
watch) 

GAN.  Cook,  I'm  a  leetle  pressed  for  time — but  I  find 
I've  just  got  three  minutes  and  a  'alf  to  waste. 

CAB.    Well,  what  is  it?     (washing  glasses  L. ) 

GAN.  I'll  come  straight  to  the  pint.  I've  saved  money 
— I'm  sick  of  service,  and  I  want  to  settle  down.  I 
know  of  a  eatin'  'ouse  to  be  'ad — good  situation — terms 
moderate — part  cash  down — remainder  in  monthly  in- 
stalments. Will  you  marry  me  and  take  over  the  kitchen 
department? 

CAB.     No. 

GAN.  (COOK  crosses  to  oven  and  kneels  and  opens  it) 
Don't  be  'asty  now.  We  should  crush  all  local  compe- 
tition. Think  it  over  careful,  (looks  at  his  watch 
again)  I  can  give  you  a  minute  and  a  'alf.  I'm  a  staid 
respectable  man,  and  I  want  a  staid  respectable  wife. 

CAB.  (kneeling  at  oven  L.,  looks  over  her  shoulder) 
And  do  I  strike  you  in  that  light? 

GAN.    You  do. 

CAB.  That  is  a  very  unexpected  compliment,  (rises, 
places  cake  on  table  L.) 

GAN.  (comes  down  to  chair  B. )  Yes,  Cook;  since  I 
met  you  I've  come  to  see  there's  things  in  life  as  I 
didn't  suspect.  (COOK  stops  work)  You've  showed  me 
the  superiority  of  braized  beef  over  biled  beef — you've 
rewealed  the  difference  between  'aricot  and  'ash — be- 
fore you  came  apple  fritters  was  to  me  a  mere  flash 
in  the  frying  pan.  (suddenly  stopping  and  looking  at 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          41 

his  watch)  Now  I  wouldn't  'urry  you,  but  time's  on 
the  move.  'Ow's  it  to  be? 

CAB.     It's  to  be  no! 

GAN.     Oh! 

CAB.  I  wish  the  eating-house  every  success,  but  I 
don't  intend  to  marry. 

GAN.     But  couldn't  you ? 

CAR.     No,  I  couldn't.    Don't  miss  your  train. 

GAN.  Well,  (takes  up  bag  and  hat)  it's  a  disappoint- 
ment, but  if  you  say  it's  to  be  like  that 

CAB.  It's  to  be  like  that,  (she  resumes  her  work) 
Good-night. 

GAN.  (goes  slowly  up  stage,  pauses,  turns — is  about 
to  speak,  thinks  better  of  it)  Good-night,  (he  goes  out 
at  back  door.  COOK  takes  cake  to  larder,  and  then 
crosses  back  to  windoiv,  brings  glass  tray  down  to  top 
of  table  and  puts  glasses  on  it.  KEZIAH  rushes  in  after 
a  slight  pause,  hastily  dressed  for  walking,  with  large 
hat  trimmed  lavishly  with  flowers) 

KEZ.  Ready  .at  last,  Cook!  I'm  always  a  cow's  tail, 
ain't  I?  Thought  I  should  never  get  into  this  dress. 
Miss  Fletcher  sent  it  'ome  so  tight,  I  can't  'ardly  bear 
myself,  and  no  'ook  and  eye  at  the  neck,  if  you  please. 
(crosses  to  COOK)  Lend  us  a  pin,  there's  a  dear!  (COOK 
gives  her  one,  and  stands  watching  her)  Thanks! 
(crosses  to  looking-glass  on  wall,  B.  TJ.  E.,  and  fastens 
her  collar  with  pin.)  I'll  talk  to  me  lady  when  I  pay 
'er.  (turning  sees  COOK  looking  at  her)  You're  look- 
ing at  the  'at?  Yus,  I  'ad  to  wear  the  big  one,  the  straw 
didn't  go  with  this  dress,  (comes  c.)  It  made  me  look 
almost  common  like.  Well,  I  must  step  it.  (goes  up) 

CAB.    You've  forgotten  your  gloves. 

KEZ.  Got  'em  in  my  pocket — can't  put  'em  on  yet — 
me  hands  is  too  'ot.  Am  I  all  right  at  the  back?  This 
skirt  seems  to  kick  up.  (turns  her  back  to  COOK,  and 
kicks  her  foot  up  at  the  same  time  at  back,  looking 
over  shoulder) 

CAB.     Not  more  than  it  does  in  front. 

KEZ.  That's  a  blessing,  (opens  door)  'Arry  war! 
(she  goes,  leaving  back  door  open.  COOK  takes  glass 
tray  to  tvindow,  crosses  and  shuts  door  B.;  crosses  and 
takes  bowl  to  scullery,  pours  out  water  and  wipes  her 
hands,  gets  plate  basket  (chimes  strike  three-quarters) 
comes  down  L.,  puts  spoons  in  basket,  crosses  to  B.  and 
exit.  There  is  a  slight  pause,  then  CRAYIX  looks  in  at 
window,  he  taps  twice,  then  whistles  softly — there  is 
another  slight  pause,  then  COOK  comes  back  and  crosses 
c.) 


42          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

CRAY,  (at  window)  Oh!  there  you  are!  Anybody 
about? 

CAB.  No.  Come  in,  the  door  is  open,  (crosses  to  L., 
he  enters) 

CRAY.  Well,  I've  got  here,  (he  stands  leaning  against 
the  door) 

CAR.     So  I  see. 

CRAY.  There's  a  beast  of  a  dog  somewhere  on  the 
premises,  ain't  there? 

CAR.  Yes,  but  he's  chained  up,  and  he's  rather  par- 
ticular about  his  food;  you  needn't  be  nervous.  (CRAYLL 
slams  door  and  crosses  c.) 

CRAY,  (looking  round  kitchen)  And  these  are  your 
quarters,  are  they?  You've  brought  your  pigs  to  a  nice 
market,  (she  is  silent)  Well? 

CAR.    Well? 

CRAY.     Why  don't  you  speak? 

CAR.     I  was  waiting  for  you  to  begin. 

CRAY.  Don't  you  feel  the  damned  degradation  of  your 
position? 

CAR.  No.  You  seem  to  forget  I  was  your  wife  for 
nearly  ten  years. 

CRAY.     Ah!     Have  you  any  whiskey? 

CAR.     No! 

CRAY,  (seeing  decanter  on  slab  in  window)  Why, 
what's  this? 

CAR.     That  belongs  to  Captain  Dorvaston. 

CRAY.  That's  all  right,  (crosses  to  window)  He 
knows  me.  He  won't  mind.  (COOK  sits  L.  CRAY  stands 
at  icindow  with  whiskey,  syphon,  and  glass  in  hand)  A 
cook!  That's  what  beats  me.  Why  a  cook? 

CAR.     It  was  an  experiment. 

CRAY.  If  you  were  broke  (comes  to  top  of  table  and 
pours  out  whiskey)  why  didn't  you  try  the  stage?  The 
divorce  would  have  given  you  a  leg  up. 

CAR.     How  did  you  find  me  out? 

CRAY.  Accident!  (takes  a  drink  and  crosses  c.)  I 
came  down  here  because  I  thought  your  pal  the  Duchess 
might  give  me  the  straight  tip  as  to  your  whereabouts. 
My  spottin'  you  was  a  bit  of  luck. 

CAR.     You  must  be  very  hard  up? 

CRAY.  Oh!  it's  bin  a  rotten  season!  Nothin's  paid 
me.  Had  some  big  stable  information  for  Doncaster 
week — that  didn't  pay  me,  couldn't  even  win  place 
money.  Tried  the  Stock  Exchange;  damned  if  that  paid 
me — jumped  in  at  the  top  of  the  market,  crawled  out 
at  the  bottom,  (crosses  to  chair)  Then  there  was  the 
trial 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          43 

CAR.     Ah!  I  suppose  the  law  expenses  were  heavy? 

CRAY.     Oh,  devilish! 

CAB.  Bribing  the  servants  must  have  been  rather  a 
serious  item! 

CBAY.    What  d'ye  mean? 

CAB.  That  was  a  most  elaborate  story  my  maid 
Thompson  told  the  jury — Thompson  was  not  very  intel- 
ligent. It  must  have  involved  a  great  deal  of  careful 
rehearsal. 

CRAY.  We  needn't  go  into  all  that,  (puts  glass  on 
table) 

CAB.  You  are  astonished  to  find  me  here.  What  did 
you  think  I  should  do? 

CBAY.     Thought  you  were  with  Carruthers. 

CAB.  No,  you  didn't,  (he  looks  at  her,  tries  to  brave 
it  out,  but  his  eyes  fall)  You  had  been  dangling  your 
title  before  the  eyes  of  a  certain  rich  widow,  but  I  see 
by  the  papers  (he  pours  out  whiskey)  she  has  slipped 
through  those  shaking  fingers  of  yours  and  is  going  to 
marry  another  man. 

CBAY.  (taking  up  glass  nervously  and  drinking) 
Yes;  women  are  damned  shifty. 

CAB.  Your  notion  didn't  come  off,  but  that  was  why 
you  trumped  up  your  case  against  me,  knowing  it  was 
all  a  lie. 

CBAY.    You  didn't  deny  it? 

CAR.     No. 

CBAY.     Neither  did  he? 

CAR.  No.  Bob  is  a  good  fellow — and  a  good  friend. 
He  helped  me. 

CBAY.     Helped  you  to  cheat  the  law! 

CAB.  Helped  me  to  cheat  the  law  that  ties  a  woman 
to  such  a  man  as  you. 

CBAY.     That  was  the  game,  was  it? 

CAR.  Why  did  you  want  to  find  me  out?  By  the  way, 
(crosses  to  window  and  brings  down  "Standard"  to 
top  of  table),  has  that  anything  to  do  with  it? 

CBAY.     How  do  you  mean? 

CAB.  (watching  him  closely)  To-day's  "  Standard." 
There's  a  little  advertisement  in  the  agony  column. 

CBAY.     I — can't  see — light's  bad.     Read   it  out! 

CAB.  (crosses  to  gas  L.,  takes  paper  and  reads) 
"  Will  Lady  Huntworth  communicate  with  Messrs. 
Brampton  and  Stokes,  Capel-Court,  on  a  matter  of  con- 
siderable importance? "  (crosses  to  L.  of  table  and 
throws  paper  down)  Did  you  know  of  that? 

CBAY.  No.  Who  are  Brampton  and  Stokes?  Never 
heard  of  'em. 


44:          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

CAB.  (leaning  over  table  with  one  hand  on  it  for  sup- 
port) Then  why  have  you  been  hunting  me  up?  I 
hadn't  a  shilling — you  saw  to  that. 

CBAY.  (after  slight  pause,  makes  to  touch  her  hand) 
I  wanted  you  to — come — back. 

CAB.    What? 

CBAY.  I'm  willin' — to  bury  the  past.  (COOK  looks  at 
him)  Well,  I  tell  you,  I  want  to  bury  the  past. 

CAB.  (pause,  she  puts  nand  on  chair)  Before  we 
talk  of  burying  the  past,  I  should  like  you  to  look  down 
into  the  still  open  grave 

CBAY.     (shudders)     Filthy  way  of  talkin'! 

CAR.  (sits  L.)  When  I  married  you  I  was  thirty — 
quite  old  enough  to  know  better!  but  I'd  spent  my  youth 
in  nursing  my  father.  When  he  died  I  inherited  a 
fortune — and  my  freedom — without  much  notion  what 
to  do  with  either.  That  was  a  bad  year  for  me.  I  lost 
my  father  and  I  found  you.  (CBAYLL  scowls  at  her) 
I  don't  know  what  crime  I  had  committed  that  fate 
should  sentence  me  to  ten  years'  penal  servitude.  But 
my  father  had  wished  it  and  so  did  your  mother.  You 
had  been  a  little  wild,  they  said,  but  all  you  needed  was 
gentle  guidance.  I  believed  them,  but  my  gentle  guid- 
ance that  was  to  work  miracles  generally  took  the 
shape  of  helping  you  up  to  bed  in  the  small  hours,  when 
the  difficulty  of  adjusting  the  latchkey  had  been  over- 
come. 

CBAY.  Look  here,  it  'pears  to  me  you're  trying  to  be 
'fensive. 

CAB.  That  was  my  life  for  ten  years.  The  dregs  of 
your  fortune  and  the  whole  of  mine  gradually  melted 
away — in  cards — (he  pours  out  drink)  racing,  drink — 
and  a  few  extra  establishments. 

CBAY.  You  never  grumbled  about  th'  extra  'stablish- 
ments. 

CAR.  (rises  in  disgust)  Oh,  no!  I  only  mention 
them  now — to  fill  up  the  picture  of  our  home  life.  With 
regard  to  your  gambling  and  drunkenness  I  was  sorry 
for  myself,  but  in  the  matter  of  your  infidelities  I  was 
sorry  for  the  other  women. 

CBAY.     Your  language's   'fensive — damned   'fensive! 

CAB.  At  the  finish  we  had  a  pleasant  little  chat;  you 
hadn't  a  sixpence  left — or  a  friend  either — except  Bob 
Carruthers.  He  had  lent  you  more  than  he  could  afford 
and  he  was  sick  of  it.  You  tried  to  get  me  to  ask  him 
again.  I  wouldn't.  It  was  on  that  occasion  you  reached 
up  and  tried  to  strike  me.  (touches  him  on  shoulder) 
Do  you  remember? 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          45 

CRAY.     Momentary   irritation — regretted    it   d'rectly! 

CAB.  (returns  paper  to  ivindow)  We  parted  that 
night.  The  place  was  sold  up,  and  I  didn't  hear  of  you 
again  till  you  commenced  proceedings  for  our  divorce. 
(he  moves  chair  and  faces  her)  Then  I  went  to  Bob. 
He  offered  to  see  me  through — engage  counsel  and  all 
that.  It  would  have  been  easy  to  smash  your  case, 
(crosses  and  stands  over  him)  but  that  would  have  left 
me  tied  to  you;  so  I  asked  him  if  he  would  join  me  in 
making  no  defence.  He  pointed  out  what  society  would 
think  of  me.  I  said  I  knew  enough  of  society  to  care 
nothing  fo"r  its  bad  opinion.  He  did  as  I  wished,  so 
you  got  your  decree  nisi  and  the  sympathy  of  the  pub- 
lic, (crosses  to  top  of  table  again) 

CRAY.  All  this  is  beastly  'fensive.  (leans  limply  over 
back  of  chair) 

CAB.  My  only  problem  was  how  to  live.  I  couldn't 
teach  or  make  dresses  or  typewrite.  There  was  only 
one  thing  I  could  do  properly — I  could  cook.  It  was 
always  a  fad  of  mine.  I  used  often  to  prepare  little 
dishes  for  my  father — in  the  old  days — and  while  I  was 
trying  to  see  my  way,  I  met  Millicent  Sturton.  I  told 
her  everything,  and  asked  her  to  help  me.  She  had 
influence  with  these  good  people — so  I  resumed  my  own 
name  and  became  the  vicar's  cook,  (pause;  COOK  has 
gradually  crossed  L.  again.  CBAYLL  moves  chair  back 
to  table  and  drinks)  Now  you  understand  everything! 
I'll  say  good-bye.  I'm  likely  to  be  rather  busy  this  even- 
ing. 

CRAY.  Don't  say  goo'bye.  I  wan'  you  to  come  back. 
My  'ntentions  are  disin'ersted.  Won't  you  come 
back? 

CAB.  (stands  with  hands  behind  her  back)  Not 
while  there's  a  crossing  to  be  swept — or  a  box  of 
matches  to  be  sold. 

CRAY,  (rising  unsteadily — leaning  over  table) 
S'pose  I  was  to — give  th'  show  away — d'you  think  they'd 
keep  a  woman  like  you — a  woman  who  was  n'torious? 

CAB.    No! 

CRAY.  Very  well,  then  I  can  squash  you.  Word  from 
me'd  sweep  you  into  the  gutter — an'  if  you  don'  come 
back — I'll  do  it.  I'll  show  you  what  comes  of  r'fusin' 
disin'ested  offer,  (she  laughs  and  shrugs  her  shoulders) 
Don'  laugh  at  me,  you  fool!  I'll  do  it!  I'll  drag  you 
off  your  damned  high  horse,  I'll — I'll — (raises  his  arm 
to  strike  her) 

CAB.  No,  you  won't!  (pauses;  his  arm  slowly  falls 
and  he  sways  about  limply)  you're  too  anxious  to  keep 


46          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

your  own  identity  secret  just  now  to  say  anything 
about  mine.  Isn't  that  so — Mr.  Crayll? 

CRAY,  (swaying  about)  Tha's  true,  tha's  true!  Le's 
be  frien's — shall  we?  Don'  le's  be  touchy.  If  you'll 
come  back,  I'll  do  the  right  thing — marry  you  again — 
marry  you  anywhere  you  like — St.  Paul's  Cathedral,  if 
you  like.  Come  back  and  be  a  comfort  to  ailin'  man. 
(sinks  into  chair)  Le's  have  'nother  honeymoon.  Shall 
we?  Le's  kiss  an'  be  friends;  but  first  le's  have  a  little 
more  whiskey,  (taking  whiskey)  Shall  we? 

CAB.  (removing  the  tumbler,  etc.)  No,  we  won't 
have  any  more  whiskey — in  fact,  I  think  we  had  better 
go  now.  (she  takes  whiskey  sypJion  and  glass  to  win- 
dow, and  looks  out) 

CRAY,  (who  is  now  maudlin)  Not  friendly!  No 
r'sumption  of  former  'fectionate  footin',  same  time — 
no  desire  to  remain — where  not  wanted,  (puts  cap  on) 
Where's  cigar  case?  Want  cigar — smoke  going  home. 
(he  very  sleepily  takes  out  letter  case  from  his  outside 
pocket)  Oh,  here  'tish!  (as  he  holds  it,  he  begins  to 
doze,  his  arm  falls  its  full  length,  and  a  letter  falls  out 
of  case — his  head  falls  right  back,  and  he  breathes  heav- 
ily. He  falls  gradually  into  a  deep  sleep.  She  watches 
him  quietly,  then  comes  round  to  the  right  of  him) 

CAB.  (pause)  Wake  up!  (shakes  him)  You  mustn't 
sleep  here. 

CRAY,     (muttering)     Want  cigar! 

CAB.  Want  a  cigar?  But  this  is  your  letter  case. 
(she  takes  it  from  him,  'and  puts  it  into  his  outside 
pocket  B.  She  then  sees  the  fallen  letter)  And  you've 
dropped  something.  (she  picks  it  up — he  snores) 
Looks  like  a  writ,  (she  glances  at  it)  Messrs.  Bramp- 
ton  and  Stokes  (she  pauses  and  looks  at  him)  Ah! 
my  first  idea  was  right  (crosses  to  gas  with  letter  round 
to  fireplace  and  reads  it  under  the  gas)  "  Messrs. 
Brampton  and  Stokes  present  their  compliments  to 
Lord  Huntworth,  and  would  be  greatly  obliged  if  he 
could  place  them  in  communication  with  the  lady  who 
was  till  very  recently  his  wife.  The  reason  for  the 
application  is  urgent,  as  information  has  been  received 
from  an  Australian  firm  of  solicitors  that  Lady  Hunt- 
worth  has  succeeded  to  a  considerable  fortune  through 
the  death  of  an  uncle,  (she  again  turns  and  looks  at 
him)  Messrs.  Brampton  and  Stokes  would  greatly  ap- 
preciate an  early  reply.  Capel  Court.  May  9th."  More 
than  two  months  ago!  Ah!  (slight  pause,  crosses  to 
top  of  table,  and  leans  over  it)  Lord  Huntworth,  you 
will  do  me  the  favour  to  wake  up.  (he  snores)  I 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          47 

thought  I  had  said  everything  I  had  to  say,  but  I  find  I 
was  wrong,  (she  stops  and  listens,  then  puts  letter 
hurriedly  inside  her  dress)  What's  that?  Did  I  hear 
the  gate  go?  (crosses  to  window,  then  crosses  to  CRAYLL 
and  shakes  him  and  pulls  him  up)  Wake  up — you 
mustn't  be  found  here,  (she  pulls  him  up) 

CRAY.     Wha's  matter? 

CAB.  I  must  put  you  somewhere;  you  wouldn't  be 
easy  to  explain  away,  (she  half -supports,  half -carries 
him  up  and  into  scullery;  when  there  she  allows  him 
to  droop  into  a  sitting  potition  against  the  sink;  she 
then  shufs  the  scullery  door)  Quite  like  old  times! 
(looks  out  of  window — brings  work-box  down,  goes  up 
to  door  and  listens.  MR.  PILLENGEB  enters) 

PIL.     Hum!     Cook!      (at  door) 

CAR.     Yes? 

PIL.     May  I  come  in? 

CAB.  Certainly!  (crosses  to  chair  R.  and  sits,  takes 
out  pudding  cloth  and  starts  to  hem  it) 

(MB.  PILLENGEB  enters  at  back  door.) 

PIL.  I — er — explained  to  Miss  Pillenger  that  I 
thought  it  advisable  to  return  home  early — as  I  was 
feeling  somewhat  indisposed. 

CAR.  (looks  up  at  him)  Then  you  would  like  to  go 
to  bed?  I'll  let  Miss  Pillenger  in.  (looks  at  door  L.) 

PIL.  That  is  not  necessary,  I  gave  her  my  latch-key. 
I  fear  I  must  admit  my  illness  has  no — er — tangible  ex- 
istence. 

CAB.    Oh! 

PIL.  I  trust  I  am  not  interrupting  any — er — domes- 
tic occupation? 

CAR.  I  have  to  hem  some  pudding  cloths,  but  I  can 
listen  while  I  work.  What  do  you  want  to  say  to  me? 
(she  begins  sewing;  PILLENGER  crosses  to  top  of  table, 
puts  hat  down;  as  he  crosses  COOK  looks  at  door  L.) 

PIL.  I — er — find  some  difficulty  in  approaching  the 
subject.  It  is  one  with  which  I  have  been  hitherto — 
quite  unfamiliar. 

CAR.     Perhaps  if  you  sat  down  it  might  be  easier. 

PIL.  Er — thank  you.  (crosses  to  fire  and  stands  with 
back  to  it)  The  suggestion  is  very  considerate,  (he 
makes  several  efforts  to  begin,  but  baulks  himself) 
During  the  few  months  you  have  been  with  us — you 
must  have  noticed  that  you  had  roused — in  me — a  strong 
feeling — (she  looks  up  at  him)  of — er — of  interest? 


48          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

CAB.     I  saw  it — I  didn't  notice  it. 

PIL.  Exactly!  (moves  to  back  of  chair  L.)  You 
would  not — care — perhaps,  to  give  me  a  somewhat  larger 
measure  of  your — er — confidence — touching  the — er — the 
past. 

CAR.  (stops  work  for  a  moment)  No;  I  think  we'll 
leave  the  past  alone. 

PIL.  I  may  possibly  persuade  you  to  be  less  reticent 
— when  I  have  submitted  my — er — my  proposal  to  you. 

CAB.     Proposal?     (resumes  work) 

PIL.  Yes.  After  such  reasonable  hesitation  as  should 
precede  the  taking  of  any  important  step,  I  have  de- 
cided to  offer  you  an  alternative  to  your  present  life, 
the  nature  of  which  you  may  have  already  guessed. 

CAB.  (smiling  back)  I  suppose  you  are  the  alterna- 
tive? 

PIL.  (moves  to  top  of  table  near  her)  Precisely.  I 
ask  you  to  be — er — to  be  my  wife. 

CAR.     (smiles)     Thanks!      (stops  work) 

PIL.  I  am  no  longer  young,  but  my  health  is  good, 
with  the  exception  of  a  little  periodic  gout.  My  tem- 
per, if  not  invariably  equable,  is  what  a  long  succession 
of  curates  has  made  it;  and  as  to  worldly  considera- 
tions, without  being  a  rich  man,  my  position  is  an  inde- 
pendent one. 

CAR.     It  ought  to  be. 

PIL.     I  beg  your  pardon? 

CAR.  You  say  you  don't' speak  without  consideration. 
Have  you  considered  what  your  sister  would  say? 

PIL.  (moves  round  to  L.)  It  is  a  point  to  which  I 
have  devoted  very  exhaustive  attention.  At  first  she 
might  not  welcome  the  idea  with — er — absolute  en- 
thusiasm, (sits  L.) 

CAR.  No,  she  might  not.  Have  you  also  considered 
what  the  world  would  say? 

PIL.     The  world? 

CAR.  It's  rather  a  tolerant  world  where  a  man  is 
concerned,  but  it  holds  special  views  about  clergymen, 
and  it  wouldn't  stand  the  notion  of  a  vicar  marrying  his 
cook. 

PIL.  The  social  disparity  between  us  is  far  more 
apparent  than  real.  Your  present  vocation  must  be  the 
outcome  of  caprice — or  temporary  necessity. 

CAR.  Take  it  at  that,  (puts  work  in  box)  What  do 
you  know  of  me?  I  may  be  an  adventuress — in  fact, 
most  of  the  evidence  points  that  way.  At  any  rate  I 
have  no  intention  of  marrying,  (smiles)  I  have  said 
the  same  thing  once  before  this  evening  in  reply  to  a 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          49 

similar  proposition  from  Gandy.  (rises  and  crosses 
back  of  her  chair  and  leans  on  chair) 

PIL.     Gandy?    Did  he  dare? 

CAR.  He  did.  (smiling)  This  seems  to  be  rather  a 
susceptible  household,  (crosses  to  window  and  looks 
out) 

PIL.  (rising)  You  haven't  given  me  a  conclusive 
answer? 

CAB.  (hearing  footsteps)  Haven't  I?  I  thought  I 
had. 

PIL.  (grosses  to  c.)  You  may  require  a  little  time 
for  final  reflection. 

CAB.     I  think  not.     (looking  out  of  window) 

PIL.  Nevertheless,  if  you  will  spare  me  your  atten- 
tion. 

CAB.  One  moment!  I  thought  I  heard  a  step  on  the 
path.  (she. looks  out  of  window)  Yes,  it's  Captain  Dor- 
vaston. 

PIL.  (crosses  to  door  and  looks  out,  returns  and  takes 
hat  from  table)  You  don't  say  so?  That  is  highly 
inconvenient.  What  had  I  better  do? 

CAB.     I  think  you  had  better  go  to  bed. 

PIL.  An  opportunity  like  the  present  is  so  difficult 
to  obtain.  He  will  merely  pass  through  to  his  room. 
I'll  wait  in  the  scullery,  (makes  for  it) 

CAR.  (puts  hand  on  door)  The  scullery  is  rather  in 
confusion,  (goes  back  to  window  and  looks  out) 

PIL.  Then  the  larder  is  probably  available,  (goes  to- 
wards it) 

CAB.     I  really  wouldn't  wait  if  I  were  you. 

PIL.  (speaking  from  entrance  to  larder)  I  do  so  on 
my  own  initiative.  There  are  several  arguments  I  wish 

CAB.     (at  window)     He's  coming. 

PIL.     Oh!    (  hastily  goes  in  and  closes  larder  door) 

(DORVASTON  simultaneously  enters  at  garden  door) 

DOR.     Well,  Cook,  I've  got  back.    May  I  come  in? 

CAB.  If  you  like,  (drops  down  L.  DOBVASTON  en- 
ters and  locks  door  after  him)  You  needn't  have  locked 
the  door. 

DOB.     Don't  you  keep  it  locked? 

CAB.     I   do  generally — it  doesn't  matter,      (sits  L.) 

DOB.     The  governor  was  seedy  and  left  early. 

CAR.    Yes,  he  came  back. 

DOR.  Gone  to  bed,  I  s'pose?  (she  is  silent  and  has  re- 
sumed her  work)  I  tried  to  think  of  something  a  bit 
4 


50          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

more  novel,  but  I  couldn't,  so  I  had  to  tell  the  old  lady 
I  wasn't  feeling  fit  myself. 

CAB.    Why  did  you  trouble? 

DOR.  (crosses  to  top  of  table  and  puts  hat  down)  Oh, 
well,  don't  you  know,  I  wanted  to  say  something  to 
you. 

CAB.     Yes.     (stops  work) 

DOB.  I'm  a  bad  hand  at  getting  my  notions  into 
words.  P'raps  if  you  go  on  doing — whatever  you're  doing 
— I  may  manage  to  make  a  start,  (she  resumes  work) 
That  ought  to  look  exceptional  pretty  when  it's  finished. 

CAB.     Do  you  think  so? 

DOB.     Yes!     What— is  it? 

CAB.     A  pudding  cloth. 

DOB.  Jove!  You  don't  say  so?  (laughs)  I  say,  you 
mustn't  think  me  an  awful  ass! 

CAB.     It  doesn't  matter  what  I  think. 

DOB.     It  matters  to  me. 

CAB.  It  oughtn't  to  matter,  (pause — he  takes  up  the 
weekly  journal) 

DOB.  Been  doing  a  bit  of  reading?  (sits  on  table  R. 
corner) 

CAR.    No.    That  belongs  to  Keziah. 

DOR.  This  sounds  promising,  (reads)  "  The  belted 
Earl  entered  the  lists  with  lance  in  rest.  His  shield 
bore  for  device  a  bar  sinister  with  Fleur  de  Lys  ram- 
pant." That  ain't  heraldry! 

CAB.  Yes,  it  is,  (looking  up)  "Family  Heraldry." 
(he  laughs)  I  don't  want  to- hurry  you,  but  it's  getting 
late. 

DOB.  (rises)  Well,  I — I  hope  you  haven't  misunder- 
stood my — object  in — bothering  you? 

CAB.     I  should  like  to  think  I  had. 

DOB.    I  don't  follow. 

CAB.  Members  of  your  profession  don't  generally 
make  an  appointment  with  cook  in  order  to  assure  her 
of  their  respect. 

DOB.  Some  of  us  may  be  a  bit  rackety,  but  we  know 
a  lady  when  we  see  one,  and  we  shouldn't  treat  her 
any  different  because  she  chose  to  pretend  to  be  a  cook. 

CAB.     Pretend? 

DOB.  (crosses  c.  and  gets  gradually  to  chair  B.  of 
table)  Why,  any  duffer  could  see — /  can  see  you  were 
never  meant  to  be  what  you  are.  These  things  gen- 
erally come  about  through  loss  of  coin — for  instance, 
a  woman's  father  speculates,  and  the  home  goes  biff. 
He  shuts  up  in  his  stride,  and  she  takes  up  the  run- 
ning. Now  what  that  woman  wants  is  a  friend  to  give 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          51 

her  the  lead  over  the  fences — a  friend  who  don't  want 
anything  from  her — will  you  keep  your  eye  on  that? — 
who  don't  want  anything  from  her,  but  who  would  like 
awfully  to  do  her  a  turn,  if  she'd  let  him.  I  think  that 
goes  into  the  four  corners  of  what  I  wanted  to  say. 
(sits) 

CAR.  (rising)  Do  you  know  you're  a  wonderfully 
good  fellow? 

DOR.  Oh,  rot!  Well,  may  I  be — a  little  use  to  some- 
body for  once? 

CAR.  I  won't  borrow  money  of  you,  if  you  meant 
that. 

DOR.     False  pride! 

CAR.     No,  that  isn't  it. 

DOR.  It's  a  devilish  odd  thing  that  every  good  woman 
is  a  bit  of  a  coward,  and  she's  always  afraid  of  what 
people  will  say,  especially  if  it  isn't  true. 

CAR.  That  description  fits  me  less  than  any  woman  in 
the  world. 

DOR.  You  won't  let  me  be  of  use  to  you,  because  I 
happen  to  be  a  man,  and  you  happen  to  be  a  woman — 
ain't  that  so?  (rises)  I  see  how  it  is.  I've  made  an 
ass  of  myself.  You  won't  have  my  help  or  my  friend- 
ship. 

CAR.  (rises)  I  don't  need  the  help,  but  I'll  take  the 
friendship. 

DOR.     Thanks! 

CAR.  (shuts  work-box)  What  I  thought  about  you 
was  wrong.  I  beg  your  pardon. 

DOR.     Oh,  that's  all  right! 

CAR.  (leans  on  box)  Now,  will  you  do  me  a  little 
favour? 

DOR.    Anything!     (leans  over  table) 

CAR.  Will  you  go  to  bed?  (he  backs  with  surprise) 
They  mustn't  come  back  and  find  you  here. 

DOR.  Of  course  not,  I'll  go  at  once;  and  if  at  any 
time  you  should  want  a  pal,  you'll  let  me 

CAR.  Hush!  (crosses  to  door  and  opens  it)  I  fancy 
I  heard  the  key  in  the  front  door,  (she  listens)  Yes, 
it  is  them.  Miss  Pillenger  is  saying  she  wants  to  speak 
to  me. 

DOR.  (takes  up  hat)  By  George!  I'd  better  nip  into 
the  scullery,  (crosses  to  scullery) 

CAR.     No! 

DOR.     The  larder?     (crosses  to  it) 

CAR.     No.     Go  into  the  garden. 

DOE.    Of  course!     Stupid  of  me!     (he  tries  the  door) 

CAR.     Make  haste. 


52          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

DOR.  Can't  get  the  beastly  door  open.  Something's 
wrong  with  the  key. 

CAB.     You'll  be  too  late!      (advances  towards  him) 
DOR.     Here!      (opens   door)      What's  this?     Ah,   the 
broom  cupboard,  any  port  in  a  storm!      (goes  in;  COOK 
shuts  door  and  stands  there  for  a  moment) 

(Miss  PILLENGER  enters.) 

Miss  P.  Cook,  I  remembered  I  hadn't  ordered  to-mor- 
row's breakfast,  (crosses  and  sits  K.  of  table) 

CAB.  No.  What  would  you  like?  (crosses  to  top  of 
table) 

Miss  P.     (sitting  R.  of  table)     Has  Keziah  returned? 

CAB.     Not  yet. 

Miss  P.  Both  my  brother  and  Captain  Dorvaston  were 
too  unwell  to  remain  with  us.  They  have  doubtless  gone 
to  bed,  so  I  will  ask  you  to  go  upstairs  very  quietly. 

CAR.  Certainly!  I  think  I  hear  Keziah.  (she  goes 
to  back-door) 

Miss  P.  She  is  very  late,  (pause)  Why  don't  you 
open  the  door? 

CAB.    The  key  sticks  a  little. 

Miss  P.  It  should  be  oiled.  (COOK  opens  the  door  and 
admits  KEZIAH,  who  doesn't  see  Miss  PILLENGER) 

KEZ.  Oh,  Cook,  I  did  enjoy  myself  a  treat!  'E  was 

there — and  when  I  come  out (comes  c.  and  sees  Miss 

PILLENGER)  Oh  lor! 

Miss  P.     Keziah! 

KEZ.    Yes,  mum. 

Miss  P.    Why  are  you  so  late? 

KEZ.     I  dunno,  mum. 

Miss  P.  Who  is  the  person  you  spoke  of  when  you 
came  in. 

KEZ.    What  person,  mum, 

Miss  P.     You  said  distinctly  he  was  there. 

KEZ.  Oh,  that  was  me  sister's  'usband's  brother,  mum. 
(winks  at  COOK)  'E's  a  plumber,  and  Church  of  Eng- 
land. 

Miss  P.     You  are  aware  I  don't  allow  followers? 

KEZ.  'E  don't  follow  me,  mum.  I  did  give  'im  good 
evenin',  bein',  as  you  may  say,  relations,  and  'e  told  me 
as  my  sister  'as  just  'ad  'er  seventh,  and  both  doin'  well, 
and 

Miss  P.  That  will  do.  I  hope  you  are  telling  the 
truth. 

KEZ.    Oh  yes,  mum,  it's  gorspel,  it  is  reely! 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          53 

Miss  P.  Mind  you  go  upstairs  quietly;  your  master 
is  unwell. 

KEZ.  Yes,  mum.  (goes  to  door  again,  winks  at  COOK) 
Good  night,  mum. 

Miss  P.  Good  night!  (KEZIAH  goes  out)  I'm  afraid, 
Cook,  you  must  have  had  a  rather  dull  evening. 

CAR.  No,  I  haven't  been  dull,  (puts  box  on  window- 
ledge  and  returns)  You  were  going  to  speak  about  the 
breakfast. 

Miss  P.  Yes.  Let  me  see,  we  shall  have  fish,  (noise 
in  cupboard)  What  was  that?  I  heard  a  noise  in  that 
cupboard. 

CAR.     It  may  have  been  a  mouse. 

Miss  P.  I  didn't  know  we  had  any  mice.  You  had 
better  set  a  trap  to-morrow. 

CAR.     You  mentioned  fish?    Will  you  have  it  grilled? 

Miss  P.  No,  fried  with  egg  and  breadcrumbs,  (noise 
in  cupboard  is  repeated  more  loudly)  That  can't  be 
a  mouse.  The  cat  must  have  got  shut  up  in  there. 

CAR.     The  cat  is  in  the  scullery. 

Miss  P.  Then  it  must  be  a  strange  cat.  (rises  and 
crosses  to  R.  c. ) 

CAR.  (going  to  cupboard,  her  hand  on  knob)  Strange 
cats  sometimes  fly  at  you.  If  you'll  go,  I'll  see  to  it. 
I'm  not  nervous. 

Miss  P.  (advances  to  cupboard)  Neither  am  I.  I 
prefer  to  see  for  myself,  (waves  COOK  back)  How  this 
door  sticks,  (she  pulls  at  the  handle  of  the  door,  which 
at  last  opens,  discovering  DORVASTON)  Captain  Dorvas- 
ton!  (he  comes  out  sheepishly;  pause)  May  I  ask  you 
to  explain  this?  (DORVASTON  looks  first  at  Miss  P.  then 
at  COOK — takes  his  hat  off) 

DOR.  Well,  ma'am,  it  ain't  exactly  easy  to  make  the 
thing  clear. 

Miss  P.  I  see.  (speaking  at  COOK)  The  explanation 
is  only  too  obvious.  My  niece  has  gone  to  her  room, 
so  I  shall  not  disturb  her  to-night,  but  to-morrow  it  will 
be  my  painful  duty  to  tell  her  everything,  (moves  a 
step  to  the  door) 

DOR.     I  say,  ma'am,  just  a  moment. 

Miss  P.  (moves  toward  COOK  and  stops)  As  to  you, 
Cook,  I  will — or,  rather,  Mr.  Pillenger — will  speak  to 
you  in  the  morning. 

CAR.  (smiling)  Very  well!  (at  top  of  table.  Miss 
PILLENGER  moves  to  go — DORVASTON  intercepts  her) 

DOR.  Look  here,  ma'am — upon  my  soul  you  must 
listen.  I  wanted  to  say  something  to  Cook.  It  was  noth- 
ing— anybody  might  have  heard  it. 


54          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

Miss  P.  Then  why  conceal  yourself  in  the  broom 
cupboard? 

DOB.  I  know  the  broom  cupboard  ain't  easy  to  get 
out  of.  I  could  explain  better,  only  I  feel  in  such  an 
awful  hat 

Miss  P.    You  are  not  wearing  your  hat! 

DOB.     No,  but — really,  you  know,  I  simply  wanted — 

CAB.  Captain  Dorvaston,  don't  trouble;  whatever  you 
may  say  Miss  Pillenger  won't  believe  you. 

Miss  P.  That  is  true.  There  are  things  that  cannot 
be  explained  away.  The  broom  cupboard  is  one  of  them. 
(going) 

DOB.    But  I  say,  ma'am!      (moves  again) 

Miss  P.  (motions  him  away)  Good-night,  Captain 
Dorvaston,  (he  opens  door,  she  goes  out.  DOBVASTON  and 
COOK  look  at  each  other,  she  smiles) 

DOB.     (after  pause)     I've  made  a  nice  mess  of  it. 

CAB.  You  have  rather,  (closes  cupboard  door,  re- 
turns L.) 

DOB.  If  nature  allowed  a  fella  to  kick  himself,  I'd 
do  it  with  the  greatest  pleasure,  (comes  to  B.  and  puts 
hat  down  on  table)  To  drag  you  into  such  a  beastly 
muddle!  And  I  did  so  want  to  do  you  a  turn. 

CAB.  I  know  you  did.  You  meant  kindly,  and  I'm 
very  grateful.  Go  to  bed  and  forget  all  about  it. 

DOB.  There'll  be  an  awful  row  to-morrow.  I'm  not 
thinking  of  myself,  I'm  thinking  about  you. 

CAB.  You  needn't  worry  about  me.  Oddly  enough, 
I've  had  news  to-night  that 'makes  this  affair  very  un- 
important. Now  I  must  really  ask  you  to  go. 

DOB.  All  right,  I'll  be  off.  But,  I  say — you  do  forgive 
me? 

CAB.    Of  course  I  forgive  you. 

DOB.     Thanks.     Good-night! 

CAB.  Good-night!  (he  goes  to  door  R.,  then  returns 
to  table  for  his  hat.  As  he  does  so  PILLENGEB  cautiously 
emerges  from  the  larder.  The  two  men  face  each  other) 

PIL.     Hum!     Tut,  tut!      (CooK  turns  and  sits  L.) 

DOB.    Hulloa,  sir!     Were  you  in  there? 
'  PIL.    Yes — I — er — was. 

DOB.    What,  all  the  time? 

PIL.  I  had  an  important  reason  for  desiring  a  few 
minutes'  conversation  with — er — Cook. 

CAB.  Mr.  Pillenger  shared  your  wish  that  I  should 
better  myself 

DOB.  That's  devilish  lucky,  because,  as  you  were  a 
witness,  you  can  clean  the  slate  for  us,  and  back  up 
what  I  say. 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          55 

PIL.  You  fail  to  perceive  that  my  perfectly  innocent 
sojourn  in  the  larder  would  be  as  difficult  of  plausible 
explanation  as  your  own  regrettable  occupancy  of  the 
broom  cupboard. 

DOB.     Jove,  yes,  that's  true!     What  had  we  better  do? 

CAB.  The  first  step — especially  as  you  are  both  in- 
valids (the  men  look  at  each  other)  is  for  you  to  go  to 
bed. 

PIL.  The  suggestion  is  most  judicious,  (they  both 
start  for  the  do  or;  PILLED GEK  stops  DORVASTON)  I  think, 
Captain  Dorvaston,  I  will  precede  you  by  a  few  minutes. 
The  stairs  have  a  tendency  to  creak,  and  would  certainly 
do  so  under  our  combined  weight.  Good-night. 

DOR.     Good-night,  sir. 

PIL.  (is  going  but  pauses)  With  your  permission 
I  will  remove  my  boots,  (he  does  so)  It  would  not  be 
fair  to  disturb  the  household.  Good-night!  (he  goes 
out  with  a  boot  in  each  hand,  and  his  hat  under  his 
arm) 

DOB.  (crosses  and  sits  B.)  By  George!  then  the 
governor  was  there  all  the  time. 

CAR.  Yes,  I  was  well  provided  with  chaperonage. 
(turns  to  mantel  and  puts  gas  out,  takes  candlestick 
from  bracket  and  crosses  to  window) 

DOB.  It  don't  get  you  out  of  the  mess,  that's  the  worst 
of  it. 

CAB.  (shutting  the  window  and  then  crossing  to 
larder)  You  needn't  mind  me. 

DOB.  I'm  bound  to  mind  you.  Are  you  sure  there's 
nothing  I  could  do  to  help  you — in  any  sort  of  way? 

CAB.  No.  (shuts  door;  her  eye  goes  to  scullery) 
Well,  there  is  one  thing  you  could  do  for  me — if  you 
really  mean  what  you  say. 

DOB.     I  swear  I  do!     (rises') 

CAR.  (crosses  c.)  What  I  should  want  you  to  do 
would  be  rather  a  nuisance.  Are  you  sure  you  wouldn't 
mind? 

DOR.     Try  me. 

CAB.    Well,  there's  a  man  in  the  scullery. 

DOB.     Another  man! 

CAB.  Yes.  I  fancy  you'll  find  he  is  asleep  against 
the  sink. 

DOR.     Is  he,  by  George? 

CAR.  Might  I  trouble  you  to  fetch  him  out?  (crosses 
to  dresser  and  lights  candle) 

DOR.  Eh?  What?  Oh,  certainly!  (he  goes  to  scul- 
lery, opens  door  and  discovers  CRAYLL  asleep  in  a  sit- 
ting position;  DOBVASTON  picks  him  up,  places  him  in  a 


56          LADY  HUNT  WORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

chair  B.  of  table)  There  you  are!  (COOK  crosses  with 
candle,  and  light  falls  on  CBAYLL'S  face)  Why,  it's 
Crayll!  (looks  at  COOK) 

CAB.    Yes. 

DOB.    He's  as  drunk  as  a  fiddler. 

CAB.  Yes.  He  called  on  me  this  evening,  rather  to 
my  inconvenience. 

DOB.     Did  he? 

CAB.  Might  I  ask  you — to  put  him  somewhere  for  me? 
(DORVASTON  looks  at  her  wonderingly)  There's  a  dry 
ditch — at  the  end  of  the  garden — that  would  do. 

DOB.    Anything  you  wish,  of  course. 

CAB.     Thanks!      (turns  B.  gas  out) 

DOB.     Then  you  know  Crayll? 

CAB.  Yes.  (turning  to  DORVASTON)  He  was  my  hus- 
band at  one  time,  (turns  out  gas) 

DOB.     (in  an  amazed  whisper)     What! 

CAB.    Good-night!      (she  goes  out  quietly  at  door  B.) 

The  stage  is  now  dark  except  the  moonlight  which 
streams  in  at  door.  DOBVASTON  stands  transfixed 
with  astonishment — then  he  puts  on  his  hat — goes 
up  and  opens  the  back  door — returns — picks  up  CBAYLL 
and  carries  him  up  stage.  As  he  does  so  the 

CUBTAIN  FALLS. 


ACT  III. 

SCENE. — The  Vicarage  Library  (according  to  plan). 
TIME. — Early  next  morning. 

(When  the  Act  opens  the  stage  is  dark,  but  the  morning 
sun  shines  in  through  the  chinks  of  the  shutters;  LUCY 
enters  in  white  biking  costume;  she  steals  downstairs, 
puts  jacket  on  chair  B.,  crosses  to  o.p;  windows,  opens 
shutters,  and  draws  curtains — crosses  to  back  and  does 
the  same;  then  waves  handkerchief  to  THORSBY,  and 
runs  up  stairs  again;  stands  looking  off,  to  see  no  one 
has  heard;  after  a  moment  THORSBY  enters;  steals  to 
balustrade  and  kisses  LUCY'S  hand,  which  is  on  the 
balustrade. ) 

THOB.    Darling! 
LUCY.    Hush! 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          57 

THOR.     Mustn't  I? — on  our  wedding  day? 

LUCY.     No! 

THOR.     Oh! 

LUCY.  At  least — whatever  you  wish  to  convey  to  me 
must  be  done  in  dumb  show. 

THOR.     I  see.     (he  kisses  her) 

LUCY.  Mind  my  hat.  (looks  off)  When  we  have 
been  married  a  few  years  you'll  realize  that  my  hats 
must  be  treated  very  respectfully. 

THOR.     I  suppose  the  household  is  still  in  bed? 

LUCY.  Yes.  (crosses  to  settle  and  sits  on  R.  end)  I 
crept  downstairs  feeling  like  a  burglar.  I  had  one  awful 
moment — I  stumbled  over  Auntie's  shoes — they  were  out- 
side her  door. 

THOR.  My  dearest — that  was  rather  careless,  (leans 
on  post) 

LUCY.  Careless!  Auntie's  shoes  aren't  easy  to  avoid 
in  a  narrow  passage.  It  was  all  right.  Uncle  and  Aunty 
were  still  asleep — I  could  hear  them 

THOR.     And  Captain   Dorvaston? 

LUCY.  Oh!  I  expect  Jack  was  asleep,  too,  not  dream- 
ing the  hour  of  his  emancipation  was  at  hand.  Poor  old 
Jack!  I  wish  he  was  coming  with  us. 

THOR.     Hum!     Do  you? 

LUCY.     I  wish  he  could  have  given  me  away. 

THOR.     I — hardly   share   that   feeling. 

LUCY.  You  don't  know  him;  he'd  have  done  it  in  a 
minute  if  I'd  asked  him.  I'd  have  told  him  all  about  it, 
only  he's  such  a  clumsy  old  duffer;  he  might  have  given 
me  away  in  a  different  sense. 

THOR.  You  seem  to  place  great  reliance  on  his  af- 
fection for  you. 

LUCY.  He  has  tons  of  affection  for  me — tons — but  not 
love — at  least,  not  the  business  article  you  and  I  deal 
in.  (THORSBY  goes  to  embrace  her,  she  waves  him  off) 
By  the  way,  Harry,  (she  is  putting  on  her  gloves)  there 
are  one  or  two  points  we  have  never  properly  settled. 

THOR.     What  are  they? 

LUCY.     I  mean  to  be  a  clinking  parson's  wife. 

THOR.  Darling!  (moves  to  her,  she  waves  him  off 
as  before) 

LUCY.  Hold  on!  I  mean  to  be  a  clinking  parson's 
wife,  but  I  have  my  limitations.  Church  on  Sunday — 
how  many  times? 

THOR.     (hesitatingly)     Three? 

LUCY.  Oh,  no!  Mornings  generally,  evenings  some- 
times, afternoons  never. 

THOR.     Never? 


58          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

LUCY.  Never!  (THOBSBY  moves  to  c.;  LUCY  rises  and 
follows)  Now  you're  shocked — your  face  has  grown  a 
couple  of  inches  longer.  Well,  If  I'm  not  orthodox 
enough  for  you  it's  off,  and  I'll  go  back  to  bed  again. 
(moves  to  go) 

THOB.  Lucy  dear,  (catches  her  arm)  in  answer  to 
what  you  said,  I  shall  merely  exact  one  promise. 

LUCY.     Which   is? 

THOB.  That  in  all  things — and  in  all  seasons — you 
will  do — or  not  do — whatever  you  please.  Do  you 
promise? 

LUCY,  (after  slight  pause.  She  puts  left  hand  on 
shoulder)  Harry,  I  do  promise;  it  shall  be  exactly  as 
you  say.  Indeed,  indeed,  I'll  keep  my  word.  Now  then, 
fasten  my  glove,  and  we'll  go  and  get  it  over,  (he  pro- 
ceeds to  fasten  her  glove,  as  CABOLIXE  enters,  carrying 
a  small  tray  with  coffee,  bread  and  butter,  etc.;  she  also 
carries  a  large  shoe  under  her  arm) 

CAB.  (at  top  of  stairs)  I  beg  your  pardon.  (LUCY 
and  THOBSBY  are  much  startled.  THOBSBY  moves  away 
towards  table  R.C.) 

LUCY.    Cook! 

THOB.     Dear  me! 

CAB.     I  hope  I  didn't  startle  you? 

LUCY.     Oh,  no! 

THOB.    Not  at  all! 

CAB.  (comes  down,  and  stands  at  bottom  of  stairs) 
I  thought  you  might  like  a  cup  of  coffee  (smiling)  to 
help  you  face  the  ordeal.  - 

LUCY.  Was  that  why  you  wanted  to  know  last  night 
what  time  I  meant  to  start? 

CAB.  No.  I  told  you  I  wanted  to  think  of  you,  and 
wish  you  luck.  The  coffee  was  an  afterthought. 

LUCY.     I  see. 

CAB.  Won't  you  both  sit  down  and  have  it  comfort- 
ably? 

LUCY.  Is  it  safe  to  wait?  (crosses  up  c.  and  looks 
off — anxiously) 

CAB.     Quite. 

LUCY.    Keziah  ? 

CAB.  Keziah  is  not  awake — I  wrapped  the  alarum  in 
a  blanket.  (LucY  crosses  to  top;  THOBSBY  to  R.;  COOK 
crosses  to  top  of  chair  and  puts  tray  on  table  and  shoe 
on  chair  L.;  LUCY  and  THORSBY  then  sit) 

LUCY.  It  has  probably  dawned  on  you,  Harry,  that 
Cook  is  a  good  friend  of  ours? 

THOB.     It  has,  indeed!      (he  rises,  bows — sits  again) 

CAR.    Cook  was  once  young  herself — it  was  some  years 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          59 

ago — but  she  hasn't  forgotten  the  circumstances,  (to 
LUCY)  Milk  and  sugar? 

LUCY.     Thanks,     (she  holds  cup  to  her) 

CAB.    Mr.  Thorsby? 

THOR.  If  you  please — two  lumps,  (she  hands  cup 
to  him) 

CAB.  Bread  and  butter?  (they  both  take  some)  It 
isn't  up  to  much— yesterday's  loaf— but  it  was  the  best 
I  could  do.  And  how  do  you  both  feel?  Nervous? 

LUCY.     Beastly  nervous!      (eating) 

THOB.  (eating)  The  moment  is  naturally  a  solemn 
one.  I  feel  anxious,  but  not  nervous,  (takes  up  cup 
and  drinks) 

LUCY.  Oh,  it's  all  right  for  you;  you've  tied  up  such 
a  lot  of  poor  misguided  people,  that  you  know  the  words 
backwards.  It's  different  with  me — I  know  I  shall 
bungle  it. 

CAB.  There  are  only  three  words  that  really  sig- 
nify. 

LUCY.    Which  three? 

CAB.     Love,  honor,  and  obey. 

LUCY.  I  think  I  can  manage  the  first  two,  but  I  mean 
to  slur  the  third,  (THOBSBY  drops  cup  in  saucer)  cough, 
or  sneeze  or  something. 

THOB.  (to  GASOLINE,  smiling)  That  sounds  rather 
an  alarming  prospect.  Don't  you  pity  me? 

CAB.  (glancing  at  LUCY,  and  also  smiling)  No,  I 
don't  think  I  do.  (crosses  c.)  How  do  you  go  to 
Church? 

LUCY,  (rising)  We  are  going  to  bike  there.  By-the- 
bye,  would  you  tell  somebody — Auntie  or  Jack — anybody 
will  do — that  I've  run  over  to  see  my  friend,  Jenny 
Thornton,  and  they're  not  to  wait  breakfast? 

THOB.  (rising)  My  dear  Lucy,  ought  we  to  involve 
a  third  person  in  our  deception? 

CAB.  The  third  person  hasn't  a  very  tender  con- 
science in  such  matters,  (to  LUCY)  I'll  tell  your  little 
fib  for  you  with  pleasure. 

LUCY,  (leans  over  chair,  sees  shoe)  There,  Harry, 
I  knew  she  would.  Thank  you,  Cook,  (taking  up  the 
shoe  which  COOK  has  placed  on  a  chair)  What's  this? 

CAR.  (c. )  I  wanted  to  throw  a  shoe  after  you,  and 
that  was  the  only  one  I  could  find.  It's  one  of  your 
Aunt's — she  put  it  outside  her  door  to  be  cleaned. 

THOB.     Dear  me!     It  looks  rather  formidable. 

CAB.  It  is  large!  We'll  hope  that  the  luck  it  brings 
will  be  proportionate.  Now,  I  should  say  it  was  time  for 
you  to  go. 


60          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

THOR.  (going  up  to  window)  Yes,  I  don't  think  we 
ought  to  delay. 

LUCY,  (puts  shoe  down  again,  crosses  up  to  window, 
and  down  to  below  table  c.)  All  right,  come  along. 
Stop  a  second  though.  I  say,  Harry,  have  you  got 
everything? 

THOR.  (returns  from  H.)  Got  everything?  (COOK 
crosses  to  back  of  table,  and  puts  things  on  tray) 

LUCY.  Everybody's  fee.  I  should  like  to  do  the  thing 
well. 

THOR.     Yes. 

LUCY.    How  about  the  ring? 

THOR.  Eh?  Oh,  yes,  I — (searching  his  pockets)  I 
bought  it  yesterday,  (still  searching) 

LUCY.  Very  likely,  but  have  you  got  it  with  you  to- 
day? 

THOR.  I  certainly  think  so.  I  have  a  distinct  recol- 
lection of  putting  it  in  my  waistcoat  pocket,  (still 
searching) 

LUCY.  You've  lost  it.  (to  COOK)  There's  a  pretty 
mess! 

THOR.  Ah!  here  it  is.  (COOK  crosses  to  c.)  There 
is  a  hole  in  the  pocket,  and  it  had  slipped  down  into  the 
lining. 

LUCY,  (to  COOK)  Thank  goodness!  That  would 
have  been  a  nice  thing,  wouldn't  it? 

CAR.  (to  LUCY)  Will  you  wear  this?  It's  only 
syringa,  but  it  looks  like  prange  blossom.  (LUCY  and 
THORSBY  exchange  glances)  I  picked  it  for  you  this 
morning. 

LUCY,  (fixing  it)  You  have  been  kind  to  me,  and 
I've  no  means  of  thanking  you.  Will  you  stoop  down 
and  let  me  kiss  you?  (COOK  does  so)  I'm  afraid  that's 
all  I  can  do. 

CAR.  I'm  quite  repaid.  I  fancy  Mr.  Thorsby  agrees 
with  me.  (LUCY  crosses  up  to  window) 

THOR.  (goes  up  R.  a  little;  takes  LUCY'S  coat  with 
him)  Good-bye!  May  I  add  my  thanks  also? 

CAR.     Not  at  all.     Good-bye. 

LUCY,  (crosses  down  again  to  COOK)  It  isn't  good- 
bye— we're  coming  back  as  soon  as  it's  over;  and  we 
mean  to  tell  everything  to  everybody.  So  we  shall  see 
you  again. 

CAR.  One  never  knows  what  may  happen.  I  think 
we'll  make  it  good-bye,  (puts  hand  on  LUCY'S  shoulder) 
Now,  go  along  and  get  married,  and  live  happy  ever 
after,  as  they  do  in  the  fairy  tales.  (THORSBY  goes  out 
of  the  window;  LUCY  follows,  but  turns  and  kisses  her 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          61 

hand.    They  go) 

(CooK  follows  them  to  the  verandah,  and  throws  shoe  as 
she  returns  for  tray.  DORVASTON  enters  from  o.  p. 
door.) 

DOR.     Hulloa!     Good-morning! 

CAR.  (at  top  of  table)  Good  morning.  Rather  a 
close  shave. 

DOR.     I  beg  your  pardon? 

CAR.     Nothing!      (is   taking  up  tray) 

DOR.  -(at  top  of  table  R.  of  COOK)  Look  here,  don!t 
go.  I  want  to  have  half  a  word  with  you. 

CAR.     Well? 

DOR.     I — saw  to  that  little  job. 

CAR.     Yes? 

•DOR.     I — put  him  in  the  ditch. 

CAR.     Thanks.     Did  he  say  anything? 

DOR.  (top  of  table)  He  muttered  something  about 
another  whiskey,  and  that  he  would  like  to  be  called 
about  nine.  Now  would  you  mind  telling  me  a  little 
about  it  all?  Give  you  my  word  it  ain't  mere  curiosity, 
it's  interest  in  you  and  everything  that  concerns  you. 

CAR.  (at  back  of  chair  L.)  I  told  you  the  chief  thing 
last  night.  Mr.  Crayll  was  my  husband  at  one  time. 

DOR.    You  say  he  was  your  husband. 

CAR.     Yes.     We  are  divorced. 

DOR.  Oh,  that  was  it!  (pause)  I  haven't  known 
your — er — I  haven't  known  Crayll  more  than  a  day  or 
two,  but  I  can  see  he's  an  awful  little  swine.  I  suppose 
he  treated  you  anyhow? 

CAR.  Yes.  Is  there  anything  else  you  would  like  me 
to  tell  you? 

DOR.  It's  extraordinary  good  of  you  to  give  me  your 
confidence. 

CAR.    You've  earned  it.     (takes  tray,  and  turns) 

DOR.  (crosses  behind  her,  to  her  L.)  Well  then,  I 
say,  what  are  you  going  to  do  now? 

CAR.     See  to  the  breakfast. 

DOR.  No,  no!  I  mean  about — Miss  Pillenger — and — 
the  broom  cupboard.  There'll  be  an  infernal  row,  and 
I'm  afraid  you'll  get  beans. 

CAR.  (smiles)  I'm  used  to  handling  all  kinds  of 
vegetables.  (DORVASTON  laughs  too)  As  I  told  you 
last  night,  it  doesn't  matter. 

DOR.  (sits  L.  of  table)  But,  by  George,  it  does  matter! 
When  I  asked  you  then  to  let  me  be  of  use  to  you,  I  put 
it  to  you  as  a  favor,  now  I  ask  it  as  a  right.  I  got  you 


62          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

into  this  mess,  simply  through  my  beastly  clumsiness, 
and  you've  got  to  let  me  see  you  through  it  somehow. 

CAB.  (back  of  table)  News  has  reached  me,  in  rather 
a  roundabout  way,  that  I  have  come  into  some  money; 
so  you  see  I'm  independent — of  Miss  Pillenger — and  the 
broom  cupboard. 

DOR.    Really? 

CAB.    Really! 

DOB.    You're  not — pulling  my  leg? 

CAB.     (smiling)     No! 

DOB.  Then  I'm  devilish  glad  for  your  sake,  and  devil- 
ish sorry  for  my  own.  I  thought  at  last  I  saw  my  way 
— to  doing  you  a  turn. 

CAB.  (places  her  hand  on  chair  at  back  of  DOBVASTON) 
My  life  hasn't  been  a  very  pleasant  one,  but  in  one  re- 
spect I've  been  lucky,  I  have  known  two  men  who  hon- 
estly tried  to  befriend  a  woman. 

DOB.     Who  was  the  other  chap? 

CAB.     His  name  is  Carruthers. 

DOB.     Not  old  Bob?     (rises  and  backs  c.) 

CAB.     (affirmatively)     Old  Bob. 

DOB.    Why,  he's  a  dear  pal  of  mine! 

CAB.     Is  he? 

DOB.     And  did  he  try  to  be  a  pal  to  you? 

CAB.  I  was  thinking  of  his  kindness  to  Lady  Hunt- 
worth. 

DOB.  Ah,  how  about  Lady  Huntworth?  Did  you 
know  her? 

CAB.  Yes!  (smiling)  We  are  rather  intimate — like 
myself  she  was  unfortunate  in  her  choice  of  a  husband. 

DOB.     Huntworth  brought  the  divorce,  didn't  he? 

CAB.  Yes.  Thinking  he  saw  his  way  to  marrying 
another  woman,  with  another  fortune,  he  brought  his 
suit  against  his  wife  and  your  friend. 

DOB.  Damn  him!  Pardon!  couldn't  help  it.  (crosses 
and  kneels  on  chair  L.  of  table) 

CAB.  The  whole  thing  was  utterly  untrue  and  I  know 
she  asked  Bob  to  join  her  in  making  no  defence  rather 
than  remain  Lady  Huntworth. 

DOB.  The  only  thing  that  rather  fogs  me  is,  when 
the  verdict  was  once  given,  why  didn't  Bob  marry  her? 

CAB.    He  did  suggest  it. 

DOB.    Well? 

CAB.     She  said  no. 

DOB.     Why  did  she  do  that? 

CAB.  She  knew  he  didn't  care  for  her,  nor  she  for 
Mm — at  least  not  in  that  way. 

DOB.     (rises,   crosses  c.)     Still,   it  was  game  of  her 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          63 

to  refuse!  There  ain't  many  women  placed  as  she  was 
who'd  have  done  it.  (goes  up  and  leans  on  balustrade, 
thinking) 

CAB.  Perhaps  not.  (pause — takes  up  tray  and  crosses 
c.;  as  she  moves  c.  DORVASTON  turns  and  places  hand  on 
tray)  I  must  go  now. 

DOB.  No,  wait  one  minute.  I'm  going  on  duty  di- 
rectly. My  duty  is  to  make  Lucy  a  happy  little  woman 
and  I  mean  to  do  it.  But  you  seem  to  be  going  down 
rather  a  lonely  road  and  I  want  you  to  remember  that 
somewhere  or  other  there  is  an  old  duffer  lumbering 
about  the  world  who  will  never  forget  you — will  you 
remember? 

CAB.  I  shall  remember,  (pulls  tray  away)  Now  I 
really  can't  stay  any  longer,  (crosses  to  first  step) 

DOR.  (holding  out  his  hand)  I  say!  (  she  turns — 
places  tray  on  balustrade)  Will  you? 

CAR.     Of  course!     Why  not?     (they  shake  hands) 

DOB.  Supposing  I'd  been  a  free  man,  do  you  think 
you — could 

CAR.  Oh!  (draws  hand  aicay  and  takes  up  tray, 
moves  to  second  step)  That  opens  out  a  very  large 
question.  I  haven't  time  to  answer  that. 

DOR.  (touches  her  on  shoulder,  she  turns)  I  wonder 
if  we  shall  ever  come  across  each  other  in  the  future? 

CAB.  (looking  at  him)  More  unlikely  things  have 
happened,  (mounts  third  step,  turns  to  him)  Good- 
bye! (exit) 

(DORVASTON  sinks  into  big  chair  lost  in  thought,  takes 
out  cigarette  case.  GANDY  enters,  door  B.,  and  is 
crossing  the  stage.) 

DOR.  Good  morning!  (GANDY  crosses  from  O.P.  to 
steps) 

GAN.     Mornin'.     (c.) 

DOB.    Got  a  match  about  you? 

GAN.  No.  (crosses  to  mantel)  There  should  be  a 
box  'ere.  (goes  to  mantel)  There  is!  (he  brings  them 
to  DORVASTON) 

DOB.  (taking  them,  rises)  Thanks!  I  suppose  the 
papers  haven't  come  yet? 

GAN.     They  'aven't. 

DOR.  You  seem  a  trifle  down.  Not  quite  your  own 
bright  self,  are  you?  (lights  cigarette) 

GAN.     I  ain't! 

DOB.     You  went  to  see  your  mother,  didn't  you? 

GAN.    Yes. 

DOB.    Hope  you  found  her  feeling  fit? 


64          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

GAN.     She's  fit  enough!     It's  me. 

DOB.     What's   the   matter?     (hands   back  matches) 

GAN.  Weal  cutlet  for  supper — that's  wot's  the  mat- 
ter! (DORVASTON  crosses  up  back  to  window.  GANDY 
puts  matches  on  mantelpiece)  I've  always  done  my 
dooty  by  mother,  so  I  picked  a  bit,  and  then  I  went  to 
bed  and  dreamt  I  was  superintendin'  my  own  funeral. 
Weal  cutlet!  (crosses  up  steps)  Mother  gets  above 
herself. 

DOB.     (at  window)     Have  you  tried  a  drop  of  brandy? 

GAN.     I  'ave.     (first  step) 

DOB.     I  should  try  another. 

GAN.  (second  step)  I  mean  to.  (DORVASTON  strolls 
out  through  the  window  and  off  B.  Miss  PILLENQEB 
enters  L.,  GANDY  giving  way) 

Miss  P.  Gandy,  can  you  tell  me  what  has  happened 
to  my  shoes? 

GAN.    No. 

Miss  P.  I  put  them  outside  my  door  last  night,  but 
this  morning  I  find  one  of  them  still  uncleaned  and  the 
other  has  disappeared.  You  haven't  seen  it,  I  suppose? 

GAN.     I  'aven't. 

Miss  P.  Very  singular!  (crosses  to  window  up  back. 
GANDY  goes  up  stairs)  Have  you  seen  Miss  Lucy?  She 
is  not  in  her  room! 

GAN.     No. 

(MR.  PILLENGER  enter s  L.  GANDY  gives  way.  He  has 
cut  his  cheek  while  shaving  and  is  wearing  a  piece 
of  black  sticking  plaster.) 

PIL.     Good  morning! 

Miss  P.     Good  morning,  Audley. 

PIL.     (to  GANDY)     Has  the  post  come? 

GAN.    No,  it  ain't,     (he  goes  off  L.) 

Miss  P.     You  appear  to  have  had  an  accident. 

PIL.    Accident! 

Miss  P.     In   completing  your  toilette. 

PIL.  Eh?  Hum — yes.  The  razor  slipped.  My  ner- 
vous system  is  slightly  disorganized. 

Miss  P.    The  result  of  last  night. 

PIL.  (startled)  Last  night?  I — er — fail  to  under- 
stand you. 

Miss  P.     I  was  referring  to  your  indisposition. 

PIL.     Oh! — Ah! — exactly,     (crosses  to  window) 

Miss  P.    Are  you  going  out? 

PIL.  I  thought  the  fresh  morning  air  might  be  bene- 
ficial. 

Miss  P.    I  must  ask  you  to  remain.     I  have  a  most 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          65 

painful  subject  to  talk  over  with  you.     (sits  B.) 

Pit,.  Need  we  deal  with  it  now?  Painful  subjects 
should  never  be  discussed  on  an  empty — before  break- 
fast. 

Miss  P.  It  does  not  admit  of  delay.  We  may  have 
to  face  a  serious  scandal. 

PIL.  (crosses  to  chair  L.)  Scandal!  I  trust,  Han- 
nah, you  are  weighing  your  words  very  carefully. 

Miss  P.  I  am  not  in  the  habit  of  speaking  heedlessly. 
What  I  have  to  tell  you  refers  to  Cook — (DORVASTON 
appears,at  the  window — he  has  Miss  PILLENGEB'S  shoe 
in  his  hand) — and  to  Captain  Dorvaston. 

(DOBV ASTON  enters  smoking.) 

PIL.  Ah!  here — is — er — Captain  Dorvaston.  (he 
crosses  to  L.  and  indicates  to  DOBVASTON  that  Miss  PIL- 
LENGER  is  in  the  room.  DORVASTON  throws  cigarette  away 
and  comes  to-  top  of  chair  R.  c. ) 

DOB.  Good  morning,  sir.  Good  morning,  ma'am! 
(Miss  PILLENGEB  bows  frigidly.  DOBVASTON  crosses  to 
chair) 

PIL.  Hannah  was  just — er — mentioning,  as  you  en- 
tered, that — you 

DOB.  (quietly  beating  the  back  of  chair  with  shoe) 
Yes,  I  fancied  I  caught  my  name.  What  were  you  say- 
ing, ma'am? 

Miss    P.     I    was   saying,    Captain   Dorvaston (she 

notices  the  shoe)     What  are  you  doing  with  that  shoe? 

DOB.     Just  picked  it  up. 

Miss  P.  Why  did  you  touch  it?  Your  doing  so  seems 
to  me  to  be  strangely  wanting  in  delicacy. 

DOB.  Don't  see  anything  indelicate  in  picking  up  an 
old  shoe.  I  found  it  on  the  garden  path. 

Miss  P.     My  shoe  on  the  garden  path! 

DOR.    Yours!     I  thought  it  was  Gandy's. 

Miss  P.  If  you  thought  to  keep  me  a  prisoner  in  my 
room  by  the  removal  of  my  shoe,  the  expedient  was 
abortive.  I  have  several  other  pairs. 

DOB.  Don't  know  what  the  deuce  you're  driving  at. 
ma'am.  Sorry  I  disturbed  the  thing.  Shall  I  put  it  back? 

Miss  P.  I  will  thank  you  to  restore  it  to  me.  (DOB- 
VASTON hands  shoe,  and  Miss  PILLENGEB  crosses,  and 
puts  it  an  cabinet  R.)  .  Thank  you!  (she  returns  and 
sits  L.  of  table)  Now,  with  your  permission,  I  will  re- 
sume what  I  was  saying  to  Mr.  Pillenger  when  you 
came  in.  (the  men  exchange  glances)  I  warned  you 
last  night  I  should  consider  it  my  duty  to  acquaint  Lucy 
with  the  details  of — my — very  painful  discovery  (Doa- 

5 


66          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

VASTON  starts  to  go  off  at  window;  PILLENGER  follows 
his  example  upstairs)  but  I  find  she  has  gone  out  for 
a  walk — at  least  so  I  imagine.  Well — Audley — Audley 
(Miss  PILLENGEK  calls  PiLLENGEB  back,  and  he  calls  DOB- 
VASTON  back;  PILLENGER  sits  on  settle,  and  DOBVASTON 
leans  on  balustrade)  Well,  Audley,  the  painful  discov- 
ery I  allude  to  was  this.  After  returning  home  last 
night  I  had  occasion  to  visit  the  kitchen  in  order  to 
speak  to  Cook  for  a  moment.  While  doing  so,  I  heard 
a"  mysterious  noise.  I  investigated  its  origin,  and  found 
Captain  Dorvaston  concealed  in  the  broom  cupboard. 
He  was  unable  to  give  me  any  lucid  explanation.  I 
now  leave  the  matter  in  your  hands,  (slight  pause) 

DOR.  I  don't  know  whether  it's  much  good  me  saying 
anything — is  it,  sir? 

PIL.  (rises)  I  think  otherwise.  (DORVASTON  sur- 
prised) I  shall  be  very  happy  to  hear  anything  you 
care  to  tell  me.  Appearances  are  often  misleading. 

Miss  P.     But,  Audley,  surely 

PIL.  Hannah,  the  matter  has  now  been  submitted  to 
my  judgment.  I  shall  not  approach  it  in  a  spirit  of 
carping  doubt.  If  our  dear  friend  can  give  us  his 
personal  assurance  that  the  whole  thing  was — a — little 
joke  for  instance 

Miss  P.     A  little  joke! 

PIL.  If  he  could  tell  us  that  in  concealing  himself 
in  the — er — broom  cupboard,  he  had  an  idea  of  jump- 
ing out  suddenly  and  startling  somebody  by  saying 
"  Boo  " — not  you  particularly — but  Cook,  or  Keziah,  or 
myself 

Miss  P.  You?  What  should  you  be  doing  in  the 
kitchen? 

PIL.  No — that  is  so;  but  still,  though  I  deprecate 
practical  joking  as  a  rule,  I  should  consider  the  ex- 
planation as  not  being  without  a  certain  measure  of 
antecedent  plausibility. 

Miss  P.  You  appear  to  be  putting  words  into  Cap- 
tain Dorvaston's  mouth. 

PIL.  No,  pardon  me,  I  merely  say  that  such  a  line 
of  defence  would  carry  conviction  to  an  unbiased  mind. 
The  army  is  proverbially  a  light-hearted  profession. 

DOB.     Well,  sir,  I'm  afraid  I  can't  exactly  say  that. 

Miss  P.    There! 

PIL.  In  any  case,  Hannah,  our  friend  Dorvaston  is 
Lucy's  responsibility,  (leans  on  mantel) 

Miss  P.     At  all  events,  Cook  is  yours! 

PIL.     Eh?    Hum — yes 

Miss  P.  You  will  of  course  ring  the  bell  and  dis- 
charge her. 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          (ft 

PH..  I — really  think  we  should  endeavour  to  avoid 
any 

Miss  P.  (rises)  Her  continued  presence  in  the  house 
would  be  an  insult  to  me. 

PIL.  (loudly)  To  avoid  any  appearance  of  temper 
— do  you  hear  me,  Hannah? — of  temper. 

DOR.  (coming  to  Miss  PILLENGER)  Upon  my  soul, 
ma'am,  Cook  hadn't  anything  to  do  with  it.  I  was  there 
against  her  wish. 

PIL.  ( crossing  to  c.)  Surely  that  is  a  most  convinc- 
ing testimony. 

DOR.  -  I  know  last  night  things  didn't  look  quite 
square,  but  whatever  fault  there  was,  was  my  fault. 

Pit.  Precisely!  No  doubt!  (the  men  look  at  each 
other) 

DOR.  I  was  chatting  to  Cook — it  was  a  stoopid  thing 
to  do — but  there  was  no  harm  in  it. 

PIL.     None  whatever,  I  feel  sure. 

DOR.     In  fact,  the  governor  knows  there  wasn't! 

Miss  P.     How  should  my  brother  know? 

PIL.     Hum!— tut— tut! 

DOR.  How!  Why,  because  he  was  in  the  lar 

(pause,  Miss  PILLENGER  stares,  both  men  stare  at  each 
other  with  their  mouths  open) 

PIL.  (eagerly)  I  was  sure  to  take  a  broad-minded 
view.  Doubtless  that  is  our  friend's  meaning. 

DOR.  Yes,  that  is  what  I  meant.  It  got  late,  and  I 
heard  you  coming,  ma'am,  and  I  knew  you're  a  bit  strict, 
don't  you  know! 

PIL.     Quite  so! 

DOR.  And  as  I  was  supposed  to  be  seedy,  I  thought 
you'd  take  my  being  there  the  wrong  way,  don't  you 
see?  So  I — nipped  into  the  broom  cupboard,  don't  you 
understand?  (crosses  up  back) 

PIL.  (crosses  to  top  of  table)  To  a  moderately  im- 
partial intelligence  the  whole  thing  is  as  clear  as  day, 
and  really  reflects  discredit  on  no  one. 

Miss  P.  Is  it  your  intention  to  say  nothing  to  Cook 
on  the  subject? 

PIL.  I  think  we  should  give  her  to  understand  that 
careful  investigation  has  tended  to  modify  our  original 
misconception  of  the  true  facts  of  the  case. 

Miss  P.  (rising)  Then,  Audley,  I  have  this  to  say 
(crosses  to  R.) 

(GANDY  enters  L.) 

GAN.  (at  top  of  steps)  I've  just  found  a  gent  in  the 
dry  ditch  at  the  end  of  the  garden. 


68          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

PIL.  (pause)  A  gent  in  the  ditch!  (DORVASTON 
crosses  to  balustrade)  What  gent? — er — gentleman? 

GAN.  'E  was  asleep  and  I  shook  'im — 'e  grunted,  and 
I  shook  'im  again.  'E  says  his  name's  Crayll,  and  'e'd 
like  to  see  you. 

PIL.  Crayll!  (to  DOBVASTON)  That  is  the  person 
who  called  on  you  yesterday? 

DOB.     Yes,  I  know  him. 

PIL.     He  wished  to  see  me?    (to  GANDY) 

GAN.     'E  said  so. 

PIL.  Show  him  in.  (GANDY  goes  out.  .DORVASTON 
crosses  L.)  Surely  a  most  singular  circumstance!  Why 
did  he  go  to  sleep  in  my  ditch?  (Miss  PILLEXGEB  crosses 
up  to  top  of  window) 

DOB.  I  suppose,  as  he's  an  acquaintance  of  mine,  he 
thought  you  wouldn't  object. 

PIL.  He  must  be  very  eccentric,  (crosses  to  a.  cor- 
ner) 

DOB.  Yes,  he's  a  rum  sort  of  chap!  (GANDY  enters, 
followed  by  CRAYLL,  who  looks  rather  dilapidated) 

GAN.  Mr.  Crayll!  (at  top  of  steps — he  goes  out — 
CBAYLL  is  at  top  of  steps) 

CRAY.     Good  mornin'!      (at  top  of  steps) 

PIL.     Good  morning! 

CBAY.  (to  DORVASTON)  How  are  you?  (crosses  down 
and  puts  hat  on  settle) 

DOB.     How  are  you? 

CRAY.  Think  I'll  sit  down,  (crosses  B.)  Feel  rather 
shaky,  (he  sits  L.  of  table;  DOBVASTON  is  standing  with 
his  back  to  the  fireplace) 

PIL.  By  all  means.  (indicating  Miss  PILLENGEB) 
My  sister! 

CRAY.    Oh!     (he  nods  carelessly) 

PIL.  But,  my  dear  sir,  (sits  B.)  I  understand  you 
passed  the  night — or  some  portion  of  it — in  er — the 
ditch? 

CRAY.     'Pears  I  did. 

PIL.    But — how  did  you  get  there? 

CBAY.     How  the  devil  should  I  know? 

PIL.    Tut,  tut! 

CBAY.  I  must  have  bin  sprung  last  night,  that's  about 
the  size  of  it.  I  seem  to  recollect  somebody  pickin'  me 
up,  and  then  chuckin'  me  down  again,  like  a  sack  of 
coals,  (to  PILLENGER)  It  wasn't  you,  was  it? 

PIL.  Certainly  not!  But  you  seem  to  be  shivering. 
May  I  offer  you  anything? 

Miss  P.  (from  back  of  table — coming  down  a  little) 
A  hot  cup  of  tea? 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT^          69 

CEAY.     Tea  be  damned! 

PIL.     Tut!     (Miss  PILLENGER  is  shocked,  and  goes  up) 

CBAY.  No,  I  should  like  a  hair  of  the  dog  that  bit 
me. 

PIL.  (rises  excitedly  and  leans  over  table)  Bitten 
by  a  dog!  Good  Heavens!  My  dear  sir,  the  place  should 
be  cauterised  at  once — no  time  should  be  lost! 

CBAY.  Oh,  don't  be  such  an  ass!  I  mean  whiskey. 
(looking  closely  at  PILLENGER)  What's  that  on  your 
face?  What  is  it?  What's  that  filthy  black  thing  crawl- 
ing over  your  face? 

PIL.     I — er — you  probably 

CRAY.  What  is  it?  (loudly — rises  excitedly)  Why 
the  devil  don't  you  tell  me  what  it  is? 

PIL.  A  slight  accident  in  shaving.  My  razor  is  some- 
what out  of  condition — merely  sticking  plaster. 

CRAY.  Oh!  (subsiding)  Thought  it  was  a  spider. 
(pause)  I  want  to  talk  to  you. 

PIL.     Yes.   .  (sits) 

CRAY.  Want  to  say  a  word  or  two  about  your  Cook. 
(DORVASTON  malces  a  slight  movement;  Miss  PILLENGEB 
crosses  down  to  chair) 

PIL.     Indeed! 

CRAY.  I  s'pose  you  didn't  know  much  about  her  when 
you  took  her.  Did  you? 

Miss  P.     No. 

PIL.  Hannah,  permit  me!  In  answer  to  your  in- 
quiry, I  may  say  we  obtained  the  highest  testimonials 
from  the  Duchess  of  Sturton. 

CRAY.  Oh  yes,  that's  all  right — they're  pals,  (all 
start)  Did  she  tell  you  your  Cook  was  married. 

Miss  P.     Married? 

PIL.     Hannah!     Hannah!     No,  sir,  she  did  not. 

CRAY.  Well  she  is.  Did  she  say  she  was  a  well- 
known  society  woman,  who  wasn't  living  with  her  hus- 
band? 

Miss  P.     Good  gracious! 

PIL.  Her  Grace  did  not  mention  the  fact — if  it  is  a 
fact. 

CBAY.  It  is — you  may  lay  your  shirt  on  it.  That 
ain't  quite  the  sort  of  party  you  want  in  your  kitchen, 
is  it?  Now  I  happen  to  know  the  husband'd  be  willin' 
to  overlook  the  past — and  take  her  back  again 

PIL.     Er — really? 

CRAY.  He's  a  good-natured  beggar,  and  he  don't  bear 
malice.  He  put  it  to  her,  but  she's  an  obstinate  devil 
— she  didn't  listen  to  reason.  Now  it  struck  me  that 
as  you're  a  magpie 


70          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

PIL.     Tut! 

Miss  P.     A  magpie? 

CRAY.  Beg  pardon — I  mean  as  you're  a  parson,  with 
your  eye  on  the  marriage  service — "  Those  who  Heaven 
joined  "  and  all  that  kind  of  thing — you  might  see  your 
way  to  chuckin'  her  out,  neck  and  crop,  without  a  char- 
acter— D'you  see? — and  so  bring  her  to  a  sense  of  dooty. 

Miss  P.  Really,  Audley,  there  is  something  to  be 
said  for  this  gentleman's  suggestion. 

PIL.  Whatever  course  it  may  ultimately  be  desirable 
for  me  to  adopt,  I  shall  require  more  definite  informa- 
tion than  I  at  present  possess  as  to  the  intentions  and 
• — er — general  identity — of  the  alleged  husband. 

CBAY.    You  can  have  it.     I'm  her  husband. 

PIL.     You!      (Miss  PILLENGEB  also  conveys  surprise) 

CRAY.  Yes,  you  ask  her;  she'll  admit  she's  been  mar- 
ried all  right. 

Miss  P.  I'll  ring  for  her  at  once,  (makes  movement, 
rises  and  crosses  to  L.) 

CBAY.  (hastily)  Hold  hard!  Stop  that,  old  woman! 
(Miss  PILLENGER  pauses)  I  don't  want  to  see  her — 
there  wouldn't  be  any  good  in  that — the  meeting  would 
be  painful  all  round.  ( rising )  No!  you  do  what  I  say 
— tell  her  to  pack  up  her  traps  and  go — and  then  my 
arms  will  be  open  to  her.  (Miss  PILLENGEB  returns  and 
sits)  Good  mornin'!  (crosses  c.) 

(CBAYLL  goes  L.,  DOBVASTON  intercepts  him.) 

DOB.    You're  not  leaving  us? 

CRAY.     Yes,  I  am! 

DOB.     I  think  not! 

CRAY.  What  d'you  mean?  I  suppose  I  can  go  when 
I  like?  (moves  forward) 

DOB.  You  will  go  when  I  like;  and  before  you  do, 
you've  got  to  face  the  lady  you've  just  been  trying  to 
injure.  Sit  down  there  (pointing  to  settle)  and  don't 
move,  or  I  shall  hurt  you!  (CRAYLL  hesitates)  Sit 
down!  (CRAYLL  sits  sulkily)  Now  I'm  going  to  ring 
the  bell,  and  Mr.  Pillenger  will  send  for  Mrs.  Crayll; 
but  if  you  try  to  get  away,  I  shall  probably  hurt  you 
rather  badly.  Do  you  follow  me? 

CRAY.     Yes. 

DOR.  That's  all  right,  (crosses  and  rings  bell;  to 
MB.  PILLENGEB)  Sorry  to  take  the  business  out  of  your 
hands,  sir,  but  we've  got  to  see  it  through,  don't  you 
know? 

PIL.    I    think    it    would    undoubtedly    be    desirable. 


LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          fl 

(GANDY  enters)  Will  you  ask  Mrs. — er — I  mean— er— 
kindly  inform  Cook  we  should  like  to  speak  to  her. 
(GANDY  goes  out,  Miss  PILLENGER  sits;  long  pause,  dur- 
ing which  no  one  moves)  Er — wonderful  how  the — eh 
— fine  weather  lasts!  (another  pause) 

(Then  CAROLINE  enters  in  outdoor  costume;  she  is  put- 
ting on  her  gloves.  She  comes  down  the  steps  and 
advances  quietly  to  the  table.) 

CAB.     You  have  something  to  say  to  me? 

Miss  P.     Yes,  we  have. 

CAR.  That  is  fortunate,  because  I  have  something  to 
say  to  you. 

PIL.  (Miss  PILLENGER  makes  to  speak)  Hannah,  you 
will  greatly  oblige  me  by  remaining  silent.  We  wished, 
Cook 

CAR.  (near  chair  c.)  Pardon  me,  Mr.  Pillenger,  I 
have  no  longer  any  claim  to  that  title — I  beg  to  hand  in 
my  resignation. 

PIL.     You  contemplate  leaving  us? 

CAB.    Yes.     I've  sent  for  a  fly. 

Miss  P.  Audley,  since  this  lady  objects  to  be  referred 
to  as  Cook,  I  think  you  should  address  her  by  her  name 
— her  real  name. 

CAR.  (glancing  at  Miss  PILLENGER)  I  doubt  if  you 
know  it. 

Miss  P.  We  are  better  informed  than  you  imagine, 
Mrs.  Crayll! 

CAR.     Oh,  that's  it! 

PIL.  (rises)  My  dear  madam,  pray  believe  the — er 
— somewhat  startling  information  came  to  us  unsought. 
Our  informant  was  that  gentleman,  (points  to  CRAYLL) 

CAR.     What  gentleman? 

DOB.  (to  CRAYLL)  You  can  stand  up  now.  (CRAYLL 
rises  and  crosses  down  L.  c.,  and  advances  a  step  or 
two.  COOK  turns  and  sees  him) 

CAB.  I  see!  (slight  pause)  Well,  what  has  he  told 
you? 

Miss  P.  This  gentleman  came  here  this  morning  to 
beg  us 

CAR.     To  turn  me  out? 

Miss  P.  Be  that  as  it  may,  he  is  anxious  to  make  an 
appeal  to  his,  I  fear,  misguided  wife. 

CAR.     Is  he  indeed? 

CRAY.  I've  been  tellin'  'em  I  want  you  to  come  back 
—man  can't  say  more,  can  he? 

CAB.    What  else  did  he  tell  you? 


72          LADY  HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

Miss  P.  He  mentioned  you  were  a  well-known  woman 
in  society — and  that  you  had  been  living  apart  from 
your  husband. 

CAB.     Quite  so!     Was  that  all  he  said? 

PIL.  I  think  that  embraced  the  whole  of  Mr.  Crayll's 
statement,  (pause) 

CAB.  Up  to  a  certain  point  he  told  the  truth.  I  did 
marry  him  some  years  ago. 

Miss  P.  You  concealed  the  fact  when  you  entered 
our  service. 

CAB.  It  wasn't  a  thing  I  felt  inclined  to  boast  of. 
As  he  was  so  confidential,  it  seems  odd  he  forgot  to 
tell  you  we  were  recently  divorced. 

PIL.    Divorced! 

Miss  P.     Divorced! 

CAB.  There  is  one  other  thing — I  think  it  is  only  fair 
you  should  know  what  a  distinguished  individual  you 
have  been  entertaining  in  the  person  of  Mr.  Crayll. 

CBAY.    Keep  your  infernal  tongue  between  your  teeth! 

CAB.    This  gentleman 

CBAY.  I  shan't  stay  here  to  be  baited — and  badgered. 
(going) 

DOB.     (advancing)    You'll  stay  where  you  are! 

CAB.  This  gentleman  is  Lord  Huntworth,  I  am — I 
was  Lady  Huntworth.  (all  convey  astonishment)  Last 
night  Lord  Huntworth  dropped  in  the  kitchen  a  letter. 
It  was  from  a  firm  of  solicitors. 

CBAY.  (putting  his  hand  to  his  breast  pocket) 
Damn! 

CAB.  Telling  him  I  had  inherited  a  large  sum  of 
money.  Lord  Huntworth  is  rather  hard  up  just  now. 
There  is  nothing  unusual  in  the  circumstance,  but  I 
mention  it  because  it  explains  the  reason  of  his  gener- 
ous offer  to  condone  the  past,  (pause)  Here  is  your 
letter;  (producing  it)  you  needn't  trouble  to  answer 
it — I  shall  call  on  Messrs.  Brampton  and  Stokes  in  the 
course  of  the  day.  (CBAYLL  snatches  the  letter)  I  don't 
think  we  need  detain  you  any  longer,  need  we?  (CRAYLL 
turns  for  hat  L.,  snarls  at  DOBVASTON  and  exits  up  steps; 
GASOLINE  watches  him  off) 

Pit,.  Is  it  actually  the  case  that  you  are  the  Lady 
Huntworth? 

CAB.  (turns  to  the  PILLENGEBS)  Yes,  I  am  the  Lady 
Huntworth  who  is  so  widely  and  so  very  unfavourably 
known,  (turns  to  DOBVASTON)  Would  you  oblige  me 
by  ringing  the  bell,  Captain  Dorvaston? 

DOB.    Certainly?     (he  does  so) 

CAB.     (again    speaking    to    the    PILLENGEBS)       If    I 


LADY  HUNT  WORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          73 

thought  there  was  even  a  chance  that  you  could  under- 
stand my  doing  what  I  have  done  I  would  try  to  make 
it  clear  to  you,  but  you  couldn't — I  should  only  waste 
your  time  and  my  own.  (GANDY  enters)  Gandy,  has 
the  fly  come? 

GAN.     It  'as. 

CAB.  Thanks!  Good-bye!  (she  holds  out  her  hand, 
he  takes  it  respectfully)  We've  been  good  friends, 
haven't  we? 

GAN.  We  'ave;  servin'  with  you  'as  bin  a  honour. 
(exit) 

CAB.  (smiling  and  to  the  PILLENGEBS)  Mr.  Pillenger 
—  (he  rises)  You  have  done  everything  in  your  power 
to  render  my  little  experiment  a  pleasant  one.  I  am 
grateful;  and  if  your  thoughts  should  ever  turn  in  my 
direction  I  hope  you  will  let  your  mind  dwell  on  the 
excellence  of  my  curried  chicken,  rather  than  on  the 
supposed  hopelessness  of  my  moral  character.  Good- 
bye. 

PIL.  (bows  sadly)  Good-bye!  (sits  disconsolate; 
COOK  nods  to  MB.  PILLENGEB  pleasantly;  then  turns  and 
gives  a  very  stately  bow  to  Miss  PILLENGEB,  who  stiffly 
returns  it;  COOK  then  goes  L.,  but  pauses  as  she  mounts 
the  steps  and  speaks  to  DOBVASTON) 

CAB.  We  have  already  taken  leave  of  each  other,  but 
it  has  occurred  to  me  that  perhaps  you  might  care  to 
let  me  hear  from  you.  I  am  leaving  England  for 
some  time,  but  that  address  will  find  me.  (gives  a 
card  to  him)  Poste  Restante,  Brussels. 

DOB.     Poste  Restante,  Brussels. 

CAB.    Yes.     Good-bye! 

DOB.  (with  a  sigh)  Good-bye!  (sits  down  on  settle; 
she  goes  out) 

(After  she  has  gone  DOBVASTON  sits  pensively  on  the  set- 
tle; there  is  a  pause;  all  three  sit  staring  at  nothing; 
then  GANDY  enters  with  newspapers  at  window;  lie 
goes  to  PILLENGEB. 

GAN.  (crosses  to  B.  to  PILLENGEB)  "  Standard!  " 
(PILLENGEB  takes  it,  but  allows  it  to  drop  by  his  side; 
GANDY  then  crosses  to  Miss  PILLENGEB)  "  Church 
Times!  "  (he  then  crosses  to  DOBVASTON  and  hands  him 
the  other  paper)  "  Sportin'  Life!  "  (PILLENGEB  and 
DOBVASTON  pick  up  papers  and  try  to  read;  Miss 
DOBVASTON  reads,  GANDY  goes  up  two  steps,  then  turns) 
'Ow  about  dinner? 

Pa.    Eh? 


74          LADY  HUNTWOKTH'S  EXPERIMENT. 

DOB.    What? 

GAN.     'Ow  about  dinner? 

PIL.     Don't  dare  allude  to  it.     (rises  and  sits  at  exit) 

DOB.     Get  out  of  the  room!     (rises  and  sits  at  exit) 

(GANDY  goes  out,  the  two  men  open  their  papers  firmly 
and  begin  to  read;  LUCY  enters  at  window  followed 
nervously  by  THOBSBY — LUCY  dragging  him  into  c.; 
LUCY  is  L.  c.,  THOBSBY  R.  c.) 

LUCY.     Good-morning,  everybody! 

Miss  P.     Good  morning! 

PIL.     (not  looking  up)    Good  morning! 

DOB.     (doing  the  same)    Good  morning! 

LUCY.     I've  brought  Mr.  Thorsby  with  me. 

Miss  P.     Good  day,  Mr.  Thorsby!     (he  bows) 

DOB.  (not  looking  round)  Ah,  Thorsby  !  (THOBSBY 
bows) 

DOB.  (not  looking  round)  How  are  you,  Thorsby? 
(THOBSBY  bows  once  more) 

LUCY.    We've  just  been  married. 

Miss  P.  )  What?     (all  rise  and  throw  down  papers; 

PIL.          V  DOBV ASTON  immediately  takes  Bradshaw  off 

DOB.         )  mantel  and  sits  on  settle  looking  out  trains) 

LUCY.  Uncle,  it  wasn't  Harry's  doing,  so  if  you  feel 
riled  you  must  pitch  into  me.  I'm  responsible.  Harry 
hated  the  deception  all  through — didn't  you? 

THOB.     I 

LUCY.  All  right,  don't  interrupt.  We  started  early, 
biked  over  to  Ingledene  Church — did  the  trick — rode 
back,  and  we  want  everybody's  blessing,  and  a  good 
breakfast. 

PIL.  As  you  are  practically  independent  of  my  control 
I  fear  I  have  no  power  to  withhold  the  blessing.  The 
good  breakfast  may  be  less  easily  obtained. 

LUCY.    Why? 

PEL.  Cook  has  left  us?  (crosses  up  to  desk  B.,  kick- 
ing the  papers  from  his  feet  viciously  as  he  goes) 

LUCY.  Oh!  I'm  sorry!  She  got  up  early,  and  made 
us  some  coffee,  (takes  hat  up  B.  c.) 

DOB.     Then  she  knew? 

LUCY.    Of  course  she  did!     I  told  her. 

Miss  P.  She  would  naturally  take  a  prominent  part 
in  any  duplicity,  (crossing  to  window;  THOBSBY  goes  up 
after  her  to  make  his  peace) 

LUCY.  That's  all  rot.  She  was  a  real  good  sort — a 
long  way  better  than  most  of  us  (she  goes  to  DOBVAS- 
TON)  Jack,  old  boy! 


LADY-HUNTWORTH'S  EXPERIMENT.          75 

DOR.  Yes,  little  woman?  (sitting  L.  looking  at  Brad- 
show) 

LUCY.  You're  the  only  one  that  matters.  I  cared  for 
Harry — and  you  didn't  care  for  me — did  you?  Tell  me 
you  didn't,  or  I  shall  hate  myself.  You'd  have  married 
me  and  tried  to  look  pleasant,  but  it  would  have  taken 
you  all  your  time.  Now,  Jack,  I  want  to  hear  you  take 
your  oath  you  don't  mind. 

DOR.  (rises)  Mind!  (rings  bell,  returns,  and  takes 
LUCY  by  both  hands)  My  dear  child,  you  don't  know 
what  a  turn  you've  done  me  by  throwing  me  over  for  a 
better  man.  Mind?  (crosses  to  THORSBY,  claps  him  on 
the  shouTder)  My  dear  Thorsby,  I  wish  you  all  the  luck 
you  could  wish  yourself — and  you'll  get  it!  A  chap  who 
could  carry  out  a  thing  of  this  kind  in  such  an  excep- 
tional way  has  all  the  makings  of  a  future  bishop. 
(GANDY  enters)  Pack  my  things  at  once;  I  must  catch 
the  11:15  to  town.  (GANDY  goes  out) 

LUCY.    Going  to  leave  us? 

DOR.  (crosses  to  LUCY)  I  must,  little  woman — but  I 
won't  forget  to  send  you  a  wedding  present — silver  mug 
— no,  that's  later!  (LUCY  crosses  to  THORSBY  u.  B.  To 
PILLENGEB)  Good-bye,  sir.  (PILLENGER  rises,  and  they 
shake  hands  across  the  table,  he  then  sits  again)  Keep 
your  head  up  and  your  liver  active. 

PIL.     Good-bye! 

DOR.  (to  Miss  PILLENGER)  Good-bye,  ma'am.  I  mean 
to  be  quite  respectable  by  the  time  we  meet  again,  (they 
shake  hands) 

Miss  P.     I  hope  so. 

DOR.  (to  THOBSBY)  Good-bye,  young  fellah!  Give 
that  little  filly  her  head,  and  she  won't  want  the  whip. 
(crosses  L.  of  LUCY  and  the  others)  Good-bye,  little 
woman!  (kisses  her)  God  bless  you!  (kisses  her — 
runs  up  steps) 

LUCY.  Good-bye,  dear  old  boy!  (leans  over  balus- 
trade; he  is  going)  You'll  let  us  hear  from  you? 

DOB.    Yes!     (runs  up  steps) 

LUCY.    Where  will  a  letter  find  you? 

DOB.  (hastily  taking  out  card  and  looking  at  it. 
Turns  to  her)  Poste  Restante,  Brussels!  (as  he  goes 
off  the 

CURTAIN  FALLS. 


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